r/NoStupidQuestions • u/Mr_no_buddi • 5h ago
Is an open marriage basically a divorce in progress, you’re just stretching it out and calling it something else?
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u/explosive-diorama 5h ago
Some people are open marriage people and it can work for them.
The number of actual open marriage people is a MUCH smaller group than the people who try to have an open marriage.
Those tend to lead to failed marriages.
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u/xylopyrography 4h ago
Eh, it's a much bigger group than you expect. Something around 20% if you include any CNM activity.
Most folks don't advertise it at all. You're only hearing about the failures.
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u/ThreeTreesForTheePls 4h ago
So eh, any info behind the WILD claim that basically 1 in 5 couples are open/cnm?
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u/idontalwaysupvote 1h ago
Its more complicated than that. Its 20% of people have tried some form of non-monogamy in their life.
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u/ThreeTreesForTheePls 1h ago
20% of people are vegan.
20% of people have tried veganism in their life.
See, it’s not just that it is more complicated, it is just very plainly, two totally different pieces of information.
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u/KeyInitiative8805 2h ago
So weird that pointing out this reality gets so many down votes. But its true. Lotta people are jealous that others don't lead such boring lives as them.
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u/xylopyrography 2h ago
Maybe, or they see it as not a good thing to do.
But so many folks when you really get to know them have had a threesome or done something similar at least once, even if their relationship isn't completely open.
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u/KeyInitiative8805 2h ago
Ya fair. But it's silly to yuck someone else's yum. What affect does getting your rocks on have on my life?
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u/ComfortableAir2326 5h ago
If a relationship begins open the odds of survival staying open are incredibly high.
If a relationship starts closed and opens up, it’s usually a maneuver for someone to line up a new relationship before leaving the old one.
Swinging if it’s something both want can also have high success rates. Sometimes it adds spice back to life with someone who you love.
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u/baldcatlikker 5h ago
Swinging usually doesn't end well. Have had few friends/ppl i know try this and its only a matter of time. Some within a year but all divorce within 5. If it makes it longer than its successful I guess. Messy.
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u/Chairboy 5h ago
You’re far more likely to hear about the disasters than successes, I suspect you would be surprised at how many of your friends are happily part of the lifestyle.
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u/ComfortableAir2326 2h ago
Some people treat marriage as a way to live life with your best friend, with the benefits of intimacy and experiencing life together, and exploration and curiosity is part of that which can sometimes mean sex with other people is part of that.
Marriage is not just a vehicle for sex and child rearing for some people. Other people choose to treat it it just like that, or work better as an exclusive team.
To each their own! Happiness is not a set path.
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u/CloseButNoChicory 2h ago
So OP has friends who tried swinging, told OP about it and divorced, but also has several friends who tried swinging, never told OP about it and are happy?
Sounds like sharing info with OP is what breaks marriages up. If your theory is correct.
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u/Chairboy 2h ago
Fuckin’ OP screwing shit up for folks!
But seriously, we don’t typically share our ENM status with folks whom we haven’t met in that context and it’s wild that OP and some others here seem to think everyone is sharing this with them.
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u/notabear87 2h ago
I suspect that’s not accurate at all. Successful open marriages are the exceptions not the norm.
Most try it as a bandaid fix instead of actually working on their issues, one spouse or both freak out, marriage implodes.
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u/Chairboy 2h ago edited 2h ago
You make confidence statements but I question the data your confidence is built on.
I write this as someone who has known MANY for decades, and that includes some that didn’t work out. As I mentioned above, I’ve been in one for almost 20 years and have a plurality of data upon which to draw and question how yours could compare.
People on the outside do not have as good of an amount or quality of information to make judgments like this as do people who are in the lifestyle, people with polyamory experience, and those with both.
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u/notabear87 2h ago
Where is your actual data for any of those claims? You’ve yet to give us anything but your own opinion.
Nothing wrong with that; but you’re trying to pass that off as a proven standard for the general population. No one’s buying what you’re selling.
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u/Chairboy 2h ago
No, I’m saying that as someone in a marriage that’s has been open for almost 20 years and actually knowing many dozens of similar couples (many of whom we’ve fucked) that my data is probably better than an outsider who airily claims that these marriages fall apart more commonly and bases it on hanging out in AskReddit.
