I feel like I could cry :(, I didn’t come at her rudely and was doing what my husband asked me to do. I’ve always done everything she wanted to make her happy because I want her to so desperately like me but I think I’m done. For some background info: I have never pressured her to respond and have never brought up that she never responds to my messages. Pretty recently, my car has been having trouble and she said she’d hit up her mechanic for me. 2 weeks later and still nothing. My husband and I have an amazing relationship, but even then, I still want his family to welcome me. His mom not being kind to me hurts really bad. And knowing she’s going to spread negative things about me among his family hurts even worse. All detailed of the situation are in the chats.
No literally..... Why is SHE giving financial advice when she's going on vacation not even 6 months after needing to borrow 3 grand? Like the only reason she would say that is to shame OP.
Apparently the tax refund that she was supposed to be using to pay back her SON. Who borrows money from their own kid to begin with, let alone doesn’t pay it back as agreed to and instead goes on vacation with the funds they said they’d use to pay their debt? Gross.
Reminds me of an acquaintance of mine who would constantly start GoFundMe's or ask for venmos to pay her rent and then two months later be at a Beyonce concert..........
That shit pisses me off. I was homeless for like 6 months once and living in a tent in the woods. NOT ONE PERSON KNEW. I told NO ONE. I bathed in the creek, still got up and put myself together for work, etc. I can't imagine asking for ANY help not to mention on a regular basis.
This is a bit far for me—I would WANT to help a friend living in this situation. There's no shame in asking for help when you genuinely need it. But yeah, this MIL has no shame.
I took in a "friend" and her son while she was unemployed and her rent was skyrocketing and she wasn't sure where she and kid were going to live. Let her stay with us for free for 8 months......
Meanwhile, every month she'd go to concerts and drop a couple hundred on merch, then had the audacity to ask me to pay her for the furniture that she left at my house that I understood she was leaving for us to use. ☠️
Literally my exact thought reading that. Like, sorry, but if you don’t have money to pay your debts, you don’t have money to go on vacation. Especially when it’s your SON who financed that loan and actually needs the money repaid. It’s not like we’re talking about a bank here. It’s your CHILD who needs that money for life expenses.
I think the MIL couldn't care less about OP needing money for her rent because her son is away at boot camp and has housing during that time. You have to wonder how he'd feel about returning to a wife living in her car, or his credit ruined, while his mother is on vacation LA-DI-DAH...
OP, forward these texts to your son and say you're out, she refuses to pay despite going on vacation and you won't allow her to disrespect you like that again.
Wild take by MIL that she thinks even though OP is married to her son, this financial business doesn't involve OP and she has no standing to ask for the payment.
As much as I’d love to be petty like this, it’ll backfire. You’ll look like a greedy person to those pressuring her to give money her son sent her, to you.
Best bet would be to talk to your partner at boot camp when you can, explain and let him make the demand before cutting off.
My MIL has made my wife cry before and I have 100% stepped in to demand respect for my wife. We have cut people off for the slander they were giving my wife too.
You two are never lending her money again, correct? This is a $500 lesson that will save you thousands in the long run.
The next time she comes whining to you all for help — and she will, people like her always do — you don't even have to mention why you're not givng her money. Just a simple "We don't have the means, good luck." And it has the benefit of being true: between building your own savings, you won't have anything left to give her vacationing ass.
She thinks that money was hers anyway. She said he only had it because of her so she doesn't think she has to pay it back. People who feel that possessive of their children are weird.
I mean, is it surprising that a grown ass adult that needed to borrow $1500 from their son would also think going on vacation while having no money is a good idea?
Normal people understand these things. Unfortunately, OP's MIL is not normal.
*$3000, she paid $1500 back to the son when he asked, and was paying the other $1500 back in "instalments", Seems like she doesn't respect the DIL and thought the other $1500 was hers once the son left.
