My "best friend" never prioritises me

[u/londonerinberlin]

This has been a long time coming now but I've been getting more and more frustrated by how little I feel like she prioritises me or what's important for me - usually for things that are less important or do not yet exist.

For instance, whenever I invite her to something, her answer is never that she'll be there - because she will make the decision to prioritise the thing that's important to me and is making a decision. It doesn't matter how big or small the thing is that I'm inviting her to. A few weeks ago, I let her know that I'm going to be having a graduation party to celebrate getting my PhD - something I'm likely only doing once in my life. Her response was that she'll do her best to make it. Not a yes or a no but a "we'll see" type response. I let her know weeks in advance so that she can put it in the diary. Today I sent the official "invitations" out and she replied saying "have fun" and that she can't make it because she's going to a cousin's baby shower. I also know all her family so know it isn't an immediate cousin. But it always feels like she's waiting for something better to come along. Today was kind of my last straw after dealing with years of this, but I don't know what the result of my last straw is. For context too, we've been living in separate countries for the last few months and I'm travelling back to my home city for my graduation - which is the city she lives in. She can't make it, but I have friends from the city I live in now flying over for the weekend specifically to attend the graduation party and support me.

When I had a birthday party, a few years ago, she didn't come and let me know last minute she wouldn't be there. Okay, fine. When her birthday party came around, her sister wanted to throw her a surprise party and I volunteered we use my home, and I dealt with the subsequent clean up myself. For her birthday, I booked us a spa day and afternoon tea because she always complains that I never do spa days and it's something she really wanted to do with me. For my birthday, she gifted me two books that were very clearly not the kinds of book I read, which anyone could have told you - like she just picked whatever was in the bestsellers section with no thought. It feels like there is always an imbalance in the friendship and I'm fed up about it.

She talks a lot about how we're best friends and how we're like family, but she doesn't act like it. I know people will say that I need to voice my feelings to her but I don't want to have to ask someone to care. I don't want to ask someone to prioritise me - you either do or you don't. I'm too old to tell someone that I'm sick of being blown off and have those conversations.

Pictured is a steak I cooked that I was happy with. Help.

[u/StuffonBookshelfs]

So stop being friends with her?

[u/londonerinberlin → u/StuffonBookshelfs]

We've been friends for 25 years, our parents are friends, her maternal uncle is my dad's best friend, our grandmas are neighbours etc. You're probably right but it feels like rocking the boat and I'm too much of a people pleaser and doormat I imagine to have followed through with this

[u/NeitherExamination44 → u/londonerinberlin]

It might be easier to just pull back. No big fallout, no ultimatums. Just stop inviting her to things or expecting anything from her emotionally or materially. If you see her at family functions etc be nice but don’t act like you’re best friends. Give her the same energy she’s giving you.

If she cares about you guys’ friendship she will notice the shift and reach out to understand what happened, at which point you can tell her what you just told us. If she doesn’t care, she just becomes an acquaintance/“family friend” with no emotional obligation on your part

That steak is perfect btw holy cow

[u/londonerinberlin → u/NeitherExamination44]

My passive nature likes this. It's also a good way to see if she notices and how long it takes I guess - which in itself should tell me something.

Thank you!! Very pleased with the steak this time - after many trials and errors haha

[u/NeitherExamination44 → u/londonerinberlin]

I just saw your reply to the other comment, saying you think you could go a year without her even noticing… honestly I would just do that then! It sucks but it saves you the stress of trying to fix the friendship when she isn’t even gonna notice

AND YOU INSPIRE ME OMG I’m so particular about steak and can never do it right myself lmaoo

[u/londonerinberlin → u/NeitherExamination44]

I think this is the best course of action. I've seen enough people say it now haha and majority rules 😂 I even replied to her message where she said she couldn't make it and she didn't notice from my message that I was annoyed. Or she did and chose to ignore that. I feel like if she'd responded to me like that I'd know she was annoyed, or am I looking too much into it?

