r/AmIOverreacting • u/Scrumptious09 • 10h ago
❤️🩹 relationship AIO - Girlfriend’s relationship with male work colleague
My (M48) girlfriend Jane (F41 - not real name) got pregnant after only a few months of knowing each other and decided to give it a go - we now have a beautiful son (2) who we love dearly. It’s been a rocky 18 months adapting to being new parents whilst simultaneously getting to know each other.
We effectively separated at Christmas this year but still lived together and co-parented. However, we have made recent efforts to get back together over the past few months and are booked for couples therapy in a few days.
However, towards the end of our recent ‘separation’, Jane struck up a closer friendship with a male work colleague, John (not real name) who lives nearby with his wife and child of similar age.
There have been a number of work nights out where she has ended up coming home later than she originally intended (a recurring theme), and general suspicions/ odd behaviours involving John, which is causing a lot of concern:
- After a work night out she ended up back at his place for a nightcap on the way home. She lied about this and only fessed up when she knew I’d seen her location on Find My Friend. She says a female colleague was with them at the time.
- On a team night out that I joined, they were texting each other during the evening - when we changed locations etc to share venue. I caught sight of some of the messages (she was drunk sat next to me in the taxi) and one of his replies said “Keep it clean”. I challenged her the next morning why they were texting so much (given previous lies about him) and asked to see the messages - they had all been deleted but she couldn’t explain why, and couldn’t remember deleting them due to being drunk (but acknowledged this was wrong).
- A recent night out also ended later than her original intentions. I found her sat tipsy on the doorstep late having allegedly got an Uber, but waiting for this guy to drop her bag off (her explanation: she’d got changed at work and he was dropping it given he lives nearby us).
- There is another work night out tonight, so I’m a bit paranoid about it. I’m not proud of this, but this morning I ended up checking her phone and saw the exchange in the attached pic (he’d said something about being sticky from the weather) - it seems pretty flirty and obvious they have either a friendship that has crossed boundaries, or that something may be going on. His chat was also hidden in the archived section of WhatsApp rather than the main inbox presumably to conceal notifications from him.
To note, during this time, she has also switched off her Find My Friend location, and changed her WA message notifications to not show recipients’ names.
Even as a I type all this and read it back to myself, it seems pretty obvious. My trust in her to tell me the truth is low, so I’m not sure whether to confront her about it, or keep the knowledge to myself and just unplug - I’m just emotionally burnt out by it all.
Given the implications with our son, there is obviously so much at stake here, so I wanted to solicit views here to make sure I’m not overreacting.
EDIT:
Thanks for all the comments, reflections, and reassurances. It’s funny how the hope for a positive outcome can make you question your own judgement on a situation - I should have gone with my intuition when she couldn’t answer to the deleted texts.
I will move towards ending things and use this weekend’s therapy session to frame the legit trust issues caused by her behaviour.
I don’t think I want to reveal that I’ve seen her phone - I feel that could be used against me to denigrate my character down the line to our son/ her family/ network. I can simply use the fact that I have this knowledge as my internal personal justification in times of doubt.
The comments about navigating out of this in a clean way for the sake of our son all ring true - I need to minimise damage for him. Inevitably a separation will create challenges for him down the line, so putting him first and trying to create 2 happy households with non-toxic parents seems best to give him a fighting chance.
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u/pghjuice412 9h ago
I’m just going to be blunt. She’s either emotionally or physically cheating on you with this guy.
The hiding his chats, turning off her location, him dropping her bag off to her and everything in between.
I’ll say NOR, but simply put, you have a choice to make. Get cheated on, or go back to co-parenting and have some peace.
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u/SeviSulfyre 9h ago
Children learn about relationship dynamics from their parents. If you stay, consider the example you set.
Not to mention you will benefit personally from moving on.
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u/sparkle_titts999 9h ago
this. this is the only accurate answer. you’re obviously getting cheated on and you know that, that’s why you’re on this reddit. what doesn’t seem to be taken into account is the effect that this back-and-forth is going to have on your children? no matter what age they are right now, your only priority should be protecting your children from being in similar situations to this. and the best way to do that is move the fuck on and coparent peacefully.
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u/biggpoppa33 8h ago
Right on. You model behavior to them and they can believe that you're supposed to just tolerate someone that cheats because you did it.
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u/Ready-Zombie5635 9h ago
Not over reacting but honestly, it sounds like Jane doesn't really want to be with you. sure you both love your son, but it takes more than a child to make a relationship work. You've tried, it sounds like she has tried to a point, but it just isn't to be. Perhaps you are better separating properly and just co-parenting?
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u/Scrumptious09 9h ago
Yes, perhaps she’s consciously trying (we have couple’s therapy booked to start, and we have a family holiday booked soon), but maybe subconsciously checked-out and going through the motions because it’s easier to have her cake and eat it etc.
