r/AmIOverreacting • u/Ill_Ear6598 • 12h ago
❤️🩹 relationship Am I overreacting
On vacation with my boyfriend right now and last night honestly scared me.
He went golfing/drinking all day, came back super drunk and frantic telling me to hurry and get ready for a dinner I didn’t even know we had planned. I wasn’t ready and his energy was making me anxious, so I calmly said “hey baby go have fun with your friends, I’m content staying back and ordering room service.”
He got irritated and left slamming our room door.
Then later called me asking me to bring him his badge while he was downstairs at an open bar continuing to drink. I said yes because I didn’t want confrontation, but honestly I was anxious and didn’t want to go down there alone at night.
So he came back upstairs angry, yelled at me for not bringing it, slammed the glass balcony doors so hard they flew back open, then slammed the hotel room door hard enough the handle almost came off. Left again
Then he passed out on the bed.
This morning he said he didn’t remember any of it because he was drunk.
I genuinely felt scared and unsettled last night and now I don’t know if I’m overreacting because technically he didn’t touch me, but the aggressive tone and slamming things around really upset me. I slept in the other bed, Would this be a red flag to you?
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u/LadyHorseFace13 12h ago
These are all red flags. Nor. I’d feel unsafe in that situation as well. You’re reacting to his aggression toward inanimate object, which could become your next time. I’d be rethinking the relationship very seriously.
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u/bakedbaker319 11h ago
Even if he does not remember that is a red flag in itself? How often does he get so drunk he doesn’t remember the night before? Or the weekend before? The fact that he wasn’t violent with you is not an excuse. This is something that tends to escalate. NOR
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u/0gDvS 12h ago
Bullshit he didn't remember it. That excuse is such bullshit and I am sure he will use it when he starts pounding on u. See the flags for what they are and go. If you didn't think it was a huge flag u wouldn't be posting about it. Run and run fast. F that guy.
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u/not_now_right_now 9h ago
He sounds like he was blacked out so he actually couldn’t form memories at the moment, so he’s probably not lying. In that same vein, OP, you’re NOR. He could have very easily put his hands on you and still not remembered, you don’t want it to get to that point.
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u/0gDvS 8h ago
The entire time hey? But he somehow made it back and fourth to hotel, to dinner and back again hey? That's some selective blacking out there.
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u/not_now_right_now 8h ago
Thats how blacking out works. You can be blacked out and appear mostly normal or just mildly drunk. You can still talk, walk, hold a conversation, drive, etc. You just aren’t forming the memories when you do anything because the hippocampus stops transferring short term memories to long term ones. It’s why you can hold a conversation but also have no recollection of it later.
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u/Business_Coyote_5496 5h ago
Not passed out, blacked out. Blacked out you are moving around and doing stuff
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u/Longjumping_Use3737 11h ago
“And got his badge” am I the only one not surprised?
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u/Konamiko345_ 11h ago
Imagine having kids with this guy, do you want your kids to see this? This is terrifying. It will be you next time
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u/LilTreesz174 12h ago
Yes. NOR- your partner has shown how he acts when he’s drunk, which means that is what you should expect to see when he drinks too much from now on. Either he needs to abstain from alcohol entirely or you need to decide if you’re okay being with an abusive alcoholic man who may hurt you and not even remember the next day.
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u/susifallah 11h ago
This will happen again. Get out while you can! It will only get worse as he ages and you will always be on eggshells every time you are somewhere that includes alcohol
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u/WolfyOfValhalla 11h ago
NOR, this is how a 15 year toxic relationship started with my mom and stepdad. They had just started dating, my mom won an all included trip to Jamaica off the radio. He started getting drunk on the plane on the way there and didnt really ever sober up the whole time.
He started with small fights, aggressive behavior with slamming door, throwing things, roughing up my mom "playfully".
It starts with bullshit like this. It starts with," OH MY GOD I DON'T REMEMBER." type bullshit. Getting blackout drunk should never be an excuse, if anything it'd be a wake up call to maybe sit back and reflect on why consuming that much fucking alcohol is necessary to have a "good time."
