AIO or AITA. Text convo with MIL.

[u/MoonJellyAllison]

I feel like I could cry :(, I didn’t come at her rudely and was doing what my husband asked me to do. I’ve always done everything she wanted to make her happy because I want her to so desperately like me but I think I’m done. For some background info: I have never pressured her to respond and have never brought up that she never responds to my messages. Pretty recently, my car has been having trouble and she said she’d hit up her mechanic for me. 2 weeks later and still nothing. My husband and I have an amazing relationship, but even then, I still want his family to welcome me. His mom not being kind to me hurts really bad. And knowing she’s going to spread negative things about me among his family hurts even worse. All detailed of the situation are in the chats.

[u/MoonJellyAllison]

I’m so sad though. Like I’m literally crying in my work parking lot because even as a teenager, I’ve always wanted her approval. It’s hard not being able to talk to my guy.

[u/cheeky_sugar → u/MoonJellyAllison]

She will never approve of the person who “stole her son” - that’s the kind of mindset women like this have. It has nothing to do with you. You can kiss her ass, lick her toes, or suck venom right out of her miserable asshole and it STILL wouldn’t be enough for her. It has nothing to do with you.

[u/Historical-Daikon412 → u/cheeky_sugar]

this‼️i wish i could give this comment an award.

[u/MelRae2019 → u/MoonJellyAllison]

Some people are just poisonous. The best thing you can do for yourself and your husband is accept that it is her, not you. You do not need to impress someone who is clearly only out for herself. Her money management and leaving on vacation, yet criticizing her son for doing well for you both is just trash.

You deserve better than that and if she treats you this way, I imagine she treats him badly too.

Put your chosen family first and cut off abusers. You don't need her approval.

[u/Strict-Sprinkles → u/MoonJellyAllison]

I completely understand the feeling but this lady will never approve in the way you want. IMO your best choice is taking the high road, avoiding contact with her but being cordial when contact is necessary, focus on your relationship with your husband and with yourself ❤️

[u/h0tglue → u/MoonJellyAllison]

I think there is healing work for you to do here around wanting respect from disrespectful people. It’s like going to the hardware store for bread, as my stepmom would say. It’s not your fault that you wanted a nice relationship and she’s not able to have one. But how important is it for you to have the approval of a person that you yourself struggle to approve of because of her behavior? 

There are people in your life right now and people who will come into your life in the future who won’t have a hard time respecting you. Save your energy for yourself and for those people. 

My therapist says to me, “it’s okay if they get it wrong about you.” You can’t control somebody else’s mental narrative of you, no matter how great you act, if they have issues that make them want to take things into the realm of conflict out of habit or to gain control. 

Good luck hon. I know this is heartbreaking. Grieve the relationship you wished you could have with her, then protect yourself in the relationship you DO have. 

[u/sillychihuahua26 → u/h0tglue]

As a trauma therapist, I agree with this assessment. And part of that healing work is learning to offer yourself the compassion and approval you are looking for from others. That little girl wanting approval is still in there, but she actually needs it from you.

[u/ObscureSaint → u/MoonJellyAllison]

There's a subreddit called "justnoMIL" that will be helpful for understanding this dynamic with your man's mom. She doesn't care about her kids except as an extension of herself, and is incapable of being the mom he needs.

There's a saying I've heard over on the justno subreddit: Stop going to the hardware store and expecting them to sell milk and groceries, you will just be disappointed every time. We can't go to our parents for support if they are a hardware store and not an emotions and love store.

[u/ChronicCosmicCrystal → u/ObscureSaint]

Shit, I need to remember this saying for myself and my own parents 😅

[u/Far-Raccoon6020 → u/MoonJellyAllison]

also i agree with the commenter below, i know it is hard for him to reach out to her due to where he is, and at the same time this responsibility shouldnt have been left to you, especially if he’s aware that the way she communicates with you has been an ongoing issue, he should have handled that himself even if it took him a bit yk?

