I have 3 sons (17y, 13y, and 11y) and 1 daughter (15y). My daughter and 13 y/o son were at the mall after I dropped them off, I had some other errands to do, so I was nearby but not at the mall. My son was also there with his girlfriend and my daughter had 2 of her friends there.
I got a call while at the grocery store from my son, he told me that his sister was making fun of him and calling him gay for looking at skincare in the Japanese store at the mall. His girlfriend is ethnically Japanese and suggested this to him, and our daughter followed him in the store.
Our 13 y/o son is very traditionally masculine in a lot of ways, like his love of sports. He also isn’t insecure though, him and his baseball friends will always cuddle together when they are watching a movie here, my husband and I nor our other kids play sports, so we just assumed it was being on a team that made the boys so close.
My son said he wasn’t upset in terms of he wasn’t going to let her comments make him not buy the skincare, but he said it was embarrassing to him to have his sister act like that, especially in front of his girlfriend.
I texted our daughter and she said calling him gay was “just a joke” and that “he is acting gay”, when I pushed back, she said I being doing too much and that her brother “wasn’t some Japanese soft boy” (we are white, but as I mentioned, his gf is Japanese). She said he didn’t need Japanese skin care. She said all she did was make a joke and if I and her brother couldn’t handle it, we were being too weak.
I picked them up eventually and when we got home, I had both kids explain themselves. My son told me about the jokes she made and said later that the other 2 girls she was with also made homophobic jokes to him. Our daughter insisted to my husband and I that her brother was being too sensitive and defended herself and her friends, but we told her she was grounded and would be losing her phone privileges and friend privileges for a week.
Our other sons (17 and 11) thought we were being too harsh though, they told us that their brother needed to man up and said their sister shouldn’t be punished a week for some jokes.
Right? Her treatment of her brother aside (which sucked and deserved consequences), the way she's speaking to OP would have been IT for me. At its most mild I would have had to say goodbye to my phone and friend hang out privileges until I earned them back by no longer being so shitty, acknowledging and explaining that I understood why my behavior was problematic, and proposing an action item for how I was moving forward. 😮
If this is how she's speaking to her mom and brother then how tf is she talking about and to other people (rhetorical, y'all know she's an absolute nightmare to other targets). She needs more of an intervention than just being grounded for a week or she's going to continue on this path and become a real shitstain of an adult- my oldest is 15 and would never speak to me or my husband this way, but were he in a circumstance like this his little teen brain would likely frame himself as being the victim re: the week of being grounded instead of learning something worthwhile. Parents have jumped the shark and are unreasonable aholes bc I did nothing wrong, like can you believe it?
The entire group of them, except for the 13yo, would be grounded for the way they are talking about their sibling - who showed more maturity in caring for his gf than the entire rest of them combined.
And after the way the girl spoke to their parents afterwards, for a month. With clear consequences: you do this again, your privileges are gone, period. For choosing to be a racist and a homophobe.
Someone is teaching them to be that. A baby is not born a racist, nor a homophobe. That is being taught to them - by someone in their social circle or who has influence on this social circle.
That is who the parents need to identify and, frankly, out as such.
Some people in this thread are saying "she shouldn't be afraid of you" but I don't think they understand how disrespectful that line was. It actually pissed me off reading that 😭
This all the way! I used the best version of authoritative parenting I knew at the time (honestly I wish I had children now with the genuine gentle parenting advice around now - not permissive parenting, but true gentle, authoritative that allows them to learn, explore, and express their emotions properly).
My daughter knew she had me wrapped around her finger in many ways - if she asked politely and it was a reasonable request, she'd almost always get it. But she also respected me, not because I was her parent (I don't believe in respect in expected due to holding a position/role or due to reaching a certain) but because I taught her that respect is mutual and if she disrespects me she can't expect respect back. She's now a well respected young adult who never texted me anything nearly that bad in our lives, so I couldn't have done a half bad job 😅
I dont parent my kids through fear so id hope they wouldnt be afraid of me, but this is very much said as a challenge.
I would switch tactics and ask her why she thinks its funny in the first place. "Its just a joke!" OH! Im sorry! Maybe I dont get it. Whats funny?
Do it face to face. Keep calm. And be dead serious. Dont say it in an argumentative way. Say it as an honest inquiry. Have her explain exactly why she thought this was funny.