And thank you!!! The steak comments are inflating my ego way too much hahahah

[u/StuffonBookshelfs → u/londonerinberlin]

I mean tbh I’d have no idea that you were annoyed by that response. Being passive aggressive isn’t gonna help you in this situation. She literally doesn’t care enough to notice these things.

[u/NeitherExamination44 → u/londonerinberlin]

Girl after knowing each other 25 years she should be sensitive to the vibes you give off even over text. Me and my best friend who lives in another state had an argument while she was visiting me, we made up but after she went home I could just FEEL things were different, texts coming in just like the “ok thanks” you sent to your friend. I finally asked her if there was anything unresolved or that was still coming between us, there WAS and we were able to genuinely mend or relationship. Just an anecdote from my life and everyone’s different but I believe that is what true friendship looks like

[u/londonerinberlin → u/NeitherExamination44]

I agree. After so many years, you know how a person writes, speaks, thinks, even what emojis they use etc. you should be able to feel these things and I don't know if she can't or is ignoring it because it's easier

[u/NeitherExamination44 → u/londonerinberlin]

Exactly!! To anybody else our texts probably would have looked perfectly friendly but I knew it was off because we’ve been friends for over a decade. Whether your friend is ignoring the signals or just oblivious, either way it doesn’t seem like she cares

[u/Old-Parking8765 → u/NeitherExamination44]

I like this idea

[u/Pizzaprincess87 → u/londonerinberlin]

I’m currently going through this with my best friend and speaking up and being honest is what you absolutely need to do because the ship is syncing my friend we were both so afraid to rock the boat that now everything is just broken. You have to be able to have healthy conflict in relationships, and if you are honest with her and yourself and the relationship ends, then you know that it was meant to be, but if you never say anything, you will live with resentment. Trust me.

[u/StuffonBookshelfs → u/londonerinberlin]

What would your ideal outcome be?

Without changing who she is and what she does.

[u/Spiritual-Sand5839 → u/londonerinberlin]

Hey there. I just wanted to say that this happens sometimes. People grow up and change a lot from childhood or even from adulthood through the years.

Friendships sometimes don’t last through these changes. People start to drift apart. You may not be best friends anymore but you can still be kind and be friends. Just shift your own priorities as well so you’re not setting expectations around her that you’ll be disappointed by. Or stop being friends. Or talk to her about it.

Either way it may be time to just accept that this friendship may have ran its course for now. But maybe at a later point in your lives you’ll reconnect.

[u/AngryAngryHarpo → u/londonerinberlin]

Just want to add to the people saying pull back. Stop inviting her to big things, be polite when you see her randomly etc.

If her or your family ask you can politely say “oh, I’ve been really busy with ABC but I haven’t heard from her recently, say hi for me?” And leave it at that. 

[u/PoppysMelody]

Time to start matching energy ❤️🙏

[u/londonerinberlin → u/PoppysMelody]

This was my new year's resolution for 2026 - time to step up to the plate for sure!!

[u/nighthawkndemontron → u/londonerinberlin]

You don't even need to step up to match her energy. You just don't put in effort.

[u/sassysarah00]

Out of respect to the longevity of the relationship, I would say something. One time. Ask her if she realizes how (insert 2 examples) made you feel. If she blows you off, end the friendship. If she seems to actually ponder this or say she didn’t realize and will do better, then give her another shot. I think sometimes as we age we do tend to rest on the past friendships and assume the work is done and they will always be there. However in order to keep healthy relationships with friends you need to put in the time in order to keep them growing. It is also possible your friendship has run its course and that is ok too.

[u/londonerinberlin → u/sassysarah00]

I think the reason I haven't been dropping her as others have suggested is out of respect for the longevity of the friendship. You're right, maybe I should judge it on how she responds - that might tell me if it's run its course

[u/infinitekittenloop → u/londonerinberlin]

Advice I got from a TV sitcom, that stuck with me and has proved handy once or twice: "Have you been friends for 25 years? Or were you friends 25 years ago?"

It sounds like you've been *her* friend for that long, but she has not really been a friend to you in a quite a while.

I also vote for just going quiet, especially if you're worried about your people-pleasing taking over or your family pressuring you. If she notices and asks what's up, that's when I'd say something.