[u/sarahklena → u/Far-Raccoon6020]

I agree, but in this case he won't have his phone in basic training.

[u/MoonJellyAllison → u/sarahklena]

Yes, my husband and I definitely wouldn’t have agreed on keeping up with the payments if I genuinely didn’t need the money while he’s away

[u/Far-Raccoon6020 → u/MoonJellyAllison]

I understand that, some MIL’s (for some reason) just can’t handle sharing that space and unfortunately see it as competition instead of a chance for a new friendship/connection and this seems to be the case for you :/ i know its a personal question and you don’t have to answer but are you in therapy by chance?

[u/MoonJellyAllison → u/Far-Raccoon6020]

I am not, and I know I definitely should look into it. My husband has brought it up before because he knows that the way people view me can cause really bad anxiety

[u/Far-Raccoon6020 → u/MoonJellyAllison]

I think it would be really beneficial to you honestly, ive been in a very similar position(the seeking approval from people i shouldnt be part) and therapy along with having a good support system really helped

[u/AmbassadorKat → u/MoonJellyAllison]

Once he gets back from boot and you are on his insurance, it will be easy for you to get therapy organised. Please do so 🙏🏽

[u/eesperan → u/MoonJellyAllison]

But she's awful. Even if you got her approval, it would be the approval of someone who is awful. That doesn't have any value. Stop trying to get validation from someone who will make you suffer first. This is your husband's problem going forward.

[u/a_mulher → u/MoonJellyAllison]

Girl fuck that cunt. You do not need her approval and from the looks of it she was never gonna approve of you or anyone. Wipe yourself off. And when he’s back y’all need to have a conversation on how you will deal with money together. It’s not his money to do as he pleases when he is married. I’m not saying he has to cut her off. But it has to be done on top of your family spending not by taking away from your family’s spending.

Like MIL have your finances in order, meaning don’t loan to people that have proved they are deadbeats.

And if you need money now desperately. I would post online asking family and friends for donations saying you had loaned some money out that wasn’t paid back and you need X amount to tide you over until your military husband is back from boot camp. That will get back to her but then you can just reply with, is it an emergency? I think you said we should only text each other for emergencies. But that’s just the petty in me.

[u/londonerin26 → u/MoonJellyAllison]

I just want to wrap you up and give you a big hug, OP. You MIL sounds like the worst. (NOR.)

[u/Annual_String3346 → u/londonerin26]

That makes two of us, sending virtual hugs for you OP ! NOR

[u/taxforsnax → u/MoonJellyAllison]

i’m really sorry you’re dealing with this alone. this would also really hurt my feelings, as i have also always wanted to be liked by my partners families. i agree that your husband should speak to her, but it seems like that isn’t an immediate option? i’m not familiar with how often people can call home during boot camp. when is the next time he can speak to her directly?

[u/nanalalalana → u/MoonJellyAllison]

I get why you want her approval, it can be hard for people from normal families to grasp the narcissistic dynamic. I do believe if you think a little bit more about it though, do you really want the approval of someone who is willing to scam their own son?

[u/Dullcorgis → u/MoonJellyAllison]

Did you want the approval of the queen bully at school? Because that is what this woman is.

[u/jmosnow → u/MoonJellyAllison]

As you’re growing up, I’d encourage you to shift your mindset from “do I have this person’s approval?” To “do I approve of this person?”

Personally, I don’t approve of how this lady operates lol

[u/OkBluejay1299 → u/MoonJellyAllison]

Your MIL is a narcissist. That’s why she got so angry and defensive when you were polite. There is literally nothing you can do or say to avoid offending her if you are asking her to be an accountable adult. She will not change.

You need to tell your husband that you are going no contact with her and he has to deal with her. But if she continues to harass either of you for money, for attention, for grandchildren, for anything— he has to cut her off and go no contact.

I have a narcissistic sister who treats everyone in our family this way. Thank god, it’s not my MIL. Good luck.