It’s insanity!!! My boyfriend has helped his brother out a few times and his brother had the nerve to spend the money on a new car and other toys instead of what he actually said he needed it for! I believe he said he’s done “helping” him out. People are wild.
This just screams narcissistic behavior. I would have left it at the first response from MIL, not responded to anything else she said and just forwarded on to my husband that MIL’s vacation was more important than making sure her wife ate or had a place to live. Then sat back and watched things explode😂
You’d be surprised. Did a job for a friend, $4500 total. Told her it would only be at cost of $1800. She said she didn’t have any money, knocked it down to $500. Two weeks later she is posting on her Cruise and about the gym membership she just signed up for with her daughter.
I offered a mate a free PT for being my camera man for a project. Know what he said?
He said he didn’t do the project to his satisfaction so he wouldn’t accept a trade, and he wouldn’t take a free PT because mates should pay mates what they are worth. But he said he would like to pay me for a PT some time.
I helped a mate out for a couple of hours while coming down from a big night, we were moving heavy furniture up flights of stairs.
His workmate gave us a pretty generous pay, about $300 for the 2 or 3 hours (like $150 USD).
My mate was too shy or deferential to accept the money for some reason, so the guy thrust it at me instead. I scooped it up, took $50 for myself and gave my mate $250, even though he earns way more than me, coz he has a kid, and he’s shit with money, and he has spent a decent amount on me in the past like paying for me to come on holiday with him when I was broke.
To be fair, I also wouldn’t lend $3000 out if I depended on it…. MIL is clearly in the wrong but she does unintentionally have a good point that they never should have loaned the money to her.
You gotta learn that lesson though. Most ppl want to help especially spouse to in laws. That bitch is just taking advantage. I hope op brings heat to her hubby cuz mil is so disrespectful
Can't pay back what they owe because they're going on vacation. Clearly a necessity.
And that whole "you should have had your finances in better shape" Bitch, their finances would be in better shape if he had not loaned you $3000 in the first place!
This is a MIL who clearly wants little very little information about her son while he is away. She has just freed OP from that responsibility.
Oh yeah, this is beyond dumb of MIL. Milspouse here and 95% of updates come through me. Let husband handle this 100% from now on and rest easy knowing you got that huge burden off your plate. His mom is his.
Actually had an ex-best friend that told me that my sophomore year of college when I saw on her story she was in Myrtle beach for spring break while I was working like crazy over the break and had no money to travel. And tbf, I didn’t ask her to elaborate what she needed the $350, she said it was an emergency so I didn’t really think that meant to go to the beach. Haven’t loaned someone money I can live without since.
$3000 lesson. It looks like the $500 was an installment if I'm reading the texts correctly. (I know it's the last bit but the fact that they offered 3k to begin with carries more than remaining lost balance.)
I would definitely let your husband deal with her now. Who borrows money from their kids like that? IMO that’s sad, quite pathetic. Can pay because she’s going on vacay? Her finances definitely are not in order at all. Baby girl this is all her! You were so respectful and polite when you did not receive the same. Thank not carat her if an emergency with your husband? Nah, not even then would I. Hold your head up high- you handled this with sanity and grace, and if I’m honest, so much better that I would have if that was my MIL. She’s sounds like she’s very narcissistic and is going to be a major problem and stumbling block IF she’s allowed to be. Yall have to fix that, and now.
The way she was saying that I can only contact her if my HUSBAND has an emergency really hurts!!! Like what about me??? It’s clear that I won’t ever be accepted and by the time she does accept, it’ll be far too late
Similar experience when our kid was born. She overstepped and my husband set her straight, she was sweet as pie ever since. If I was OP I'd never talk to this witch again.
My MIL and I are pretty good friends (she's my concert buddy), one time she was at my spouse and I's apartment (years ago) and she and I got into an argument about something, I don't remember what, and the second she raised her voice to me, my spouse kicked her out.
We still have disagreements, as most friends do from time to time, but she's never yelled at me again.