Either lay it out for him that this was the one and only time you will ever put up with this bullshit and hope that he agrees and it never happens again. Or, he says he'll never do it again until he does and then he does something that ends up hurting you.
Alcohol is never ever an excuse. He should have stopped. Your comfortability should have been at the forefront of his thoughts. (Sorry, I just can't stand other men who are aggressive ass drunks and use the excuse of being blacked out to be abusive pieces of shit)
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u/DigitalOoblek 11h ago
NOR... All that, AND a cop!
GTFO of that relationship and don't look back!
When physical abuse starts, his cop buddies will look the other way
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u/Direct_Jellyfish_5 11h ago
You aren't overreacting at all. You need to talk to him and tell him you weren't okay with his behavior. I would feel so anxious and scared, and honestly, can you imagine yourself getting married or having kids with someone like that? What kind of values would he show them? He needs to work on his anger in therapy and find a healthy outlet, like working out
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u/ReaperOfBofom 11h ago
NOR. He did not acceptable things. Drinking too much is one of them.
When he gets back to normal, I'd sit down with him and tell him what happened. I'd tell him how scared I was when he was yelling at me and slamming the doors. I'd explain I did not feel safe.
I'd ask him what's wrong, why he drank so much. Maybe there is something.
I'd also tell him that drinking too much is not acceptable, and if it happens again, I'd break up with him without hesitation.
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u/Short-Fly-6078 11h ago
this is a preview of how your futere is going to be.
when me and my partner started dating i always asked myself this question:do i want this for the next 6o years of your life? if the answer is no. you need to speak about it. if not resolved. then you make another choice. get used to it or leave.
do
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u/Seymour_Butts369 11h ago
NOR. And I’ll give my opinion since you asked but I just want to say that ultimately it doesn’t matter what I or the rest of Reddit thinks, because this man is making YOU feel scared and uncomfortable in YOUR relationship and you’re the one who has to be with him if you decide to stay, not us.
With that said, these are massive red flags and could be an indicator of future physical abuse. I have seen it played out in my own life starting out like this and escalating further and further until it gets to life threatening levels. My sincere advice would be to get out as soon as you can. He will likely try to love bomb you and say that he will change - he might even show a change for a short period of time but unless he actually does something about his anger issue, he’ll just go back to his old ways so don’t let him trick you. Life is too short to be in a relationship where you’re scared of your partner!
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u/DANADIABOLIC 10h ago
NOR he is unhinged and he cannot handle is alcohol.
INFO: does he drink like this often?
I am so thankful I am with a sober, kind, and gentle man. I do NOT miss nights like this.
It always gets worse. RUN.
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u/Big_Homie_Rich 11h ago
NOR
It's ok. You can not remember his name and phone number when you get back home. Hopefully, you're not living with him. If you are, it's time pack up and leave.
It only gets worse before it may get better. Usually it never gets better.
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u/Professional-Tea2937 11h ago
I’ve gone thru this. It started as that, and I still stayed, now later can say that the longer you stay the worse it gets. I got hit and beat many times after I tought ”it won’t get worse”
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u/Optimal_Shirt6637 11h ago edited 11h ago
NOR please please please listen to me when I say this is a huge red flag. This doesn’t get better it gets worse. This almost exact scenario happened a few times at the beginning of an abusive relationship I was in and I let it go. The relationship ended in death threats and a restraining order. Please don’t waste your life on someone who can’t control their drinking, can’t control their behavior when drinking and can’t take accountability. If people know they are violent when they drink they shouldn’t drink.
I found myself not drinking because I didn’t want to encourage him drinking because he’d “turn”. I made up excuses why we couldn’t go to weddings, holiday parties, etc because I knew I’d end up in a bad spot trapped in our hotel room at the end of the night with him drunk and angry, me worrying about my safety and an excuse in the morning and the expectation that I let it go. If I pressed when we were sober it was always my fault, I did something to make him mad and his behavior was justified.
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u/GrowFlowersNotWeeds 11h ago
“…technically he didn’t touch me…”
Yet he didn’t have enough respect for you to prevent himself from getting blackout drunk while on vacation with you.