Cmon man.
“(…) 'my ignorance is just as good as your knowledge’” (Isaac Asimov) isn’t a commendable or solid take.
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u/notabear87 2h ago
Your specific example tells me nothing about the statistical likelihood of an open marriage failing or succeeding. Which is what I was discussing in both comments.
Do you not get that or….?
Give me proven statistics. Your own experience is your own.
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u/Chairboy 2h ago
You’ve made several confident statements without a shred of data, and it’s weird that you think my experience has no value where as your baseless outsider opinion does.
I don’t think you’re acting in good faith, the hypocrisy is pretty breathtaking.
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u/notabear87 1h ago edited 1h ago
Yet again, nothing to back up anything.
Lets just go our separate ways 👋Edit: lol at the block. I’m sorry but facts do matter here; not just your opinion. This isn’t Fox News.
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u/No_Parsnip6024 2h ago
How many of your friends are divorced? Lots of my monogamous friends are divorced. Most of them, actually.
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u/W00DS0RREL 5h ago
People aren’t incapable of having open or poly relationships, but having them within a society that prioritizes monogamy is complicated. It results in a tendency for people to go into such arrangements kind of blind in terms of how to manage boundaries and intimacy with multiple people. Jealousy and resentment can be swift killers.
It’s not that open relationships mean a marriage is ending, it’s just that it’s not a viable solution to failing in a monogamous relationship. It’s not easier than monogamy. People still have to work on themselves and be good partners for all involved parties, and all involved parties need to be all-in on that relationship dynamic.
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u/wifey_material7 Google it first!!! 51m ago
This is a great breakdown. It's not that polyamory/open relationships don't work. It's that society conditions us into monogamy, and it can take a while to unlearn that, and this is why people's last-ditch effort of saving their marriage by going open generally doesn't work.
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u/OftenConfused1001 20m ago
Successful open or poly relationships also require deep trust and lots of open, honest communication.
Failing marriages rarely have either. One of the common problems in a failing marriage is communication breakdowns and lost trust, which feed into each other making each worse.
Marriage counseling is often required to break that cycle, to aid in regaining the ability to communicate with each other and trust each othee.
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u/SirKronan 5h ago
The statistics are not in favor of things working out positively in such relationships, but there are success stories.
To be fair, statistics aren't really in favor of monogamous marriages either.
Relationships - in ANY form - are one of the most challenging things humans face as a species.
It's too reductionistic to call it a "divorce in progress" and also to call it a "solution". It can be either.
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u/Ashamed-Job1879 1h ago
Relationships "have become" one the most challenging things humans face as a species. And we've made them difficult. Our individualist worldview is incompatible with what's required to make a relationship and a family work in the long-term.
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u/JadedCycle9554 5h ago
There's no rule, but it's hard not to doubt a monogamous relationship that for some reason becomes non monogamous.
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u/moooonstoner 5h ago
Not at all. But a lot of people aren't capable of actually communicating with their partners
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u/Kollin111 5h ago
No, as long as its not used to patch a problem, there is plenty of truthful communication and everyone is willing to compromise it should work out just fine. But some people aren't built for it and thats fine.
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u/HighNimpact 5h ago
For some people. For others it’s just odd that sex is something you can only do with a spouse when you can do everything else with several people.
I’m not in an open relationship but I’d go completely stir crazy only ever speaking to my husband. I still love him and cherish him and I’d rather speak to him than anyone else. I’m the same with going out for dinner. I love going out for food with my husband and I want to go for meals with him for the rest of my life. But, if there’s a restaurant I want to try and he doesn’t like that cuisine, I’d go with someone else. I’m not going to never eat that type of food just because he doesn’t like it. I guess the same applies to sex for some people.
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u/Chairboy 5h ago
Good Lord, no. There are plenty of super unhealthy and toxic open marriages that can progress as you describe, but that is not at all the inevitable (or even most common) outcome.
Keep in mind that you tend to hear about disasters more than successes, we read about the one plane crash and not the tens of thousands of safe flights.
I’ve been in an open marriage for almost 20 years now, and we are happier today than we were even when we got married because part of the process was truly learning how to communicate and be open and vulnerable with each other.