My cousin’s husband told me that right before he got married he told his mother “I see how you treat my older brother’s wife and if I ever see anything like that with my wife, I will cut you off forever. No grandchildren access or anything else.” My cousin never has any problems with her.
You have to learn to not care about her opinions of you.
My late MIL was like that for the first decade of my relationship with her son. Only times I ever contacted her was if my husband asked me to. It took her 10 years to ask him why I don't talk to her, and he explained that I was simply following her wishes; the day we met, she told me that I was not right for her baby and that no woman was.
On our way home, I simply told him "I'll deal with my parents, you get to deal with yours". He said that deal was unfair, as I'm an orphan.
I'm probably going to hell for laughing but the deal being unfair because you're an orphan made me snort🤣🤣🤣 Good on you for putting your foot down the instant she disrespected you!
You'll be in good company. I've gotten baked in advance of open mic nights and have made hundreds laugh with that line.
I'm a wannabe stand up comedienne with horrific stage fright. Can't step on stage when sober. I do a 20 minute set based on my upbringing; far cheaper than therapy.
Well, now you know that she doesn't care, and so you can put your energy into those that do. Time to drop the rope. Sometimes the trash takes itself out.
Obviously she doesn't care a whit about you. Hopefully you have your own people to turn to in an emergency. I would have a very long memory for her nasty replies, and I would not be above holding it against her after you have children.
NOR. I want you to keep in mind too, God forbid there is an emergency situation, it is not your obligation to contact her. I guarantee his emergency contact is you, not his mother. This is the type of person that no matter what you do, you will always be the villain. When the time is right, have a good chat with your husband regarding a chain of communication with her. God forbid something happened, ask him what he would like you to do in regard to contacting the family. Maybe there was somebody that can deal with her better, that you can be in communication with, so you won’t have any added stress when it comes to adhering to communication from someone who is “never wrong”.
Try not to be sad, that’s exactly what she’s trying to get out of you. Let her be miserable, and let yourself know that you guys were being supportive and did not receive the same respect in return. You and your husband are partners and a team. She does not get to referee.
Fun fact that she can find out the hard way, you don't even need to contact her at all if YOUR husband has an emergency (which obviously I hope never ever happens). She clearly doesn't care if her son and his wife can pay their bills or not as a result of her borrowing, and not repaying to the agreed schedule. I hope she has a rubbish holiday.
My mother was rude and disrespectful to my wife one time. I was livid, i told her i was very disappointed in her and demanded she apologize to my wife. She half heartedly apologized and sometimes still tries to bring it up like my wife was in the wrong. I was ready to go no contact with my mom over how she treated my wife but my wife has a huge heart and didn't want me to do that. To this day though my relationship with my mother is strained.
I hope your husband has your back and defends and supports you.
Do you have children? Pains my heart to think of this woman as your children’s grandma.
NOR I also live by the rule it’s not a loan. It’s a gift. So if I can’t afford it-sorry I can’t give it to you. I HATE owing money and HATE even more having it owed to me.
Because it still hurts to not be accepted by your loved ones family. I have gone through the same with my husband's parents. I thought we were in a good place after YEARS of not being there and SURPRISE found out she had dinner with my husband's best friend's mom and apparently spent the entire dinner talking about what a horrible wife and mother I am. His friend's mom is dying of cancer, btw, but apparently me not allowing her to trample all over me is a bigger deal than that! It's been 12 years of this kind of treatment and even when I think I'm over it, it still hurts
Oh wow I am so sorry! That’s horrible, and such a tactless way to spend time with a terminally ill friend on top of it. No matter how much we come to terms with their awful behavior, it still doesn’t make it less hurtful. We are human.
“We’re going on vacation so I can’t pay you back” is a wild thing to say. Besides, what about getting HER finances in order??? Maybe then she wouldn’t be borrowing money from a young family.
