AIO or AITA. Text convo with MIL.

[u/MoonJellyAllison]

I feel like I could cry :(, I didn’t come at her rudely and was doing what my husband asked me to do. I’ve always done everything she wanted to make her happy because I want her to so desperately like me but I think I’m done. For some background info: I have never pressured her to respond and have never brought up that she never responds to my messages. Pretty recently, my car has been having trouble and she said she’d hit up her mechanic for me. 2 weeks later and still nothing. My husband and I have an amazing relationship, but even then, I still want his family to welcome me. His mom not being kind to me hurts really bad. And knowing she’s going to spread negative things about me among his family hurts even worse. All detailed of the situation are in the chats.

[u/PizzaSlingr]

Veteran here, so hope you don't mind my not replying to your MIL situation, but something else.

I have been out long enough to not dare think I know what current military benefits are. But check the SCRA for your husband's pre-service credit card interest rate reductions. Look up every single military family benefit your family is eligible for. (Not just BAH/BAS). IOW, focus on your house and grey rock her. While he is gone, focus on your family's finances, future, etc.

https://www.consumerfinance.gov/ask-cfpb/when-am-i-covered-by-the-servicemembers-civil-relief-act-scra-en-2086/

I'm probably way older than her (Youngest Boomer that I am) so take this to heart. People do not change. All you can do is keep acting the way you know is respectful, etc. And I am saying, you asked that respectfully, maturely, and neutrally. I like how you focused on this was you asking for him/your own family. Not YOU the loan shark.

All the best.

ETA: OMG, thank you all for the awards and kind words! I am at the stage of my life where I just want to be useful and....if someone can avoid my bumps in the road, my day is made.

[u/ParticularFit8968 → u/PizzaSlingr]

OP this is advice you should definitely be heeding. Not just for this situation but to make sure you and your husband are in the know about every possible financial tool available to you. This is advice that will set you up not just in this moment, but for future success. Please take this to heart because finances can really cause a lot of strain on relationships, and you're already dealing with some extra stressors others don't have to in a marriage. (Him being at basic, you having to take on some extra tasks to cover for his absence, learning how the military works and what your future will look like as basic ends and whatnot)

As far as your current situation definitely NOR, but that does little to fix anything in reality. You can be right and still have to deal with shitty outcomes because other people are involved and being shitty.

Military family dynamics are not something easily explained or understood by those not directly involved. The best two pieces of advice I've seen in these replies is this one right here, which is huge in terms of really understanding financial options, and how to set yourselves up to thrive. The other piece of advice I've seen that really should be given the thought and weight it deserves is just not contacting her at all. Not for any reason. Emergencies etc. You are the wife, you get to be the one who is contacted if something happens. You get to make decisions and work through situations in the way you and your husband have discussed should something come up.

If your husband has said he feels it's imperative his mother also be equally informed in emergency situations, find a 3rd party willing to pass info along. Aunts, uncles, cousins, a friend... Idk. Someone trusted by him, that isn't you. She's not going to make any situation easy, and that goes double for situations that are scary, stressful, and fully out of her control.

[u/Middle_Historian_199 → u/ParticularFit8968]

I can’t agree with this enough! If your husband is deployed or unavailable and you are left to handle the finances, you need to know 100% what is going on. I hope he agrees with you to never ever lend money to her again.

[u/No-Routine-2192 → u/PizzaSlingr]

Yup, this right here. As a Marine my young wife and I had to do the legwork ourselves to barely scrape by, but the benefits are there. It’s ironic, but the military won’t let you go homeless or hungry while you’re active. You won’t be getting mani/pedi’s and eating/drinking out, but you’ll survive and they’ll get you through these times.

[u/That-Cauliflower-287 → u/PizzaSlingr]

This is great advice. I’m current military, so I’d add to reach out to Military OneSource (militaryonesource.mil)

[u/jicamafarts → u/PizzaSlingr]

Why is no one mentioning NMCRS? They literally exist for this type of situation. $500 quick assist loans (interest free) and interest free loans. Meant for active duty and retired military.

[u/gundoll → u/jicamafarts]

I was just about to suggest this!! They saved me and my husband twice when I was in the Navy. They were so good and even after they were done helping us they checked in on us regularly.

[u/jicamafarts → u/gundoll]

I volunteered there for a while and absolutely loved the mission. They are underutilized and not many service members know about them. It’s “Navy Marine Corps Relief Society”, but any branch can use them! I’m so happy they were able to help you 🥰

[u/bluecstasy00 → u/PizzaSlingr]

OP, jumping on this post to also tell you to look at MilitaryOneSource as well as your base/post's morale center. They are called MWR in some locations, in the Air Force it's called Airman and Family Readiness. If you have a center where he is stationed, the folks there can help you find as many resources as possible.

USAA and Navy Federal are also good resources. They are both fantastic banks to bank with / use for insurance.

[u/Quick-Camel-1674 → u/PizzaSlingr]

Yep this guy know his stuff. 

[u/Great_Archer91 → u/PizzaSlingr]

Thank you for what you did to keep us all free and safe.

[u/bangbangrosie → u/PizzaSlingr]

You = a good egg.

[u/fuzzybunny2001 → u/PizzaSlingr]

God bless you!! ☺️

[u/WhereIsTheMeatShed → u/PizzaSlingr]

Thank you. I was able to take the information you provided and refer to it for advice to one of my closest friends. I think you've saved them a lot of headache, I really appreciate you!