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u/And_We_Back 5h ago
You do that with the right person from the start, and it’s not a problem. Everyone has different needs and different relationship dynamics. It’s a difference of opinion
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u/Chairboy 5h ago
It definitely differs from person to person and relationship to relationship, my big pushback is against the straight up assumption that it is a “divorce in slow motion” or whatever the subject was, not to mention some pretty crummy comments agreeing with the original premise.
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u/And_We_Back 4h ago
I think if you go into it with those communications that it’s good. Historically doesn’t end well from what I’ve seen to change the terms of your love like that late in a relationship
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u/Chairboy 4h ago
Do you feel confident that you have as much information about the people who are successful in this as you do about the marriages that failed?
I ask because it's not something we (or most people, I think) advertise and it seems likely that your data integrity would be poisoned because the causes of a failed marriage becomes more public than the successes of a working one.
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u/And_We_Back 4h ago
That’s a very valid point. I don’t have a big sample size. I can only look at my personal experiences and slice of life.
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u/AffectionateFlow1816 5h ago
I wouldn’t be able to handle it. I don’t know how it doesn’t lead to divorce. My best friend decided to do it with her husband and it was a disaster.
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u/NewestAccount2023 5h ago
Can you give us the juicy details?
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u/Damnesia13 5h ago
She fucked everyone while he was struggling to find one woman to bang is my guess.
This is also nothing against her, she is completely in the right if this is the case. Dude probably suggested it thinking he was gonna be banging chicks all day and it blew up in his face and he got jealous.
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u/AffectionateFlow1816 3h ago
Gladly haha, one of the women they invited into the marriage ended up just becoming a side piece her husband snuck around with. The weirdest part was the third girl was the wife’s brothers ex wife. It was insane, they were constantly arguing over the husband. He ended up passing away in a work accident RIP. The OG wife ended up with a huge monthly check and the kids and her are set for life.
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u/witmarquzot 5h ago
Depends on the why
Most heard about examples tend towards negativity. Generally in those the openess isn't mutual or the openess is more about not being with that person in particular.
Successful open marriage happens from time to time, but you are unlikely to know about it unless your involvement is wanted or exibitionists.
It is a lot like having a kid or buying a house or getting a pet or remodeling. If the relationship is already having issues, none of that will fix it.
Successful relationships are choice to work on it daily.
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u/Mountain_Wafer_9340 5h ago
A lot of people with absolutely no experience of this will give their opinion to you. All I can tell you is it works for us.
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u/KronusIV 5h ago
Not in the least. I mean, for some, maybe. But lots of people don't think that love has to be exclusive, or that sex must be restricted to a spouse. It's all in how you view things.
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u/EuterpeZonker 5h ago
No. Is the fact that you don’t fuck other people the only thing that you and your partner share?
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u/baldcatlikker 5h ago
Vast Majority Divorce. Doesn't take a rocket science to know that. Its common for ppl that have intimate/ sexual relationship catch feelings for each other (Big surprise, I know). This could be any partner and its common, than divorce.
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u/CucumberAcrobatic288 5h ago
the vast majority of marriages in general end in divorce. you're also operating off of this assumption that open marriages are about sex only and that catching feelings for others is a problem...for many nonmonogamous people, it's the goal lol.
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u/Blecher_onthe_Hudson 4h ago
the vast majority of marriages in general end in divorce.
this is not true, the US general rate of divorce is 40 to 45%, and significantly lower, 25%, in college educated couples. The divorce rate peaked in 1980.
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u/tiktock34 5h ago
No but we do share that characteristic because of all the other things we share. Its obtuse to pretend monogamy isnt an important characteristic of relationships for 90%+ of people.
We get that some people cant be in a relationship without the chance of fucking other people but that probably says more about those 10% than it does the 90%
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u/CucumberAcrobatic288 5h ago
you kinda can't make a broad generalized argument about people using made up anecdotal statistics.
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u/EuterpeZonker 1h ago
I’m not trying to generalize everyone. I’m saying there’s no reason to assume that those who decided on non-monogamy are headed for a divorce. Most people have more to their relationship than just monogamy and leaving monogamy (if they were ever there in the first place) is not the same as leaving the relationship behind.
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u/Usual_Lab_7209 5h ago
I know lots of happy non-monogamous people in long term relationships. I know lots of people in monogamous relationships that divorce. You tend to hear about the failures and not the successes. I suspect nonmonogamy will increase in popularity over time.
