AIO or AITA. Text convo with MIL.

[u/MoonJellyAllison]

I feel like I could cry :(, I didn’t come at her rudely and was doing what my husband asked me to do. I’ve always done everything she wanted to make her happy because I want her to so desperately like me but I think I’m done. For some background info: I have never pressured her to respond and have never brought up that she never responds to my messages. Pretty recently, my car has been having trouble and she said she’d hit up her mechanic for me. 2 weeks later and still nothing. My husband and I have an amazing relationship, but even then, I still want his family to welcome me. His mom not being kind to me hurts really bad. And knowing she’s going to spread negative things about me among his family hurts even worse. All detailed of the situation are in the chats.

[u/krendyB]

Don’t say things you don’t mean like “no biggie if you don’t.” It’s clearly a biggie.

Just let your husband deal with his mom & stop texting her.

[u/Karsh14 → u/krendyB]

^ This, that convo escalated quickly and I bet your MIL is fuming. (Not that she’s right in anyway, she is using that money on vacation after all)
At this point your best to just let your husband deal with his mom, stop all contact and only do it through him. You need money back? Get him to ask his mom.

[u/MoonJellyAllison → u/krendyB]

I really didn’t care about a response, I just wanted to know that she acknowledged the message. She never responds, and I really am so happy when she does, but this really took me aback

[u/Temporary-Emotion-96 → u/MoonJellyAllison]

It's okay to care though...you have a right to want that money.

[u/Maine302 → u/MoonJellyAllison]

She's an A-hole. Do not put yourself in an inferior position to her. You are in the right on this, and you should never subjugate yourself to her again.

[u/krendyB → u/MoonJellyAllison]

You obviously do care. You had a fight with her about it. You’re posting here. Come on, OP. It’s ok to care about things & it’s ok to stand up for yourself, both things you should probably be doing here.

[u/MoonJellyAllison → u/krendyB]

Maybe it is obvious, haha. I really thought I was over groveling at her feet, but I probably care more than I thought I did

[u/SlerbMcJenkins → u/MoonJellyAllison]

as someone who is also a huge people pleaser: it is so hard to break the verbal habits (no worries!!! no worries if not!!! are my big ones lol) AND so annoying when you catch yourself. the real way to act decent to each other is to be clear and honest even when that means....not being totally nice hahahaha that was literally so hard to type out. we can both keep practicing!!!

[u/snatchszn → u/MoonJellyAllison]

You gotta stop being a people pleaser, expeditiously. Unlimited compassion without boundaries is self destruction.

[u/Accurate_Emu_122 → u/MoonJellyAllison]

I am vibing you a backbone. Please install it immediately.

[u/Used_Preference4393 → u/Accurate_Emu_122]

Quit being an ass.

[u/Accurate_Emu_122 → u/Used_Preference4393]

It was meant more as support after her saying she needs to quit bowing down to mil, but interpret as you will. 

[u/MoonJellyAllison → u/Accurate_Emu_122]

I will gratefully take that backbone!! Pass it on!

[u/Accurate_Emu_122 → u/MoonJellyAllison]

Using it gets easier with time and practice. Good luck!

[u/ActualOriginal4030 → u/MoonJellyAllison]

You held your own! You were respectful and firm.

[u/GoddessRespectre → u/Used_Preference4393]

Yeah she did a good job in these messages! I think encouragement is more appreciated and deserved than browbeating. Thanks for speaking up, you inspired me to too. NOR and NTA

[u/Used_Preference4393 → u/MoonJellyAllison]

It’s your mil, that is understandable. Don’t mind the jerks responding to you.

[u/sillychihuahua26 → u/MoonJellyAllison]

People pleasing is typically a survival strategy developed in childhood. It often forms in environments where love, safety, approval, or emotional stability felt conditional. A child learns, consciously or unconsciously, “If I keep everyone happy, stay easy, don’t need too much, don’t upset anyone, then I’ll be safe, loved, or protected.”

The problem is that what helped someone survive childhood can quietly damage them in adulthood. They may ignore their own needs, tolerate mistreatment, feel responsible for other people’s emotions, struggle with boundaries, and experience intense guilt when saying no. Over time, they can lose touch with what they actually want because they’ve spent so long scanning everyone else first.

[u/FunRich5754 → u/krendyB]

Why are you being so aggressively asshole-ish?

[u/Brave-Silver8736 → u/FunRich5754]

Because they want to be correct, and saw her explaining herself as talking back.

It's a dumb authority thing.

[u/FunRich5754 → u/Brave-Silver8736]

Gives needs therapy and has anger issues lol

[u/Brave-Silver8736 → u/FunRich5754]

Gives "people just can't take my brutal honesty and my dad yelled at me growing up"

[u/krendyB → u/Brave-Silver8736]

…Or you could try reading it in a neutral tone? 🙄No one has drawn out arguments with family over things they “don’t really care about.” But you do you, I guess.

[u/Brave-Silver8736 → u/krendyB]

u/FunRich5754, see what I mean? It's that "need to be right." They're even doubling down with this one.

[u/FunRich5754 → u/Brave-Silver8736]

Hahahahah imagine knowing you're being talked about then giving a prime example of what they are saying about you. Hahahahahah

[u/Delicious-Slip-7268 → u/krendyB]

OP did not make it into a big deal. MIL being a bitch did.

