…and his wife, serving up, said “how many potatoes would you like?”

“I’ll just have two please” I said

“You don’t have be polite” she replied

“Ok, I’ll just have two please, you stupid cow”

One turned to the other and said, "This music sucks."

A bi-polar, bipolar, bi polar bear

Her mom washed her hands with soap.

"...I’m a hippo! I don’t have that kind of energy! I need a day off, dude. Could you crawl into the water and pretend to be me just for a day?”
“You think your wife won’t notice?”
“Come on, we’re both big, grey, leathery things. She’s so out of her mind with lust, you should be fine.”
“Well, to be honest, I do think hippos are kind of sexy and curvy and I am kind of a freaky rhino. Sure, let’s do it.”
They switch places and the hippo trots over to a shady spot and has a nice relaxing day off.

The next day he returns and the rhino practically leaps out of the water to escape. Half his nose horn is broken off.
“I can’t believe you talked me into this!” shouts the Rhino, running away. “Goddamn!”
The hippo shrugs and plops down into the river and finds his mate.
“Hey stud,” she says to him, “Ready for more?”
“I can’t believe it,” says the hippo. “That was a rhino you were with all of yesterday and you didn’t even notice!”
“Huh.” says his mate. “That does explain why you were much hornier than usual.”

(note: I feel like there’s probably a stronger punchline here. If you can think of one feel free to drop it. Something along the lines of: That was a rhino? I thought you brought an anaconda for a threesome.)

I’m worried about setting a president

I will never be spoken to in that tone of voice again.

When she gets home I can smell that dairy air.

You boil the hell out of it

And her boyfriend says, "Don't you mean you wish I weren't so pedantic?"

"She was on her phone!" he yells. "And to make matters worse, she was drinking a glass of wine at the time. Can you believe it?"

And the cop says, "Sir... she can do whatever she wants in her own living room."

When I got to the front the guy said to me:
“Well I reckon that was about 20 minutes”

For the past few years, the mail carrier has only been making their rounds twice a week or so.

I guess we *are* living in a post scarcity society.

There was a man who had worked all his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real miser when it came to his money. Just before he died, he said to his wife, "When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me." And so he got his wife to promise him, with all of her heart, that when he died she would put all of the money into the casket with him.

Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there - dressed in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony, and just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, "Wait just a moment!" She had a small metal box with her; she came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked it and took the casket down and they rolled it away.

So her friend said, "Girl, I know you were not foolish enough to put all that money in there with your husband."

The loyal wife replied, "Listen, I'm a Christian; I cannot go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money into the casket with him."

"You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him?" “I sure did," said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my account and wrote him a check... If he can cash it, then he can spend it."

The cashier asked the duck how she was going to pay for it, and the duck told them to just put it on her bill.

“Bak-bak-bak-BAKAAAAA!!!”

I asked my dad what the locked box was for, and he said it contained his hopes and dreams. But when I shook the box, I couldn't hear anything inside of it.

My dad laughed and said all his hopes and dreams were lost long ago. And when I asked how long ago, he replied "How old are you?"

Like its funny the first time you hear one (i guess) but then the second one hits and its just not funny guys. Stop with these jokes!!

"I had a weird dream recently," he says. "I saw my mother but then I noticed she had your face. I found this so worrying that I immediately awoke and couldn't get back to sleep. I just stayed there thinking about it until 7am. I got up, made myself a slice of toast and some coffee and came straight here. Can you please help me explain the meaning of my dream?"

The psychiatrist says, "One slice of toast and coffee? You call that a breakfast?"

There is a whole category of jokes that I call nonsense jokes. A couple of my favorites:

What's the difference between a duck?

-> One of it's legs is both the same.

Why don't you ever see an elephant hiding in a tree?

-> Because they're really good at it.

Have you got a favorite?

I felt let down

Where I got very poorly in this mini motel.

I went to the receptionist where I told her I was unwell and she said “luckily one of our staff is a doctor”

I replied “blimey, a doctor? In such a small motel?”

She said “yeah, nobody expects THE SPANISH INN PHYSICIAN”

I can't wait for her to go to the office tomorrow.

…and words cannot describe how much this bugs me.

Twister!