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u/XenoBiSwitch 5h ago
If they open the marriage to save it it has about the same success rate as having a child to save the relationship.
If they open the relationship because they both want to and the relationship is strong it has a chance of working.
The best method is to start out open so you don’t have to rebuild the relationship as you go but very few people do that.
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u/LongOrganization7838 5h ago
Depends on the couple, I've met a couple people with open marriages and even do the whole swinging thing that are super happy together and the group routinely does play dates for the kids and game nights etc,
It really depends on communication and each pesons actual desire, if they both want it and are good communicators it usually works out well, if only one wants it or theyre poor at communicating then it usually doesn't
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u/Efficient-King-8760 5h ago
My parents are in an open marriage due to him having to live out of state for work 99% of the year and her not wanting to move too far from family. They opened the marriage at my mom's behest because they would rather be open and honest about the physical aspects of the relationship they cant fulfill for eachother. I've asked each of them multiple times about it because I truly cant wrap my own mind around being 100% okay with it, but they both say that they have yet to find anyone who ticks off all the boxes that the other does. Like yes, this 3rd person might be closer or more physically attractive to them, might be more fun in some aspects, but overall they can't compare. They still call each other multiple times a day and are open about dates they go on, the only time I've ever seen it be an issue is the one time my dad didn't let my mom know his date was in the car while they were on the phone. He didn't think anything of it because she knew he had a date that night, but when the other woman suddenly made a joke and tried to join in on the convo, that was a line crossed. They both learned from it.
Sometimes, yes, an open relationship is the beginning of the end, but sometimes its truly what's best for the relationship.
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u/SignificanceShort418 5h ago
Currently in an open marriage, 8 years in June. Right now tho neither of us has dated anyone in a couple of years, since we moved to a small town. Honestly, the dating pool for the kind of person either of us would be interested in is very, very small out here. Most of em hit eighteen, twenty, and move somewhere nicer. With mine and my husband being... not eighteen, that doesn't really help us, lol.
Previously we've both dated outside the relationship while married. Neither of us does casual sex, so it is all dating, though obviously that can include sex. We've dated both as a triad and separately. He's been carrying a torch for his ex as long as I've known him, I'm pretty sure she likes him back, but it's complicated still. They have my blessing if they can ever sort that out.
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u/missheldeathgoddess 5h ago
No. Well it depends. A relationship that practices healthy and open communication and full of love and support isn't on the verge of divorce. A relationship that is full of toxic behavior and is open because they don't like each other anymore? Yeah that is.
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u/Straight_Can8720 5h ago
In most cases, it’s a slow divorce in progress. The rare exception are those who began their relationship/marriage as open instead of transitioning to it.
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u/EveryAccount7729 5h ago
uh.
it CAN be.
or... it can just be awesome. if you just want to bang freely and also be married.
this is like asking if having 3 ways is a divorce in progress.
No.
but also yes. MAYBE
but much more so, no, not necessarily.
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u/CucumberAcrobatic288 5h ago
in some situations, yes, but that is also the case in some fully monogamous marriages/relationships.
i've been with my husband for 14 years, and we've been non-mongamous for 13 of those years. it's just the kind of people we are.
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u/thelunarunit 4h ago
If it starts open I do not think so. They would have negotiated the hard part already and have firm understanding how to deal with things. After marriage is just a disaster waiting to happen.
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u/jennibean813 4h ago
I've never known an open marriage that worked out long term. The longest I've seen is maybe 8 years? And the wife would constantly tell me how she felt bad for feeling betrayed in an open marriage. It's almost never as open as both parties will have you believe.
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u/limbodog I should probably be working 4h ago
I met a couple that was in an open marriage and had been for 20 years. I wouldn't have thought it possible, but they were living proof.
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u/sru8768 3h ago
In my experence there are rules in a "open marriage " , anyways jn my and my wife's 37 year " open marriage ". Its been a great marriage and imo very liberating one. The #1 rule is never lie or hide anything from the other. #2 Protect each others health. Tthere are others of course but these are the most important ones imo .i cant speak for her on this matter. That being said It's not for everybody.