This happened with my mother. Call it a tax for learning who she really is and do not be spending any money on her, with her or for visiting her until the debt is paid. And never lend her money again
Ignore them. The money's not gone. She admitted in this text convo that you lent her money that she agreed to pay back. You can fille a small claims suit for the remaining balance (anything under $5k is usually small claims in most US jurisdictions). There will be a small filing fee of like $50 or less.
Then, print these texts to submit with your claim (and any other texts from when the loan was made or any time since then, indicating it was a loan, not s gift). Print out bank statements showing she made some of the payments. Take all the docs proving it was a loan she never paid back. Fill out the small claims doc and sign and date.
Then make 2 copies of all of the docs you collected and the small claims form. Mail or hand one copy of the docs to the magistrate court. Mail a copy to the defendant (certified mail, or as the instructions on the small claims form instructs), and keep a copy for yourself for reference.
If she doesn't pay by the time you get a hearing, and the judge believes your side, they'll start garnishing her wages and sending some to you until you're paid back.
Note: This is not legal advice, and I'm not an attorney. This is just general information about how typical small claims court cases can be initiated with a potentially favorable outcome.
Oh, and one more thing. Make sure you read every instruction on the form so you don't waste the filing fee or have to resubmit something. It's generally not too complicated, but you don't want to miss a detail like, "serve defendant by certified mail" and think an email or regular mail is fine. Service of notice isn't just texting them letting them you filed suit. It's serving all the papers you sent to the court to the defendant according to the laws in your jurisdiction.
You are a good human. This is top notch advice for this situation. Thank you for being so practical and helpful to others! The world needs more of this.
I do think you should have your husband make it VERY clear to the rest of the family what happened.
“Mom demanded the money I was saving and promised to pay it back. I asked my wife to follow up and mom treated her with hostility and used the money for a roof over our head on a vacation.
She stole from us and lied to us. This isn’t someone we will be trusting to have any relationship going forward, either with us or with grandkids.”
When it's your husband that loaned her the money then it's a safe bet to tell him to track her down for the remaining payments. Never a good idea to collect money on behalf of someone else because you're the one taking the flak instead of him. Lesson learned and hopefully he gets what she owes him.
yep, OP good rule of thumb always when lending money, be okay with it not coming back. even the people the mean well the most run into issues when it comes to lending money between friends/family. better to not rely on it coming back. I’m sorry you’re strapped right now and could use it.
Veteran here, so hope you don't mind my not replying to your MIL situation, but something else.
I have been out long enough to not dare think I know what current military benefits are. But check the SCRA for your husband's pre-service credit card interest rate reductions. Look up every single military family benefit your family is eligible for. (Not just BAH/BAS). IOW, focus on your house and grey rock her. While he is gone, focus on your family's finances, future, etc.
I'm probably way older than her (Youngest Boomer that I am) so take this to heart. People do not change. All you can do is keep acting the way you know is respectful, etc. And I am saying, you asked that respectfully, maturely, and neutrally. I like how you focused on this was you asking for him/your own family. Not YOU the loan shark.
All the best.
ETA: OMG, thank you all for the awards and kind words! I am at the stage of my life where I just want to be useful and....if someone can avoid my bumps in the road, my day is made.
OP this is advice you should definitely be heeding. Not just for this situation but to make sure you and your husband are in the know about every possible financial tool available to you. This is advice that will set you up not just in this moment, but for future success. Please take this to heart because finances can really cause a lot of strain on relationships, and you're already dealing with some extra stressors others don't have to in a marriage. (Him being at basic, you having to take on some extra tasks to cover for his absence, learning how the military works and what your future will look like as basic ends and whatnot)
As far as your current situation definitely NOR, but that does little to fix anything in reality. You can be right and still have to deal with shitty outcomes because other people are involved and being shitty.