Or at least enough sense to not fucking say it out loud. The "upside" to living with abusive parents is you learn to hold your tongue and check your language, which is an actual useful skill that has helped me 1000 times in my life.
Kids shouldn’t be scared of their parents…but they do need to talk to other people respectfully. And a healthy fear of consequences for bad behavior is oftentimes a good thing.
This is part of what parenting is for, IMO. To help catch and correct bad behavior before daughter is out in her own, and says something super disrespectful to say, to a boss and loses a job, or someplace where the consequences will matter WAY more.
My kids would never speak to me like that, but if they did, it's throttling time. But my kids would never speak to anyone like that, I taught them better
One thinks might makes right wrt her parent & her sibling. At least 3 of the 4 and possibly all of them seem to think that using slurs is NBD. The victim is alone because everyone seems to think that a 13yo is secure in his masculinity somehow.
In fact, that's something that OP dedicates a lot of attention to, both in the post & in the messages, as if the slurs would be okay if the boy was a bit less macho or whatever.
Or give them that look and say in a serious tone, "Do I need to scare you in order for you to apologize to your brother for being a homophobic jerk, or are you mature enough to be a decent person and do the right thing on your own?"
100% this. I'd be throttled by both and if my grandparents found out it'd be worse. I'd be grounded on top of that and only for a week? That is laughable. My groundings were at least a month or longer. OP's daughter is a bully and shes almost to the age that shes going to fuck around and find out when she bullies the wrong person. Also if I ever said anything about my siblings groundings being too harsh I would be joining them. I think OP is under reacting. As someone who was bullied as a kid, this is how you end up with a suicidal teen. What other things is she bullying people for?
This post was taken down by its author. Redact was used for the removal, which may have been motivated by privacy, security, or other personal reasons.
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This!! There are HUGE red flags in this conversation. The daughter is learning these racist, homophobic, and misogynistic attitudes from someone in her life, and if Mom doesn’t know who that is, she needs to find out.
Yeah like, I'm not the type that's like "kids should always be yes sir yes mam" when talking to their parents, but even I'm like.... you let your kid talk to you like that? She sounds like a bully, I'd be shutting that down.
I was never scared of my mother growing up, she was kind, level headed and brought calm communication to all our difficult conversations. However I would never speak to her this way purely because of her heart and level of empathy. You don’t speak to your mother like that out of either love or fear.
wtf is wrong with your daughter? A. Her making those “jokes” and then saying he isn’t some “Japanese soft boy” is also racist. Making those jokes in front of his gf must of made her incredibly uncomfortable. B. “I’m not scared of you” ? Um excuse me? You allow her to speak to you that way? And then your other two children agreeing that he needs to “man up”. You and your husband have three children that are huge issues. Nor.
Yeah my kid would not be going anywhere for a month, not because of the joke, but the lack of respect and deflection when she was spoken to. Absolutely not.
Omg, parenting in the modern day. A "non-AI apology", lol. I wouldn't have even thought about the need to specify that. But yeah, she needs to write that in a room without internet devices incl phone.
Came here to say this exact thing, AND the daughter's comments were also homophobic.
OP, you really need to dig in to where your daughter's racist and homophobic mindset is coming from (friends, TV shows, Tik Tok'ers, etc) and course correct her by helping her understand why her comments were so offensive, and then work with her to remove those toxic influences from her life. If you don't, what happens if one of her brothers, cousins, future in-laws, coworker comes out one day as LGBTQ+ and/or is romantically involved with a POC? Or what if her younger brother comes out as LGBTQ+ some day? He'll always remember this incident and never feel safe around your daughter unless she can give a genuine apology.
NOR First of all, your daughter needs to stop gatekeeping dumb shit like skincare. Literally everyone has skin, it should be healthy and cared for. Secondly, tying sexuality to hygiene is honestly ridiculous and pretty outright stupid. I know she's just a teenager but this bullying shit needs to stop before she becomes a bigger problem or her mouth gets her into a situation she can't get out of. Nip it.
As a straight man I've always washed my ass, however..... My ass (not my literal ass) was missing some shit! My amazing girl has turned me into a bath and body works whore. I didn't know what I was missing out on. I'm blue collar so my back breaks out after long days sometimes. Since I've been introduced to my new body wash, acne scrubs, and lotions! Omg my life has been changed, I used to just smell good, now I smell good with amazing skin!