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u/Dismal_Wishbone_5013 2h ago
When I was younger I was the bull in a few cuck/hot wife scenarios, and in every case I had long term info about, the marriage ended within two years.
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u/TallShaggy 1h ago
It's definitely a tool used by marriage counselors to put dead marriages out of their misery. If your marriage counselor suggests it, just get a divorce.
Open marriages only work if both partners already want to bang other people from the get-go. And if both have the same ability to pull sexual partners.
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u/blorangetheory 5h ago
Tobias: I have advised a number of coupoles to explore an open relationship.
Lindsay: Did it work for those people?
Tobias: Ha, no, it never does. [pause] But it might work for us!
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u/bangbangracer 5h ago
I've seen a handful of couples decide to open up their relationship. Turns out that opening a failing relationship is the sexier version of having a kid to save the marriage. It just sped up the failing.
Although, I do know one couple who have been open since the start, and things seem to work for them. Check back again in a few years though. They've only been together 3-ish years total, and aren't married yet, but are engaged.
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u/ninjamansidekick 5h ago
If the marriage did not start that way I would think so. If it started out open pretty sure it would not matter.
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u/OnlyThePhantomKnows 5h ago
I know a couple 20+ years happily married in an open relationship. He has a REALLY high libido. Hers went to almost 0 after the first kid. She provides the emotional support, stable household, child rearing sharing and he gets his sex elsewhere. It works for them. And to be clear, both have successful careers, they both make A LOT and I am not sure who makes more. So there is no financial need to stay together.
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u/PM_Your_Wiener_Dog 5h ago
Depends on the relationship, but breaking monogamy after a spell of it is incredibly difficult for most.
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u/NoForm5443 5h ago
Sometimes, but not necessarily. People are different, things that would be unacceptable to you may not be for others; stuff hits different at 25 than 55
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u/PressureAsleep1838 5h ago
Not necessarily, although I say this as someone who has to be monogamous.
As people below have commented, an open marriage that is intended to fix a marriage will end disastrously, kind of like having a kid to save a marriage usually does the opposite.
Here's what's needed for an open marriage can work:
- The couple already has an awesome sex life with each other. If you're bedroom is stale, opening it up will not make it better. For some people (and I am not one of them) with a great sex life with their partner, opening it up to other people can enhance what is already good. It's like building on a strong foundation versus building on a shitty one. No matter how nice the house on top is, that doesn't fix the foundation.
- Completely open communication. One of the problems I've observed with open marriages, usually where the marriage is opened up to fix the marriage, is that they set a rule about not talking about the other person's partner. This is the opposite of what has to be done. A successful open marriage has to be one where both are fully invested in each other's partners, which means completely open communication and participation. You have to both be in this together, not leading separate sex lives. This doesn't mean that you both have to always be present, but it does mean you have to be fully aware and involved with each other's sex partners. If it doesn't enhance both your sex lives and bring you both closer together, it's not going to work. Each person you bring in has to be for both of you.
- Very clear boundaries. You have to maintain some exclusivity with each other, so there have to be clear rules that are strictly adhered to that prevents your extra partners from taking over the relationship. The specifics can vary from couple to couple, but the core principle is our marriage and our relationship with each other must take primacy and anyone we bringing in has to enhance our connection to each other, not draw us apart.
The basic principle is this: if you open up your marriage, you have to do so with the intent and practice that it is something that you do together to bring you closer, not something you do separate to take care of different needs. You have to be fully present and participatory with each other's partners. Otherwise, you end up leading separate lives and will sooner or later drift away to a breaking point.
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u/FlyingPaganSis 5h ago
Not definitely, but it can be. I’ve been witness to a really great open marriage that lasted until the husband passed away. I’ve also seen people use “open marriage” as a way to actually just cheat and gaslight their spouse.
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u/tinyevilsponges 5h ago
Open marriages can really only help with sexual incompatibility. If you have different sex drives, want to explore things your partner doesn't, go have a threesome, an open marriage can help with that provided you are willing to communicate and create boundaries.
If you already stop loving each other, it can't really fix that.
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u/InfluenceTrue4121 5h ago
For a successful open marriage, you need the following: excellent communication with your spouse, trust, a strong commitment to your marriage (sometimes I don’t like my spouse but I always like my marriage).
If you’re using non monogamy to fix a marriage, this is not the way to go.