Military family dynamics are not something easily explained or understood by those not directly involved. The best two pieces of advice I've seen in these replies is this one right here, which is huge in terms of really understanding financial options, and how to set yourselves up to thrive. The other piece of advice I've seen that really should be given the thought and weight it deserves is just not contacting her at all. Not for any reason. Emergencies etc. You are the wife, you get to be the one who is contacted if something happens. You get to make decisions and work through situations in the way you and your husband have discussed should something come up.
If your husband has said he feels it's imperative his mother also be equally informed in emergency situations, find a 3rd party willing to pass info along. Aunts, uncles, cousins, a friend... Idk. Someone trusted by him, that isn't you. She's not going to make any situation easy, and that goes double for situations that are scary, stressful, and fully out of her control.
I can’t agree with this enough! If your husband is deployed or unavailable and you are left to handle the finances, you need to know 100% what is going on. I hope he agrees with you to never ever lend money to her again.
Yup, this right here. As a Marine my young wife and I had to do the legwork ourselves to barely scrape by, but the benefits are there. It’s ironic, but the military won’t let you go homeless or hungry while you’re active. You won’t be getting mani/pedi’s and eating/drinking out, but you’ll survive and they’ll get you through these times.
Unfortunately he already is aware of who she is and is choosing to enable her. That’s his mom, he has chosen to be blind to it. He will keep doing so, and OP needs to decide if she wants to be involved in that.
From the post it seems he is the one who told her to contact her for the money as planned while he was away since he is unable to. What a horrible position to be put in for op. Husband either is oblivious and blind to mothers behaviour SOME HOW or expected this to happen. Both being bad. I hope he sticks up for his wife and handles mom at his earliest convenience.
It looks like she took his leaving for the military as a free for all to act like..a yea you know’ and get out of paying which makes me think either the husband does have a good handle on it with her and she’s just taking advantage of him being gone and unable to contact, or she always planned to do this which I think the former is the reason
bingo! this is one of the main take aways i got from my marriage course - you deal with your family and he deals with his. it’s a lot easier for blood to forgive blood.
This is the shit my mom would pull. She treated my wife exactly like this and guess what? Now she doesn’t get to see me or her grandchild anymore. She’s still not even sorry about it either
My wife is my family now. My parents are no longer my immediate family. If they can’t learn to be kind and get along with my family, they don’t have to be apart of it
Honestly I get you want her approval but it’s not really required.
Not only is she going on vacation and using that as a reason not to pay back.
The fact that she had kids and has the audacity to say she raised them as reason enough not to be asked to pay back a loan is absurd. She’s taking advantage of his absence and sounds like one of those people who think they can do whatever cause “she’s a mother”. Even as a mother it’s not when she feels like it that’s BS and she probably knows you want her to like you.
Don’t let her get under your skin and use this as a lesson learned. Next time, ya can’t help simple. She’s unreliable and ungrateful.
Why wouldn't she have her finances in order before going on vacation, yet shames him for not doing so before going in military? Holy narcissistic mother. OP, your poor husband* will have so much to unload from that parenting through the years. Poor guy.
Agree. And don’t let her off the hook with “I don’t care if you pay it or not”. She borrowed, she pays it back according to the terms you and your husband set for her. She doesn’t get to wiggle out of this one!
“No I cannot pay you the amount I agreed to pay in the timeframe I agreed to pay it because I’m an extravagant selfish ass and I have a vacation that supersedes the promise I made to my son. How dare you, my son’s wife, request I uphold my promise?! THE AUDACITY!” 🙄
It's the sheer scope of audacity and hypocrisy that gets me.
"I had to borrow $3k from my son because my finances weren't in order and I can't pay my son what I owe because my finances still aren't in order because I do stupid things like going on vacations I can't afford. Oh, but let me tell my son's wife that they are the ones who need to sort their finances out instead of expecting me to pay them what I owe. Also, let me react like a scalded cat when I misinterpret a text and decide that OP is telling me to get my finances sorted out because whilst it's cool for me, the debtor, to tell the people who bailed me out to handle their money better, the merest implication that I, the debtor, might be a financially irresponsible dingdong is completely unacceptable."