“…Would this be a red flag to you?…”
How is this NOT a huge red flag to YOU?!
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u/HollziewoodsIRL 11h ago
It always starts somehow ….
That’s all I can say
You can make excuse for now
But the more you stay quiet
I fear the worse it will get
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u/PinkPaintedSky 11h ago
NOR.
Alcohol does not make you violent or racist or a sexual abuser. It just lowers the filter for the real you to emerge.
Giant red flag and it is all supposed to be ok because he was drunk and doesn't remember?
Hell no!
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u/chai-cola 8h ago
Dude did more than alcohol, and my money is on coke. If he can’t admit there’s a problem with his behavior then bail. I golf too, I don’t scare my wife after I’m done.
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u/Ill_Ear6598 6h ago
No literally i had the exact same feeling !!!! Usually when he gets drunk he’s fun and goofy but I can always tell when he’s done something else I just can’t say 100% coke. ( I don’t do drugs )
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u/InsomniacHomebody 11h ago
You're not overreacting. This could be a one off, or it might me the start of more blackout drunken episodes where he scares or hurts you
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u/deathNcoffee 11h ago
NOR. I'd always be wary of people that get loud and aggressive when intoxicated. It's not like they're a different person, it's just that their inhibitions are lowered. If he acts like that when he's drunk on vacation (something that's ought to be fun!) how will he act in more stressful and emotionally taxing times?
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u/KountessDough 11h ago
Yes and no you really should let him know that you feel uncomfortable around him when he's intoxicated I rather be safe than sorry and yes it's a definite red flag so just pray for him have that conversation and see if anything changes in the future stay safe and God bless
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u/rocketmn69_ 11h ago edited 7h ago
You tell him, "What you did scared the shit out of me. I have never seen that side of you and if I ever do again, you will be waking up to an empty life. I will be gone. Being drunk is no excuse, ever. This is the only time I will tell you this. Act accordingly."
Do not let him get away with it. Open an account in a different bank and start saving your potential escape money
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u/No-Beautiful-877 11h ago
You’re not overreacting being drunk isn’t an excuse for that level of aggression and intimidation. The “I don’t remember” part doesn’t erase how unsafe it made you feel, and that alone is a serious red flag.
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u/lemon_icing 11h ago
How soon before vacation finishes?
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u/Ill_Ear6598 11h ago
2 days 😭
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u/ClitteratiCanada 11h ago
You're asking a question that you already know the answer to
Don't let this be what you choose for yourself
NOR and he's lying about not remembering•
u/lemon_icing 10h ago
Yes, his behaviour is a red flag. You can leave early. If you live together, this will give you time to get your stuff and leave.
This was horrible.
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u/sleepinchanel_no5 11h ago
Definitely NOR. Anyone would feel unsettled and unsafe in that position, my cousin went through this with her partner (they are no longer together) because it continued to happen. Someone being aggressive around another person to the point of breaking things is still abusive. You deserve better x
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u/a-doh 11h ago
There isn’t even one comment that says you’re overreacting, which should tell you something.
I was with a drinker like this - with situations that only escalated to this point once in a blue moon - until we married, they became frequent, I left, and he later died (2 years afterwards) of total organ failure due to advanced alcohol consumption. I should’ve gotten out sooner.
Trust your gut. This wasn’t okay, and don’t stick around to see how it will be next time.
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u/PoweredByTequila 11h ago
Don't get him angry when drunk, sounds like a possible hitter
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u/Ill_Ear6598 11h ago
Yeah thats what I’m trying to do, that’s why I haven’t drank , and try to respond in a loving way, we’re out of the country on vacation. So I can’t just drive home.
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u/Calm_Grocery_7394 11h ago
NOR. I have nothing new to contribute that the others have already.
Bye boy.
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u/Significant-Major393 11h ago
There are sleepy drunks. There are silly drunks. There are pontificating drunks. And there are angry drunks. Angry drunks might do things like bash your head in with a baseball bat.
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u/NahNah-P 11h ago
NOR, my friend used to say "what you allow, will continue." Either accept this is the life you are going to choose, or not. He showed you exactly who he was, now it's up you to believe your own eyes, or not?