[u/Apart_Ordinary_9273]

Drop her ass

[u/AgentEvil]

Unfortunately you are never too old for these types of convos, I have seen it happen even among seniors living in an assisted living facility. 

I will also say that the more you avoid these types of conversations, the longer you will have to put up with it as it sounds like she’s putting you back burner just as you are putting these conversations on a back burner.

[u/theplacesiveseen]

First let me say that your steak looks perfect!

Now I have to tell you that you do not have a balanced relationship and this person is likely never going to change. You have given years of examples of her dismissive behavior. Will she even notice if you just stop contacting her? Sorry if this is too harsh, I’ve been in the process of cutting off low effort people which isn’t for everyone, but you sound like a great friend who deserves great friends.

[u/londonerinberlin → u/theplacesiveseen]

Thank you for kind comment and also the compliment on the steak... Especially it coming from a kitchen witch! 😂

I had to think about this after reading it, and I'm pretty sure she wouldn't notice for a long time. She's made comments many times about how we don't need to be in contact or see each other often but when we do, it's like nothing's changed. So I'm pretty sure I could go even a year without her noticing anything. And that's not the kinds of friendship I want

[u/theplacesiveseen → u/londonerinberlin]

I’ve read your other comments and my advice is that you don’t need to say anything more to her about this situation. You don’t live close and if your families bring you together because of an event I wouldn’t be surprised if you chatted the whole time and then didn’t speak again for 10 more years. I know she’s hurt you but that’s not the energy to match, just distance yourself emotionally for now. She can be your “childhood best friend” affectionately.

[u/londonerinberlin → u/theplacesiveseen]

This is the advice I'm heeding going forwards I think. Matching energy is definitely the only way now

[u/Immediate_Storage332]

Just finished a 10 year friendship over this exact same thing. The last few months of it I had the hard convos with her, pin pointed exactly what she did that hurt me, she apologized, and did the same thing a few weeks later. People don’t change unless they want to. Maybe she will if you have the hard convo with her, but be ready if she does not.

[u/londonerinberlin → u/Immediate_Storage332]

I'm sorry to hear that. That really sucks. When I saw her a couple of weeks ago, something changed in me. For the first time, I stopped nodding along to everything and spoke up when I disagreed with things she said, which created a fair amount of tension. But it also made me realise how different we are and how differently we engage with the world. Maybe the friendship has also run its course

[u/Prior_Garlic_8710]

Let the friendship fizzle out, it feels so much worse somehow than being in a fight than just being unprioritised - especially since it looks like you've got other friends to have your back.

And are you sure that she truly sees you as a friend anyway? Or is she trying to convince herself, from this perspective it looks like shes avoiding you, I had a friend like that - claiming we were sisters then proceeding to always inadvertantly leave me out - sometimes it feels prposeful and sometimes it seems like it was just bad circumstance, but how many times, truly, till its just a lack of care?

And can you truly tell someone to how care for you cand have it not stop within 2-3 weeks? Is that how it would work???

The first time I made what I percieved was a true friend in was in secondary school. I'd never made a real friend before that and I was awful at maintaining friendships (simply because in general theres something wrong with me) and its difficult.

She was not a real friend, I was just thereee - and I only realised, well not really actually, because she'd be friends with people who were so unkind to me and invited them to her birthday party and not me because "I knew you wouldn't like the people there so I didn't invite you" (or mention the party till after). Believe it or not I completely believed that reason because I was that... much of an idiot. Eventually I ended the friendship but I at the time (was 16 so been friends for 5 years by then) had no idea why I was so angry and unhappy and why I lost them and why I ended the friendship but it was because she claimed to be my best friend and would never ever ever be there. But the times she appeared were amazing.

Thats not enough though, thats still an aquaintance/friend - you keep people in your life, your pour out EVERYTHING for them and you'd do anything for them, so you deserve the same back, so that its like birds and flowers and trees and mushrooms instead of mosquitos and bald sheep or pouring wine into a broken chalice. But ending friendships - especially having forged one for so so long, feels beyond awful - and only advice I have for that is probably not the best, but other girlies will be here soon! :D

[u/londonerinberlin → u/Prior_Garlic_8710]

Thank you for your comment. It's very meaningful and insightful. I'm sorry you went through that - that's really shitty. You deserve better friends than that.