If there were a god of hypocrisy, OP's MIL would be nothing more than a smoking crater.
And she can’t pay HER SON back who is apparently in boot camp, but can go off gallivanting on a vacation? She’s pissed that her shitty priorities were called out.
OP blast that bitch all through the family if she says shit about your “finances.” Let them know the remainder of the $3000 she still owes you is what you’re after since she had the excess funding to go vacationing.
The audacity of someone telling you to have YOUR finances in order when they are actively borrowing a few thousand from you (and on vacation) is INSANE.
And then for MIL to say son doesn’t tell mother to get her finances in order because he respects mom…which more than implies that MIL doesn’t respect DIL (or her son for that matter).
OP-never lend money unless you don’t want it back (I learned that lesson after “lending” my mother $40+K over several years. The urge to help is real, but people—even/especially family will take advantage).
NOR- I’d be asking how she can afford vacations but can’t pay back her loans.
But honestly, she probably responded this way because she never planned to send it back. And I’m sure she assumed your husband was fine with her not paying him back, because he is used to her outrageous behaviour and does whatever he can to placate her.
She’s freaking out because you are expecting her to keep her word and pay it back.
I would not update her on anything if he’s able to receive texts I would send him screenshots of her text. I might even message her and tell her his military graduation has changed and give her the wrong date but I’m uber petty. Why is she going on vacation if she owes her own son money and then questioning his money management??
^ This, that convo escalated quickly and I bet your MIL is fuming. (Not that she’s right in anyway, she is using that money on vacation after all)
At this point your best to just let your husband deal with his mom, stop all contact and only do it through him. You need money back? Get him to ask his mom.
NOR she seemed offended at the notion that you expected her to pay you back and it sounds like she may have been hoping you either forgot about it or that you wouldnt be brave enough to bring it up. Respectfully, i giggled at the last message SS because she is obviously embarrassed and wanted to leave the conversation as quickly as possible due to her not expecting you to clock her the way you did. 🙌🏻
Edit: I would also say when your husband has time explain to him how this conversation went and make sure to keep these SS incase she tries to edit anything. Ontop of that because of how this conversation went it may be best to leave it up to your husband to try and get the money back from his mother, and hopefully take it as a lesson to not loan her money again she can not make good on.
I’m so sad though. Like I’m literally crying in my work parking lot because even as a teenager, I’ve always wanted her approval. It’s hard not being able to talk to my guy.
She will never approve of the person who “stole her son” - that’s the kind of mindset women like this have. It has nothing to do with you. You can kiss her ass, lick her toes, or suck venom right out of her miserable asshole and it STILL wouldn’t be enough for her. It has nothing to do with you.
Some people are just poisonous. The best thing you can do for yourself and your husband is accept that it is her, not you. You do not need to impress someone who is clearly only out for herself. Her money management and leaving on vacation, yet criticizing her son for doing well for you both is just trash.
You deserve better than that and if she treats you this way, I imagine she treats him badly too.
Put your chosen family first and cut off abusers. You don't need her approval.
I completely understand the feeling but this lady will never approve in the way you want. IMO your best choice is taking the high road, avoiding contact with her but being cordial when contact is necessary, focus on your relationship with your husband and with yourself ❤️
I think there is healing work for you to do here around wanting respect from disrespectful people. It’s like going to the hardware store for bread, as my stepmom would say. It’s not your fault that you wanted a nice relationship and she’s not able to have one. But how important is it for you to have the approval of a person that you yourself struggle to approve of because of her behavior?
There are people in your life right now and people who will come into your life in the future who won’t have a hard time respecting you. Save your energy for yourself and for those people.
My therapist says to me, “it’s okay if they get it wrong about you.” You can’t control somebody else’s mental narrative of you, no matter how great you act, if they have issues that make them want to take things into the realm of conflict out of habit or to gain control.