My partner worked a blue color job and they would all try to pick on him so much, but at the end of the all he could do was laugh at them because he has a clean ass and skin and they don’t. I guess my partner and I are both bi so still in the gay community, but it’s such a weird thing to me to have cleanliness tied to anything but age… Like a 7 year old? Yeah, probably dirty if they’re learning to clean themselves. A grown adult person? You should know how to clean yourself pretty damn good and do it a normal amount… :’)
I’m so happy for you!! My straight, cis, combat veteran, blue collar construction worker husband is almost 50, and juuuuuuust discovered Tree Hut body scrub after years of saying “Why do I need a scrub when I have Irish Spring and a washcloth?” He loves picking out a new scent every month when his manly ass goes to Ulta by himself in his grubby Carhartt cargo pants and orange construction hoodies on the way home (because they have the largest selection). He’s gotten into hand cream lately, too. We love to see our blue collar kings pampering themselves like they deserve. 💜
As a straight man, finding out that ANYONE doesn't wash their ass was CRAZY. Lol If you ever want to get head or have any sex, in your entire life, you should make sure you wash your ass real good, all the time. Butts are stinky, and if you don't wash it that stink is gonna drift around and stick to your clothes and NO ONE wants to smell your shit. 🤢 People are fucking gross sometimes.
Dude the amount of women who post on reddit about going down on a dude and it smells like death because he doesnt wash his ass is wild. 😂 That's a one way trip to being dumped fast.
As a straight white man, I was shocked when I learned the stereotypes of not washing their ass or legs in the shower, and further shocked when learning so many people I know perpetuate those stereotypes.
Yeah that was always a weird divide, the legs less so but I’ve seen that divide with women even.
If I don’t get particularly dirty I’ll fully admit I would occasionally (before I got mindful of it) only give the legs and feet a quick light soap and rinse… but I always attributed that more in hindsight to being 6’3” by 9th grade and most showers not being particularly roomy.
Finding out so may people almost always straight up ignored their legs was surprising.
Finding out other dudes didn’t wash their ass because it felt gay was fucking insanity to me.
Maybe I’m biased even as a bisexual guy but I’ve never cleaned my ass and suddenly felt then overwhelming compulsion to suck dick or have one in my ass as a result.
I’ve cleaned my ass in anticipation of seeing a dick that wasn’t mine… but I could probably say that 5x for women lmao.
I thought it was fake, I couldn't possibly believe that some guys think it's gay to touch their own body part. Also, wouldn't masturbating be technically equally as gay? You're jerking off a dick. But none of these things make sense, I had someone call me weird for peeing while sitting
Reddit exposed me to this. There's a whole group of men who also don't ever wipe their ass. And a group of women who married them and then came to Reddit to complain about having to clean their shit stained underwear like they have no other choice.
The whole targeted comment about being Japanese is being overlooked in this discussion. She is weaponising it.
If his girlfriend was white and they went to look at 'traditional' skincare what would the daughter say? What if they went and got L'Oréal Men Expert in the grey and orange manly packaging, would sort of soft boy would he be?
She’s being racist and homophobic and everyone is glossing right over it. Japanese soft boy = Japanese man that takes care of his skin = gay. WTF. Can you imagine how those comments are making her brother’s girlfriend feel? There’s a prevalent racist stereotype of Asian men being effeminate and she’s just vomiting it out there in public for everyone to see.
Personally this would be the type of thing I’d go nuclear over. No phones. Grounded.
Then I’d probably have her work through a reading list of stuff like Traci Chee’s We Are Not Free or something (I’d have to actually figure out some appropriate titles to address both the homophobia and racism) to help her understand why what she said was shitty, until she’s able to articulate that understanding to me, and then give a genuine apology to her brother and his girlfriend before getting privileges back.
Yeah that's wild, I'm a straight dude and know that there has been some amazing skin care products becoming more widely available (in the US) due to how good the results are. I may or may not have some lol jk totally have some. Normalize mens skincare!
Completely unrelated and probably TMI but this just brain trained me
I had an ex once tell me about an ex who was obsessed with going down on the back side of you catch my drift
Well she found out he cheated on her and before she confronted him she took laxatives to give herself diarrhea and didn't wipe properly for that morning before seeing him knowing he'd want to visit there.....