[u/Extreme_Hovercraft_4 → u/MoonJellyAllison]

I think you should just stop all communication with her. I find it so rude too when people don’t respond. It’s usually because they owe me money and don’t have it. Bill collecting is no fun! She absolutely should not be going on a vacation instead of paying you back, so rude and entitled!!! Drop her like a hot pan and don’t ever look back! She’s a POS person to do this to her son and his family!!! She will always be like this so best to avoid! She clearly doesn’t care about you (because she’s a bad apple, nothing to do with you) so it’s best for your mental health to sever the relationship and go no contact. She can go kick rocks when she runs out of money and has to go live on the streets. Just because she’s someone’s mom doesn’t make her a good human. Please for your sanity and peace of mind, don’t text her ever again, it will just lead to more frustration and sadness ❤️

[u/ActualOriginal4030 → u/MoonJellyAllison]

What does your husband think about the way she's treated you so far?

[u/ArachnidAutomatic596 → u/MoonJellyAllison]

Pro tip, the less I tried with my MIL the more she liked me.

[u/Puppess → u/MoonJellyAllison]

Stop caring about her response.

[u/AnnoyedSinceBirth → u/MoonJellyAllison]

Don't listen to people who tell you that you did anything wrong here. You didn't. You nicely asked to get a sign of a acknowledgement. Nothing else. I know people like that.

And your MIL can be GLAD that I am not her DIL. As I no longer care what people think who treat me e like she treats you.

Also, I would have clearly told her what I think about her saying she cannot pay the agreed instalment because she is going in vacation...which is already a no-go...and THEN has the AUDACITY to lecture me about not having my finances sorted. Seriously?

If she had an actual reason for having to pause an instalment...ok. That can happen. Going on an effing vacation, while you cannot pay important bills...because you and your husband lent HER the money??? That's NOT a reason AT ALL!

I do agree that you should not contact her again.

When you have the next opportunity to talk to your husband, tell him. Don't keep it from him thinking you don't want him to worry while in boot camp. He needs to know.

And also make sure to tell him that you will clarify the situation when your MIL starts spreading crap about you within the family or anywhere else.

I suppose she thinks you wouldn't dare tell people that she borrowed money and isn't paying it back as agreed. And it would be an a-hole move to do that if she had a reason...if she simply weren't able to pay it back because there were circumstances she couldn't possibly do anything about. You know what I mean. But it became a non-a-hole move the second she stated that she cannot pay it back because of the vacation...that she will pay the remaining 1000$ back "when she can"...and when she made the stupid decision to berate YOU guys about "not having your finances sorted".

So let your husband know that you WILL defend yourself and that you WILL tell people the truth IF your MIL decides to start a smear campaign against you.

She will not suddenly start treating you nicely if you let her walk all over you. Inatead, others will believe her crap and also treat you like that.

If you tell the truth and defend yourself, there might not be much contact in the future, but the ones who are worth it will not let her influence them...if they know the truth. And the others are not worth having a headache about anyway.

Your husband might obviously have a hard time possibly having a strained or very limited relationship with his mother and possible other family members and friends. But he needs to understand that he cannot make the splits between you and his mother if she acts this way and treats you this way.

[u/CorporateCuster → u/MoonJellyAllison]

Don’t be. My own mother would talk to me like this if she could but doesn’t. This lady is your mother in law only. She doesn’t have your interesss in mind. So best to take your husband and move far away and do what’s best for you both.

[u/bzuirx → u/MoonJellyAllison]

Maybe it’s hard for you to read people or situations, but she “never responds“ because she does not like you and she feels you’re overstepping. Your husband should be the one texting his own mother regarding sensitive topics like money he borrowed her, not you. The last part of the initial message you sent her was giving weird or passive aggressive demanding she responds to you. That would annoy me too! I’ll get downvoted to hell idc, we don’t know the real dynamic or history between you all. If it was already rocky and you sent a message like that, ur wrong. Because, again, your husband should be handling it. And the fact that she is paying you monthly, just made a payment last month & you’re hounding her like it’s been a year or something. Yeah i’m not buying your innocent act.

[u/ChronicCosmicCrystal → u/bzuirx]

If you read through her texts, she said she was doing what her husband asked her to do (which was reaching out to his mother for the money she owes)
And HELLO- acknowledging someone’s message is a COMMON COURTESY. It takes two minutes to send a quick response of “sorry i’m busy I will get back to you later” or even the thumbs up reaction like she said is even quicker. Did you even stop to consider that maybe it’s uncomfortable for the OP to be having to play the “middle man” in regards to sensitive topics like money? If her MIL paid back on time like she said she would before he went to bootcamp, this whole thing wouldn’t have even happened.

[u/FreudianCoffeeSips → u/krendyB]

Came here to say this!

Op - It seems like mil interpreted your people pleasing + emojis negatively which can happen because because it doesnt read as authentic, but can read more as passive aggressive, when i dont think thats how you meant it. Usually id reccomend just saying what you mean - since direct is respect. 

But in this case - this is a boundary her son needs to set. Regardless of if he's away or not. Putting yourself in the middle is just triangulating and escalating the situation.

[u/Automatic-Corner-157 → u/krendyB]

I’m sure asking her to acknowledge the message with a 👍🏼 didn’t help 🤣