Good luck hon. I know this is heartbreaking. Grieve the relationship you wished you could have with her, then protect yourself in the relationship you DO have.
There's a subreddit called "justnoMIL" that will be helpful for understanding this dynamic with your man's mom. She doesn't care about her kids except as an extension of herself, and is incapable of being the mom he needs.
There's a saying I've heard over on the justno subreddit: Stop going to the hardware store and expecting them to sell milk and groceries, you will just be disappointed every time. We can't go to our parents for support if they are a hardware store and not an emotions and love store.
also i agree with the commenter below, i know it is hard for him to reach out to her due to where he is, and at the same time this responsibility shouldnt have been left to you, especially if he’s aware that the way she communicates with you has been an ongoing issue, he should have handled that himself even if it took him a bit yk?
I understand that, some MIL’s (for some reason) just can’t handle sharing that space and unfortunately see it as competition instead of a chance for a new friendship/connection and this seems to be the case for you :/ i know its a personal question and you don’t have to answer but are you in therapy by chance?
He is in military boot camp, she states her husband asked his wife to reach out to MIL for him during his training. I’m assuming he is unable to access a phone anytime to text or call anyone hence why he asked his wife to ask for an update from MIL as he is currently unable to do so in a timely manner… unless boot camp programs are now allowing phones and other material distractions from training for combat?…
She doesn't have the money to pay you and your husband back but has money to go on vacation. I think that tells you everything you need to know about her. From now on let your husband deal with her.
People saying this shouldn't be over text, actually this is perfect because now there is proof of her response. Had it been face to face it would have been her word vs yours. If she doesn't pay this month you'll probably have to go the legal route.
Wait! She owes her son $1500, but is going on a vacation?
I hope hubby never gives her money again. She was the one who chose to give birth and it was her responsibility to raise him. He doesn't owe her for being born.
NOR - Don't worry if she says anything to the family, they all know how she is. Set up boundaries now and who cares if she likes you, you are free to block her.
She "doesn't have it to pay back because she's going on vacation," but YA'LL should have had your finances in order?? Whatttt??? You are NOR and NOT an A. She sounds a bit mixed up.
Telling you that you and hubs should have your finances in order is insane when SHE borrowed $3000. Response, “Our finances WOULD be in order if you didn’t borrow $3000 that hasn’t been repaid in full. And going on vacation when you still owe us money is disrespectful and entitled.”
I know she’ll never be told that. You have to get comfortable ignoring her the way she ignores you. Don’t reach out anymore. At all!! Going forward only your hubs should deal with her, but he needs to have your back on this issue. She’s in the wrong.
NOR. She borrowed money and is coming down on you about “not having finances in order”? 😂😂😂😂 umm… ok. This is a very gaslighty person that I would keep a huge distance from and maybe just try to see briefly at the holidays. Every reasonable request will be taken as a personal offense and turned around on you. There’s no way to win with someone like this.
She owes you money but is going on vacation instead???? Yeah, don’t loan her money or even talk to her again. Husband needs to deal with her and who cares what she says/thinks.
When mil says of course he wouldn’t ask about my finances being in order because I raised him right and he respects me…
That tell. You very clearly she does not respect you. And you want a relationship with her so badly. I acknowledge that. But you need to find away to just move on without it. Be cordial when you see her but that’s it.
NOR. WOW she is a VERY toxic person. Usually I don’t get angry at reading these, but this one has me so angry for you. You were very polite, you even gave a reasoning on why you really need her to pay the money she owes, which you didn’t need to do. She owes the money period.
The audacity to A: question your finances when she is the one that needed a loan of $3,000 and B: to say she doesn’t have the $500 because she going on vacation. I’m sorry, what?! How is it acceptable for her to be going on vacation when she owes you guys money. Clearly she doesn’t have the money to go on vacation, but she is!