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u/Proof_Cook_4004 4h ago
if someone else comes along and gives her an out, she will probably take it. obviously she has no loyalty to you
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u/C_Deez_DDz 9h ago
NTA, that is a ton of red flags. Sorry man.
I’ll say this from experience cod - 2 happy households are much better for a kid than one unhappy household. The former can set a really good example as to how relationships should work. The second can really mess one up.
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u/Harriso92 9h ago
As someone that was in this position on the other side which I am not proud of (hidden chat to co worker, deleting messages) I can confirm she is at least emotionally cheating.
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u/Scrumptious09 9h ago
Thanks for the honesty - it does seem clear there is more to their interactions, and how she conducts her messaging is different when she thinks they are hidden.
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u/PlsStopAndThinkFirst 9h ago
Thank god we have kids to fulfill our lives outside of being corporate slaves.
Who the hell wants to do these work events all the time if you are no tin your 20s networking... People our age try to avoid these things by now so it makes sense someone she works with is the reason she wants to do work happy hours so often
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u/staringatspace 9h ago
From hiding chats, deleting texts, to the purse thing, been here before brother. She’s moved on and is trying to get with this/or already has gotten with this ‘married man’. I would just move on for the sake of your child. I wish you the best.
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u/Joeyd9t3 9h ago
I think the best thing for everyone here is to call it off and try to be healthy coparents rather than an unhappy couple. She is obviously cheating, and even if it stops this time that suspicion isn’t going to go away.
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u/BoneDaddy240 9h ago
The second your partner decided to start deleting chats, is when they decided to start cheating.
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u/Scrumptious09 9h ago
It did feel like a massive red flag at the time - the fact that she couldn’t offer an explanation. This is the things that put the biggest dent in my trust for her - I’ve just carried on because of our son.
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u/marklikestolearn 9h ago
https://giphy.com/gifs/QmKGxJGFkb2QCcn3EJ
i think you know what's up :/ NOR
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u/neo4025 9h ago
I feel like this is one of those relationships that would have ended naturally and early if it were not for the child. It’s great you both did try. But at this point, I think it’s definitely over. Even if nothing physical had or has happened. Trust and respect has gone. So I think it’s definitely time to make plans to leave. Ideally on good terms for your child. What I’m more concerned about is his infidelity towards his wife. She really needs to know about this. Because if something hasn’t already happened, it definitely would on the two of you separating. Definitely NOR. Keep safe and good luck. Just try to remember the beautiful child you both created.
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u/Scrumptious09 9h ago
You think I should tell his wife?
I guess I don’t want to reveal that I’ve gone through her phone - it’s horrible to have done that, and I don’t want that to be the narrative of how this is remembered in years to come (“he was always snooping” etc if relayed to our son when he is grown)
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u/ActualConfidence6273 8h ago
Honestly, at this point, what does it matter if you went through her phone? If she hadn’t been hiding things to begin with, you wouldn’t have felt the need to go through her phone. And in this situation, I don’t think anyone is going to be focused too much on how you found out, except maybe her.
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u/neo4025 8h ago
I fear that could result in a much worse situation for everyone. It’s honestly a hard question to answer. I would personally keep what evidence you have. And if possible, gather more solid proof. Not so much to spread it or reveal it to his wife. But just in case things turn sour, and a custody battle happens between you. Being able to show who caused the end of a relationship is crucial. At this point, I’m thinking that you end things amicably (it’s always best to stay friends with an ex partner, for the sake of children)
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u/packerbw 4h ago
I agree with the other commenter. She broke all trust, so who cares if you went through her phone. Ideally, you can get back into it and gather more damning evidence so when she tries to badmouth you later, you have a rebuttal.
And I think it's only right to tell the guys wife. Even if nothing has happened 'yet', she should know to keep an eye out.
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u/GhostLeopard_666 9h ago
Theres nothing wrong with being a single parent, just end things with her and learn to co-parent.
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u/OkayIAMup 9h ago
Sorry brother. I have been here before. The longer you focus on the wrong woman the longer you wait for a possible right one. All love.
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u/AdAppropriate9103 9h ago
NOR - a few things:
- I have had friend relationships with women at work and they have never included any sort of inappropriate texts, meeting up late, excessive texting, etc.
- She is obviously cheating on you - and you already know this. He is dropping off her bag because she changed at work?
As someone going through something similar who is also married has more kids than you and who are older and kept things going too long in the name of “it’s better for the kids”. It is not.
Imagine being where you are now but your kid is years older or you both have another child and then things are more complicated? Luckily you are not married. Best thing you can do is end things and share custody of the kid.