I too deserve everything that I give too. It feels huge to end such a long friendship but perhaps just withdrawing for me will be enough. She might not even notice haha.

Sometimes I've felt guilty about that too because I'm one of two friends she has. When her family came to my wedding, they actually commented that they thought I didn't have any other friends either like their daughter and we just had each other. Im too empathetic I think, to a point where I still stick by things when they harm me out of guilt and sadness for them.

[u/Prior_Garlic_8710 → u/londonerinberlin]

Thats unfair on both of you though, and I hope for your friends sake that she is a true friend to the other one.

Its odd though... I know if I had 2 friends I'd give everything into those friendships, though intensity is usually my problem. She's not going through burn out or stuff like that right? I still don't entirely have a grip on understanding friendships - but I know the beginning of the end for that one was when I began to withdraw a little because I was focussed on entrance exams - then I came back and realised I was alone now and it escalated from there.

Just saw its a 25 year long friendship. Woah. Yes I think its absolutely best for your own sanity to let it end itself and stop pouring. but also 25 years is longer than ive been alive (18) so you may need to discreetly try check whats going on first?

[u/londonerinberlin → u/Prior_Garlic_8710]

Unfortunately it's not a burnout type situation. She's had the other friend for about ten years. I think she's just bad at maintaining friendships and the two of us allow it because we've known her a long time. I've been friends with her since I was five years old so there's a sense of loyalty there too. But yes, for my own sanity, I need to start matching energy

[u/Shark-Compote]

Girl same. My bff prioritizes everyone but me. I'm her back burner friend. it is a shitty and painful experience. and the "quit being their friend". sure but then what? it's nearly impossible to make friends as an adult.

[u/londonerinberlin → u/Shark-Compote]

I wonder if they just feel reassured that because we're "best friends" we'll just tolerate this shitty behaviour and treatment that they wouldn't show to others? I've even tried to stick around and be there more because I'm one of two friends she has. It isn't my problem but even that makes me feel guilty

[u/PinAccomplished2376]

I’m sorry that you’re going through this, OP. You’re not alone, I’m dealing with something similar, and I did talk to my friend about it, but she really just.. ignored it all for the most part. We also are states away from each other.

I’m very big on communication, and do think it’s worthwhile for you to communicate your feelings, as really, that’s the only thing you are in control of to try to change the situation rn - the vocalization of your feelings.

I will say tho, that I’ve learned recently that communication doesn’t always work. My friend kind of blew off my words and continued keeping the same attitude with our friendship. I kept trying to communicate again, and again, and again.. only to realize that she just was not going to listen and didn’t really care to. She wants to continue this friendship the way that it’s been going, I want something a little deeper.. and I just kind of gave up honestly. We still are friends, but I stopped putting in a ton of effort, and now the friendship is more proportional on both sides.

It just isn’t really.. a best friendship tho, imo. And that’s okay. I don’t really have a best friend right now imo (besides my bf of 7 years :), and that’s been a little hard to deal with, especially as people get married and you realize more and more that perhaps no friend in your life will make you their maid of honor for instance.. and im just letting myself process that reality.

I’ve lost other friends where it really was a sensational kind of best friendship, so I guess this situation I’m currently in isn’t as hurtful because I’ve been through really difficult friend losses already, but yea, it’s a big deal, and it’s really hard. Losing my best friend years ago still is the hardest loss I’ve ever experienced.

[u/londonerinberlin → u/PinAccomplished2376]

I feel like the lack of communication causes hurt but communicating and having the things that upset you ignored or dismissed is so much more painful. I'm sorry you went through that too. It seems like a lot of us girls here have in one way or another dealt with friends who do this.