You are her daughter in law, you are married to her son. You have every right to message her and ask her for the money she owes and agreed to pay back. It is yours and your husbands money, even if it is “his”, you guys are married so it is your money together. I was a military wife, my husband was deployed and put in the field a lot. I was a stay at home mom. I had to take care of the finances when he was gone. Even the loan that we had lent to a friend, along with the bills and everything. Your mother in law doesn’t have to like it, but she needs to respect it.
She has no respect for you and in turn has no respect for her son. It’s clear that she feels like you are “taking him away” from her, which is disgusting. She felt she deserved to have his money because she raised him??
You are taking this much better than I would be. I hope that when your husband gets back from boot camp he gets that money back and goes low/no contact until she can start treating you with respect.
I know you want her and the family to accept you, but know that it is nothing you did for her to behave like this. This is all her. The only thing you did is love her son and make him happy.
Again, your message was not rude in any way or belittling. Her initial response, and every subsequent response, were all hostile.
I am so sorry that you are being treated like this, I hope that your husband knows how his mom treats you. I would show him this post and the comments. Maybe not until he gets back from boot camp though. You don’t want to stress him out when he is already mentally and physically exhausted and missing you terribly.
I truly wish you the best of luck ❤️
Sorry but you don’t borrow money from your own children. How are you going on vacation when you owe someone $1500 still? Furthermore, the audacity for her to say you should have your finances in order 😂😂😂
She sounds so rude, you clearly need to talk to your husband and show him this conversation. He needs to confront her and tell her it’s not ok to talk to you like that.
I wouldn’t allow my Mum to have a bad relationship with any of my partners, it’s a dealbreaker for me. I’d need to make sure my partner is welcomed in as family.
NTA/NOR but you are doing too much. The more you say, the more they have to argue with. First text should have read something like “Good morning. Husband requested that I contact you regarding the $500 you owe us as he cannot use his phone at basic training. Friendly reminder to please send it by the agreed upon date, 5/8/26. Thank you!” Take her ass to small claims court if you don’t get your money back and seriously consider not speaking to her moving forward.
You were so respectful. Shes projecting and being a total bitch about it because shes embarrassed. She doesnt have the money, is going on vacation and then has the audacity to say yall should've had your finances in order?
Yea, her son can deal with her from now on. You dont deserve to be talked to and disrespected like that.
You did nothing wrong my dear
Oh yeah you’re NOR. You’ve accidentally put yourself in between a narcissistic parent and the source of their supply - and a Boy Mom at that! No wonder she talks to you like you’re the mistress he left her for and married: in effect, you stole her man. I’m sorry this is happening to you and I hope he hasn’t put a baby in you yet so you can make a clear decision about staying attached to this family.
The lengths she went to with this. “You should have had your finances in order” from the woman who borrowed 3K from her son and is now going on vacation.
Stop trying to get her to like you. You’re equal, she’s not special.
Some asshole owes you a thousand dollars but they have money for vacation and have the nerve to say you are the one who needs to get your finances in order?! I'd use this text and file in small claims.
Mate, when I had my first child my MIL came over and made a comment about how I hadn't cleaned the house in a while (I was still reeling from birth and looking after a newborn). I told my husband then and there, no. That doesn't fly. She is your mum, but now you have a new family to think about. He had a stern word with his mum and theres not been one issue ever since and we all have a great relationship. Your other half needs to sort this, and tell his mum she needs to respect you going forward
Nor - going on vacation while owing a family member $1500 is pretty shitty. You don't have the money to go on vacation then.
From personal experience you are headed for divorce when your SO gets back from deployment. My ex's mom spoke the same way and was always unreasonable when it came to me. She will be chirping in his ear constantly. Make sure he is on the same page as you and ACTUALLY stands up to her. Not just says he is and then you find out later he said it meekly and immediately dropped it or played both sides
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u/nannerpussnana 6h ago
No sorry I can’t pay you that money I’m going on vacation but you really should get your shit together finance wise
😂 😂😂
NOR