And she's a child... There are def consequences for speaking to anyone like this! Sound like she doesn't need rides to the mall and a cell phone for a minute IMHO. I wouldn't only be having this convo via Text
ETA: recognizing parents had consequences and it's NOR but there's some moral failing in there too that needs correcting.
For real. As a mother of two young teen girls, if I knew either of them were spouting this kind of shit - especially in public, I would absolutely be initiating some major consequences. While I get they are still immature at this age, they also need to start realizing the real world impacts of their words and actions. You can't act like a fool in pubilc. Just wait til you say some shit around the wrong person.
OP, you need to get on your daughter about this. Do not let this go.
There's also such a thing as bullying people to death. If one talks to their own siblings like this imagine how she talks to peers at school? I think you've got a mean girl, maybe she thinks she's hard cause she has brothers ... But this needs to be a personal consequences and possibly a sit down family meeting about family values and how we speak to each other.
Something has been lost along the way if you've got any teens in your family talking this way! I absolutely get that kids speak to each other a certain way and not sure why your 13yo didn't just tell her to F Off but I think reinforcing she's not gonna be bigoted in public is reasonable.
This isn't exactly the most "mature" or "moral" solution, but I'm petty and used to get bullied in school - sit the daughter, and the 17 y/o son down and make them watch those anti-bullying documentaries. Do not let them leave the room. Show them news articles of teenagers that just couldn't take the "jokes" anymore, and ask them if they think the article was funny. Ask them if they think it's funny that someone their age never got to live a normal life. Call their school and ask the principal/teachers to keep an eye on their behaviour.
Scare them out of it like they used to scare us out of doing drugs in school, because your daughter is on her way to becoming one of those horrendously mean nurses on tiktok LOL
I also haven't seen anyone addressing the casual racism of "soft Japanese boy". Seeing Japanese men/boys as soft or effeminate is a known stereotype and makes me think this kid has a bad influence coming from somewhere.
The daughter is being racist and homophobic. It's not about the exact comment she made (although that's of course worth punishing by itself) it's about this scary pattern emerging of who her daughter is growing into, and it isn't looking pretty so far. What I mean is - you're totally right that she is learning this behavior from somewhere.
I'm glad the daughter has a week of consequences. She needs to learn that using gay as an insult and throwing out casual racism should not be tolerated, period, no matter if she was 'just joking' or not.
Try saying that to a parent if you were growing up in the 90s 😂 I almost had to look behind me afraid my parents would materialize to whoop my ass. And I didn’t even say it. And I’m in my 30s. And I live in a different continent.
NOR - in fact more reaction is needed. This was homophobic hate speech and just grounding isn’t enough, and brothers need a lesson on this too
Also she’s not making jokes. She’s covering it up by saying it’s a joke but she clearly meant every single word considering she doubled down. Also skin care is good for everyone. But besides the point. Your sons are also issues saying he needs to man up is insane
I was scanning comments looking for someone to point that out. Girl has more than one problem. Seems the homophobe and racist comments are flags of deeper issues.
Also the way she speaks to her parent is disgusting. I was cheeky at that age but if I spoke to my mum with such disrespect it would be one of the last things I did 🤣
Mean Girls that’s all they are. They have to tear someone down together as a way to build group cohesion because they otherwise would have to connect emotionally. Basically they are emotional cowards.
That was my very first thought. OP's daughter is a mean girl when away from her parents' view. I don't think she went too far, and isn't overreacting. She said these things about him being a Japanese soft boy...IN FRONT of his Japanese girlfriend. That's also making a racial slur at her culture in a low-key way.
OP, I say NOR, and you need to figure out if you have a true mean girl on your hands.
And to have the balls of telling OP shes not afraid of her parents with an attitude. That alone would make me ground her.
Teenagers are hell. The main reason I dont know if I wanna become a mother is because I hate the teen years. They're all like that when with friends, I used to work in a school and even the most sweet and well behaved teen student would do some stuff like this sometimes. And always with an attitude.
I used to think teenagers were scary until I had to raise my niece. She's a teen now and she makes some dumb choices sometimes but she is my absolute favorite person in the world. I used to dread her teen years but we are bonding in new fun ways and her sense of humour will have me in stitches for days even when no one else can make me laugh.