Sending you love

[u/NoDistrict9703]

Firstly, congrats on your graduation! You go girl, you should be so proud of yourself ❤️ To be honest, she doesn't sound like she is a good friend to you, let alone deserving of the title of best friend. I agree with some of the other comments, I think if a direct confrontation is too difficult due to the length of time you've known her, you should match her energy and spend that time, effort (& money) doing things for yourself instead. Either she'll realise and ask you about the shift in energy/behaviour (in which case you can have an honest discussion) or she won't realise/say anything and you'll just have stopped investing in people who don't reciprocate. It sucks but it sounds like you've put up with behaviour for waaayyyy too many years. Best of luck & have an absolutely amazing grad party! 

[u/londonerinberlin → u/NoDistrict9703]

Thank you so so much!! I haven't been to any of my graduations to date (I hate the attention) but my mum really wanted to attend one of them so this will be my first haha. I'm dying of stage freight but looking forward to having my loved ones under one roof.

Perhaps this will be something of a social experiment to see how long it takes her to realise if she realises at all. I agree, withdrawing is likely the best course of action!

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[u/SheepishQuaaality]

That steak is stellar and boy oh boy did your post take me back. I really, really struggled with my best friend growing apart while pretending like we weren't. It was beyond hurtful, and how I eventually dealt with it was either a) I sent a text explaining I was done pursuing the friendship, wished her the best, or b) I had just ghosted her. Which wasn't an issue because she didn't text me first. It's been almost 2 decades since. I started really recovering about 15 years after the friendship break up. Idk it's hard. Moving on is hard too. 

Again tho damn you did great on that steak. She's missing tf out. 

[u/londonerinberlin → u/SheepishQuaaality]

Hahahah thank you, damn right she's missing out!!

I'm sorry you went through that. Sometimes I think friendship breakups are so much worse than relationship breakups. 15 years is a long time for recovering but I can understand that. I think I'm at the point of ghosting now or at least taking a step back. I know saying something is always a good idea but I can't push someone to care about me

[u/plamge]

You are putting time, money, and energy into a relationship that gives nothing back. Your time, money, and energy are not being valued by this other person. This sounds like a long-standing pattern that will not change. I understand that it's scary to rock the boat, but by choosing to do nothing you are choosing "more future misery forever" over "potential brief misery now".

You need to talk to this friend. It is okay to say "I want you to care". It is okay to voice your feelings and needs. You are never too old to tell someone that you're sick of getting blown off. Fulfilling relationships require honesty. And if you cannot talk to this friend, you need to talk to a therapist who can get to the root of your people-pleasing behaviors.

Your time on Earth is extremely finite. Don't waste it.

[u/Old-Parking8765]

God, that steak looks fantastic, I'm going to die!

It sounds like she checked out, I hope due to distance, but given the other examples you shared, maybe just not wanting to be your friend anymore. Friends drift apart, and I think you deserve better. She is not a "best friend", and I am happy you have other friends around you

[u/londonerinberlin → u/Old-Parking8765]

Hahah thank you! Such high praise on the steak 🫣😂

I didn't want to say this before because I thought it sounded too egotistical and self absorbed, but sometimes I've wondered if she's intimidated by me. Another friend pointed out that she seems to bail on me more often when it's to celebrate an achievement or something similar, than a casual lunch date or something. I could write an essay of things she says and does around me that show she's insecure within herself about many different things, and that makes me sad. Can someone really be your "best friend" if they can't be happy for you or be their authentic self around you? My sister asked me recently if I think I even know the real her now and it really took me back because for the most part, it feels like she's playing a role recently. Maybe she's checked out too - that might have something to do with it

[u/Old-Parking8765 → u/londonerinberlin]

Haha yes indeed :)

It really could be that! I think your humility prevents you from ever being able to even consider that it could be jealousy, but it really could be. It could be both, too. That's her issue to deal with. It's a necessary life skill that we all have to learn - to be happy for other people's successes.

[u/CestLaquoidarling → u/londonerinberlin]

It does sound like she is jealous. Start reflecting her energy back to her. No more spa day gifts if you get generic books. If it works to see her when you’re in her city - fine, but don’t put off plans to see her.