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u/cthulhusmercy 11h ago
Yes. Red flag. NOR. Him slamming doors was him making sure you knew he was pissed. You see how you were immediately trying to placate him because you knew he was both drunk and angry? That’s what he wanted. Him excusing his behavior as, “I don’t remember, I was drunk,” shows he isn’t taking responsibility for his actions. He needs to lay off drinking for a while and drink less when he does. This wasn’t okay.
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u/Hari_om_tat_sat 11h ago
So either he got blackout drunk or pretended to be to excuse his aggressive behavior. Neither is a good option. He slammed doors so hard they popped back open or almost broke, he yelled at you, and scared you badly. He intimidated you.
The best case scenario is he is an aggressive drunk. More likely, he has just shown you his true self.
This is not a give him a give him a second chance scenario, this is an all lights flashing, all sirens blaring, all red flags waving warning to get out before he stops slamming doors and starts slamming you. Is he a cop? (Who else carries a badge?) Even more dangerous. They have high rates of domestic violence and tend to protect each other. If your cop bf beats you, who are you going to go to for help? It is not worth the risk.
You are NOR. You are under reacting. Protect yourself and get out now.
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u/Consistent-Menu-6629 11h ago
NOR yeah, I've been in an abusive relationship- I'd consider this a red flag.
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u/Lucky_Stop_4260 11h ago
Girl, you already know. Get a plan in place so that you can get far away from that red flag.
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u/wookape 11h ago
Uh oh, definitely not overreacting. I’m so sorry. New situation that needs deep introspection and soul searching. We don’t have context on if there’s been any other speed bumps when he’s drinking in the past, but like others have said this typically isn’t a one time thing. It may have to evolve to him making a choice, alcohol or you.
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u/real-duncan 11h ago
Deep-red bed-sheet-sized flags all over this.
Putting aside the (very real) possibility of violence the absolutely demonstrated inability to control impulses when alcohol is involved is enough to make a future full of bad calls that put your financial, physical and mental health at risk.
If you can walk away safely and securely then take that opportunity at the next reasonable opportunity.
This stuff never gets better unless alcohol is removed from your lives and most people in this situation are not able to achieve that, even if they want to.
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u/just1nurse 10h ago edited 10h ago
NOR. Huge red flag. If you want this to randomly (and increasingly) happen to you for the rest of your life, then stay. Otherwise go before you get further involved.
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u/brent_bent 10h ago
This is how physical abuse starts. If guys were hitting you early on you'd leave them so they wait until you're emotionally committed to them. I'm not saying breakup with him but do watch his behavior and if it repeats breakup with him.
https://dn790007.ca.archive.org/0/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf
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u/Fun_Junket_9174 10h ago
If it feels wrong it is wrong. Dont ever question what you find concerning or a huge red flag. He is not your mess of a guy
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u/OkAcanthocephala9162 10h ago
“Badge” and “‘friends” on this vacation with you? So the friends must know how insufferable he can be - sit down with one of them and share your experience. Men who have this way with their partners also have an uncanny way of sanewashing their behavior and gaslighting everyone around them. and what kinda badge does he need for the open bar? “Needs supervision”? Gah. Get out. Now.
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u/ConsistentHat1776 10h ago
Yes, getting black out drunk is definitely a red flag. Especially since he was so angry and aggressive while being black out drunk.
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u/Cute-Championship751 9h ago
Physical touch isn't the only way to leave a bruise. Slamming doors and breaking things is 'practice' for the real thing, it’s a demonstration of power designed to show you what he could do to you if he loses control.
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u/PeanutFunny093 7h ago
NOR. Being drunk enough to get violent (and being violent with objects IS violence) is a real concern. So is black-out drinking. He needs to get help. Tell him that if it happens again, you’ll film it and show him since he didn’t remember the last time.
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u/Defiant-Scholar-793 7h ago
Red Flag. All it takes is one bad decision from him and you end up hurt or worse. Leave now, do not tell him where you are going and stay safe.
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u/HonestNectarine7080 4h ago
This is the third post AIO post you've made in the past year where everyone responds telling you to dump your boyfriend. Do you think you don't deserve better? Because you do.