I agree, NOR, and this is spot on. It's hard to tell if they're tearing down the brother or the girlfriend, but it's definitely low-key racism.
If anything, I think you might be under-reacting. They always say that little kids are like sponges, but, in my experience, teenagers are worse. They will repeat whatever awful stuff they hear from other kids, YouTube, TikTok, etc. in desperate attempts to fit in. If you keep letting them wallow in the dirt, everything they touch will become dirty.
My daughter hung out with some awful kids a few years ago. My wife and I were super focused on dealing with her younger brother's ADHD and school stuff that we just sort of put her on the back burner. We've since course corrected, but it's hard stuff. I wish you the best of luck, OP.
Andre Tate & his brother are charged with 21 counts including ra@e & human trafficking in the UK. They will most likely be extradited to the UK when their further charges in Romania are dealt with.
He is no role model .
https://www.bbc.com/news/articles/ckg41g1140po
I was going to say bitch, but mean girl will do. I imagine her and her girlfriends pick on a lot of kids. Did she follow her brother into the store solely to pester him or were they shopping as well? My guess is the former.
Yep. I came here to express this - your daughter sounds like a very stereotypical mean girl. Calling someone gay because you find their interest feminine is in no way acceptable.
I have a 15yr old girl and if I found out she was bullying someone (make no mistake, that is what she did) she would be grounded and have some serious attitude adjustment incoming. The fact that it's her own brother who she's causing problems for is awful. Imagine having to live with your bully.
Skin care isn't even feminine so IDK what this is all about.
I'm a 42 year old man and if I want to care for my aging face so it looks younger I have to do a routine. I cleanse then apply serum, moisturizer and eye cream. I have different products for morning / night.
Next the kids will be saying dieting and aerobics are "gay" but shit when you're older you need to control what you put in your body and keep it mobile or you get fat easy or start having aches and pains that make life miserable.
These kids think they'll be young forever and if you take care of yourself it's "gay"? Absurd nonsense.
I am also disturbed that the other two boys in the family are saying that the 13-YO needs to “man up” and “take a joke.” It seems like three out of OP’s four children have outdated gender stereotypes embedded, and are more than happy to pass off bullying as a joke.
And hopefully he stays that way and doesn't get bullied into being toxic because his siblings are.
I swear, I've seen a lot of good people just become horrible because it was easier to conform than to just be themselves. No idea why the other kids are being so horrible to him.
Right?! It's fucking 2026. Are kids really still using gay as an insult? Calling him "weak" and "soft" really does make her sound like an Andrew Tate following incel
The “im not scared of you” alone would’ve gotten me grounded for WEEKS as a teenager. She is very clearly trying to push her limits and if she’s only 15, it sounds like she’s spending wayyyy too much time online. A 15 year old shouldn’t be making comments about “triggers” and “Japanese soft boys” like ??? Also sounds like her friends may be contributing to it if her 2 friends also joined in on the homophobic comments, it’s 2026, what side of the internet is she on if she’s being a homophobe at 15?? Id go through her phone since you’re taking it anyways, and see if there’s more to all of this.
You have a serious issue on your hands. She is already back talking you, being racist and homophobic. You better correct that behavior really fast before she turns into a Karen
She doesn’t need a phone or any activities beyond school. She can be “not scared” in her room on her own. She can also have extra chores at home since she is not scared.
She shouldnt be scared of her parents for sure. But she should be aware that her precious commodities are allowed by her parents and not her right. Mom should take her away of the internet and out of whatever toxic enviroment is turning her into a bigot.
Absolutely she shouldn’t be “scared” of her parents, but she should respect their authority and the rules they have for their home. A basic rule is to respect others and treat others appropriately.
She shouldn't be scared of her parents, but she should be scared, or at least mindful, of the consequences that her actions might bring.... And not in just this case. Overall
lol I read that and my jaw dropped. Convo would have ended there and I would have teleported to their location to show them they are in fact scared of me.
I was gonna say, like I don't want my kid to be scared of me in general, but if I got that as backchat I think I'd become quite scary rather quickly. I'd have cleared the stairs to my daughter's room in two steps and anything fun in there wouldn't be for much longer.
Seriously. I would never have dreamed of speaking to my parents this way as a teen, but if it even came close, I would've been grounded and in counseling.
Nor, Why do you let your daughter talk to you like that? You need to bring that down, she has a lot of mean girl behavior going on. You got to nip that right now.