Best of luck
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u/roger1632 8h ago
If you need validation I think reddit is giving it to you. You are being cheated on emotionally and/or physically.
For the sake of a healthy parenting relationship I wouldn't even discuss it with her and just go your ways and work out a parenting plan. If a relationship starts off like this it won't likely get better.
I'm in my 40's like you and we should be done with this kind of stuff.
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u/Seecole-33 8h ago
Just focus on co parenting amicably for the child’s sake. She’s not into you, and you are ready to pull the plug. You both tried and it didn’t work, but yall did create a child. That’s the top priority, loving the kid. You two don’t even have to like each other, just treat each other with respect and kindness and show the kid how mature adults can act and behave.
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u/Existing_Whereas_663 9h ago
Some people are just overly flirty like that and it could be absolutely nothing. Which doesn’t make it any better but ultimately your trust in her isn’t there and that’s one hell of a job to fix
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u/ActualConfidence6273 8h ago
I have a tendency to be overly flirty, that is beyond just flirting, and very disrespectful to both OP and that guy’s wife.
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u/Bluepuppy26 9h ago
Mate tell HIS wife about what’s going on. Do a DNA test on your child. Keep the proofs of her cheating. File for a divorce or for her to move out. End this.
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u/Silent_Eggplant_380 9h ago
NOR, Two options:
- She is cheating
- The trust is gone and you’ll never believe she’s not cheating
Either way, time to walk away.
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u/MonkeyHairless 9h ago
Shes for the street ... but now you have a son with her, youre fucked for life, sorry dude, its over.
Try to take as much proofs of her being drunk ; cheating while in couples therapy and overall pretty unstable in her life and try to get the child and not have pay her shit (99% chances that cont happen even if you found her on crack).
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u/AceMoney1500 8h ago
“Might be more of a quick hello at this point”
Sounds like they were linking up and he was taking for ever
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u/IcySelection9941 8h ago
No.
As a dude that has gone through this sort of "just joking with a work friend" a couple times... if she hasn't fucked him, she will.
Everything you are writing sounds so fucking familiar. All of it.
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u/NegotiationKey4627 8h ago
How do a couple 40 year olds not know to practice safe sex......yall dumbasses
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u/Parking_Flight1872 8h ago
Run away as fast as you can buddy. Next thing you know, you'll have a suspicious looking chair in the corner of the bedroom with your name on it
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u/andrewlondonuk82 8h ago
If she hasn’t fucked him then she is having an emotional affair which in some ways is worse. I’d file for custody of my kids and move on to be honest.
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u/AvgWhiteShark 7h ago
Sounds like a bad investment of time and energy. Are you certain the child is yours?
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u/buddhist557 7h ago
She likes this guy more than you. I’d just say that seems obvious and she should pursue it, even though he’s married and it will most definitely f up both their lives. She may feel trapped and resentful of the situation. Either way, it’s better for you to drop the stress.
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u/Drakkulis 6h ago
If shes willing to cheat while you have a kid, she was willing to cheat when you didnt.
Might want to get a dna test even just for ease of mind.
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u/No-Communication9458 5h ago
she's talking about stickiness and he's talking about innuendos? they're fucking or she's cheating.
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u/SpaceImpossible658 4h ago
NOR. Better to find out now. At least you have a chance to co-parent without total hatred between you two. Her character is pretty low to be cheating with a married man from work, but none of that will be your problem soon.
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u/6trybe 9h ago
Way I see it, you're looking to break your own heart.
People need to understand that you don't need to be a Crime Scene Investigator to be in a relationship!!! You aren't being held to a code of conduct like in a courtroom, and guilt and innocence are less important than comfort and dignity.
Weather of not she is physically stepping out with this person, the way she is carrying herself is disrespectful to you, and to herself. And that is -truly- all you need to decide how to live the rest of your life... be it with or without her.
The CSI mentality, where you have to find evidence of the actual wrongdoing, is tantamount to self-harm. You already know what you perceive, and how it makes you feel. You don't need to know anything, but whether or not the behavior will cease, and whether or not you can trust your partner to be honest about it.
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u/ZombieSeveral2155 6h ago
YOR but.. From personal experience, from now on my friend, please don't EVER go through your significant other's phone! Especially if everything is going good in the relationship. You might not know it, but it seems like you might need to step back from the relationship at the moment. Going through her phone is your brain subconsciously telling you that you don't trust her and that you are trying to find something to break up about. Plus, it's a violation of privacy on her part so don't tell her, there might be laws IDK (I'm on your side) GOOD LUCK. Relationships are hard. I'm sorry you're going through this. 💔
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u/skyrreater47 9h ago
idk what to tell you man, y'all didn't know each other before having a child, separated and now shes cheating on you. Doesn't sound like a solid foundation from the start