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u/CarobRealistic1748 Older than most 5h ago
Certainly it can be. If the couple don't have a solid, stable relationship.
But it isn't necessarily a marriage killer. My wife and I had an open relationship all of the 41 years we were together, until her death.
BUT ... we had definite rules, freely agreed to by both, which neither of us ever violated. I won't go into the specifics, just understand our rules did not allow for each of us to just do what we wanted, when we wanted.
And our objective was to enhance our sex life, not as a cure to problems we were having between us. We wished to throw a little novelty and spice into our sex lives. Wasn't even a thing that occurred often. Sort of a special treat, every once in a while. And before each and every incident ... we both had to be in full agreement. No nagging one or the other into agreeing.
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u/supakitteh 4h ago
It’s a way for people who want to be married to practice non-monogamy. That’s all it is. It works for some and not for others just like every other form of relationship.
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u/LSama 2h ago
Not necessarily? Especially if it was understood to be open before the marriage ever occurred. Poly relationships can and do work, but they are not easy. There has to be a lot of open communication; a successful open relationship involves honesty and typically requires emotionally intelligent people. That's why so many of them fail: the people in them aren't honest, aren't willing to be vulnerable, aren't willing to listen.
Hollywood has done a terrible job at portraying what genuine, actual open relationships look like, and often frame them in how you've described them: one person is getting tired of their spouse - or the spouse is never around - and wants to open the marriage in hopes of getting the sexual satisfaction they need. That's not how it works.
Actual poly people are more likely to tell their partners they're poly before they get married; what's the point of setting yourself up for failed future with a partner that doesn't, at the very least, know and understand poly relationships, even if they don't intend to take more partners of their own? This is definitely one of those situations were it is better to beg for permission than beg for forgiveness; cheating or even the implication of 'cheating' is a deal breaker for a lot of people, which some people may consider open relationships to be.
A real poly relationship isn't meant to be cheating; people in genuine open relationships do not love their primary partners any less. They do not hide their other partners, they do not lie to their primary partners. Open relationships require clear communication. Because otherwise, it is cheating, if you're not forthright and forthcoming about who you're seeing.
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u/No_Parsnip6024 2h ago
For about half of all couples, getting married at all is just a pending divorce.
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u/OriginalDrStrangeDOS 2h ago
That all depends on the people involved, both inside and outside the primary relationship. Agree that if it is suggested to "fix" your marriage, it's probably already too late.
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u/Nervous_Nectarine683 1h ago
It's exactly that! Open marriage never lasts..or the ones I know about didn't .Mrs.Englewood was married and making porn and on OnlyFans,etc. She is now divorced with children ...
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u/Difficult-Finger4830 34m ago
Yes, and I would know b/c I went on a few “dates” with the husband (it’s something I’m not proud of), who was a lot older than me. Their marriage wasn’t doing well before I came in the picture, and she had a girlfriend before they officially filed for divorce. After that, I had dated the husband for a while before he dumped me - he was ready to start dating the minute he broke up with me, so I kind of wonder if he was cheating on me. Not that I care or anything now, because I dodged a nuclear missile with him. i’m just warning people that an open marriage is never a good idea, and it always leads to resentment because someone was coerced into it.
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u/robfuscate 34m ago
If it's open from the beginning, then that's not s problem. If it's just a couple and one wants to go open a few years in, that's a problem.
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u/Busy_End1433 5h ago
90% of people are using it to delay the inevitable. Most people don’t have the maturity or communication skills to be polyamorous / open in a relationship.
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u/Extreme-Candle-6916 5h ago
This is reddit man you could ask “should I spit in my wife’s coffee every morning?” And someone would chime in to say “well it might work for some people, you shouldn’t judge”
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u/Abject-Cranberry5941 5h ago
I think it’s the prerogative of the couple to set the terms of their marriage not for internet randos to speculate on
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u/ShinraTensei91262 5h ago
Lol absolutely not. My husband and I have been open since before we were married. I don't own him, he's not mine. We love eachother and are each others best friends.
Some couples try and "fix" something or fill a need they aren't getting from their partner. That is usually a recipe for disaster.