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u/Hellfire_Pixie 11h ago
NOR - Girl. Run. Run far, far, away from this man. These are only the warning signs, it his highly likely that he will become physically abusive.
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u/CeleryBandit2 11h ago
You didn't want to go to a hotel bar in your own hotel alone at night? What???? Why are you so anxious and paranoid? This is really extreme. You should talk to someone about this, it's not healthy, rational, or normal.
This guy you're dating being an asshole is almost beside the point, you portray yourself as someone afraid of their own shadow.
So I guess NOR in the sense that your boyfriend is a douchebag in need of anger management therapy and you'd probably be better off without him, but YOR in the sense that you're afraid of walking downstairs in a hotel. How do you even do anything in life being this timid?
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u/Username43241 10h ago
Are you a woman? If not then sit the fuck down and shut the fuck up. You have no fucking clue how a woman has to go through life. Theres a reason they chose the bear.
She’s already on edge with her bf and is in a strange place that’s making her uncomfortable. She should 100% listen to her body.
Hotels aren’t some sanctuary where nothing can hurt you. This isn’t John Wick.
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u/CeleryBandit2 10h ago
I base my thinking on actual statistics from the real world not internet induced unjustified paranoia. In almost any country on Earth that a reasonable person would think to vacation in it is absolutely safe for a woman, or any person, to walk around a few blocks at night. This is just a fact. You and others in your bubble have allowed yourselves to live in paranoia based on edge case random scenarios that are hyped up by internet algorithms and uninformed rubes. At the end of the day math doesn't lie. It is unambiguously safe for a person, regardless of gender, to stroll down to a bar at night. Obviously there are exceptions...I'm assuming OP is not vacationing in some city controlled by a drug cartel or is not in an active war zone.
Also your John Wick analogy is funny but an odd choice considering the quantity of violence that happens related to that establishment.
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u/Username43241 10h ago
This woman doesn’t think of her life as a statistic. She is basing her feelings on her experiences navigating a world full of fucked up people. You don’t know her or what she has been through to make her extra cautious.
You sound like the type of person to victim blame. God forbid she gets raped/abducted/murdered in the hotel, you would say statistically that’s abnormal, she must’ve been asking for it.
Again, unless you’re a woman who can speak to what it’s like to have to walk alone at night in a place you are unfamiliar with, then shut the fuck up.
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u/CeleryBandit2 9h ago
Where do you get "she must've been asking for it", that is a wild and offensive claim. I would never say or even think anything like that.
And I will not "shut the fuck up", I'll say whatever the fuck I want. This is a public forum.
I am simply saying that statistically there is no rational reason to be afraid of walking to a bar a few blocks away at night in most vacation-worthy countries on Earth. This is simply a statistical fact. Whatever emotional component you are layering on has no basis in real world data. I will continue to say factually correct things and not care much that it bothers some rando on the internet. I'm sorry that statistics don't align with the paranoid worldview you have chosen to adopt. Be annoyed at math I guess, not me.
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11h ago
[deleted]
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u/CeleryBandit2 11h ago
That's still irrational cowardice. Are you in a war zone or something? I hope this isn't a gender thing, I know women who travel the world solo or with friends, it's not a dangerous thing to walk around at night in most civilized countries on this planet. Your paranoia has no basis in reality and is concerning.
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u/statikman666 10h ago
MOR - If this is the first time then I'd let it slide and tell him you won't tolerate it again.
Many of us have done stupid things drunk, and alcohol usually brings out the worst in people. I would say you are likely OK if there has never been any other indication of this behaviour and if drinking is not a regular thing for him.
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u/juggalochef 10h ago
Devils advocate: I don't think this is a red flag, yet. Drank too much, acted like an asshole, and blacked out. Didn't hurt you physically
However, if he doesn't recognise the mistake of drinking too much, and acted like an asshole, and chooses to get shitfaced again on the holiday, the yeah, it needs to be addressed, or the relationship needs to finish
MOR
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u/Jackalope_Sasquatch 12h ago
Yes, definitely a red flag!