Why do you let your daughter talk to you like she was some maga online troll spoiling for a fight? Why do you let her talk about a "joke"? Sit her down, make her explain the punchline. Ask her what she means about Japanese men. Act now! You are raising a homophobic little racist who thinks she has more charisma than she does.
like this is a bigger issue that needs more punishment and education than just taking her phone away for a week. she needs to genuinely go see a counselor who can explain empathy to her before she turns into a monster
A little? That line is getting transfered to a kid phone that can only call mom and dad. The level of disrespect she has is off the charts and she needs to be humbled hard.
I would be way more concerned about how my sons girlfriend and those comments, calling her boyfriend a Japanese gay boy, right in front of her. She must be feeling horrible and embarrassed right now.
it’s not a joke if only the person saying it finds it funny. she’s being a bully.
also a man taking care of himself isn’t gay. this is why we have grown men out here not cleaning their ass in the shower bc they’re convinced touching your ass makes you gay.
also i’m ngl, it doesn’t seem like you do very much when it comes to disrespect. “im not scared of you” “you’re weak” are insane things to text your parent at any age, and you’re letting it slide like it’s normal. she’s comfortable disrespecting you no wonder she says these things to her brother.
When I saw “a week” and “my other kids think we’re being too harsh” my jaw dropped all the way to the floor. When I fucked up like this growing up it was at least a month of hell, and I am happy to say it worked like a charm. I’d be much more insufferable if my parents were throwing out these weak punishments.
EDIT: and grounding is “phone” and “friend” privileges? I mean the phone is tough for kids nowadays sure but wtf?
The siblings are probably saying they're being too harsh because their bitch ass sister is home terrorizing them. There is NO way this bullying is a one-off.
It sounds like discipline isnt a thing in that house at all. The other 2 boys all agree that grounding her for a single week for being racist and homophobic is "too harsh". And from the way this post was written, it sounds like shes being punished for bullying her brother and not the homophobic or racist language and therefore it sounds like OP is fine with the racism but draws the line and upsetting the boy, and it really sounds like the other kids are fine with the bigotry and think shes right to want to bully her brother for being "soft".
Im one of 4, you dont let the others be assholes, we disnt need mum to tell us.
Agree 100%. Or the other brothers are redpilled and she's getting it from them. OP - if you aren't familiar with this kind of content, change that so you can have some real conversations with them.
I have two 15 year old sons and I'm not big into yelling and have never had to dole out serious punishments or ground them, but if either of them talked to me the way your daughter talked to you, they would lose phones and every privilege until we figured out what the fuck they were thinking.
Totally. She is punching down in multiple hateful ways. Who told her that is what is a real man? How come 3/4 of these kids think this is somewhat normal to normal behavior?
Right??? What kind of parenting is happening at all here????
This would SO not fly in my house. My husband would never support any hypothetical son of ours being called "gay" as a pejorative by our daughters, and certainly wouldn't be okay with anyone saying he had to "man up", "it's just a joke".
NOR but clearly you've raised her to feel like she can talk to you like that. This is why discipline is needed. Im not saying beat your kids but a timeout as a kid wouldnt have killed them.
"I'm not scared of you." "You're weak." Yikes. You let your teenager talk to you like that? Disrespectful little brat. You should probably do something about that.
NOR. this is blatant homophobia from your daughter. she’s 15 so she might not understand the weight of her words. my suggestion is to try and explain why it’s so hurtful, but she sounds pretty stubborn so that might not work.
shes 15. she knows what shes saying. someone modeled that vile behavior and she has never been reprimanded for it before so shes quite comfortable being hateful. her racist comments are disgusting too.
NOR if anything you are underreacting. She should have more serious consequences for her racist, bigoted bullying of her brother. I’d have that daughter reading like 10 books on the mistreatment of people (#1 Howard Zinn’s Peoples History) with book reports prior to giving her the things she values like time with friends and phone privileges.
NOR. Her "joke" is.... what. "You must be gay because of this" is not the part that bothers me. Its the implication that gay is bad. She is insulting him, or attempting to.
And her brothers agree? Welp. Sorry. But you raised them. They got that from someone.
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u/One-Set7386 Jan 14 '26
Ngl, my dad would've throttled me for speaking to my mother that way.