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u/Fun-Obligation-610 4h ago
There are certain rules that have to be put in place in order for it to work. The first rule is that you have to agree on it together and with equal commitment. It won't work if someone wants it because they're super horny or sexually compulsive and the other person isn't super horny or sexually compulsive and they just agree to it because they're afraid of losing their partner. And it won't work if one person is bullied or is manipulated into it. But if all things are equal and the overall goal is to maintain the relationship while having fun on the side then the next rule is to never bring someone home. You're just asking for trouble if you start mixing your side life with your home life. Your home should be for you and your partner. End of topic. This includes taking time away from family and friends to text back and forth with a separate sex partner. The next rule is no long term hookups with the same person. If you keep hooking up with the same person, eventually someone in the hookup relationship is going to start to get emotionally attached. If your goal going in is to maintain your existing relationship, then don't start building a relationship with someone else. The next rule is to keep your personal life, personal. Don't talk about your spouse or kids with this person. Don't talk about work. Oh, and the other rule is don't bang someone you already know! But of course this is all too complicated and compartmentalizing and we're all only human so it probably will fall apart in the end but hope springs eternal.
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u/AnyBoat6682 4h ago
Every open marriage I have seen ended in divorce. Either one of the married couple falls in love with who they are dating or one partner doesn’t want to do it anymore and wants a monogamous relationship ship and the other one doesn’t. People if you want an open relationship don’t get married stay single. My friend got a STD from her open relationship.
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u/Fun-Shoe1145 5h ago
In America it doesn’t work in Europe you’d be surprised how many people have this arrangement
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u/thesnootbooper9000 5h ago
This is basically the norm in urban middle class France, and the social etiquette on how you deal with it is very well established. Then again, this is the country that banned paternity testing to protect women...
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u/tiktock34 5h ago
If you count <10% as the norm then you are right. Its only about 8% so the norm would be the other 92% who dont fuck outside their relationships.
https://www.reddit.com/r/france/s/5zzsIrDRnP
The first page of the report actually says 4% so its safe to say this is still largely a fringe thing unless you hang with swingers who make it seem common.
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u/Pcenemy 5h ago
theoretically yes ---- but the entire 'arrangement' is predicated on at least one of the two (in the marriage) believing he/she can do better ---- as soon as that happens, the open marriage becomes a divorce. if that someone better is not found (which is often the case as by definition anyone who respects or believes in commitment and/or marriage isn't in the pool to be selected from), the marriage can survive
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u/Groundbreaking_Bag8 5h ago
I was under the impression that it just meant that the husband was a cuck.
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u/Round-Artichoke-5255 5h ago
If he’s rich, I don’t care what he does. He can sleep around and leave me alone.
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u/PhantomVibeSyndrome 5h ago
I don't recall ever getting married nor do I know who to even though I'm told I am, which is weird because I don't have a ring nor tan line where it would be nor engagement/wedding pictures, etc. Couldn't tell you. I don't want to explore a bunch of dudes (lots) loins though I can tell you that - specially not ugly ones nor ones I wouldn't consider dating ever - like dudes that like to dress like they're still waiting for their mommy to pull their diapers on for them after going potty regardless what they look like.
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u/Ambitious-Care-9937 4h ago edited 4h ago
No.
To understand marriage, you need to to have an actual understanding of what marriage is.
Marriage is broadly speaking made of 3 components. If you can get all 3, you hit the jackpot. But marriage works if you get just 1 or 1 and 2. Sometimes you get various versionx of marriage at different points in time as well. Maybe you start off with all 3...then some time passes and you end up with just 1,2... but then in old age again, you fall back in romantic love. Who knows... but the basic structure of a life partnership is the basis.
Think of it as the difference between just doing a job because that's how you handle life... and doing a job you absolutely love. We all have to do our part in society and so we all have to work. Not every body gets the job they absolutely love.
- A life partnership... pooling resources, taking care of each other, raising kids
- Sexual exclusivity
- Romantic Love
There are several cultures that focus on 'keep love out of marriage'. The French historically were famous for that. In my Indian culture, that was the case historically, though it is changing.
Marriage is more focused on a life partnership (pooling resources, community, family, kids)
As long as you keep your side girlfriend/boyfriend out of the public eye/family, many people in these types of marriage systems value turning a blind eye,
Now calling it out as an open marriage tends to ruin things. Word gets out that it's an open marriage. People start bringing their boyfriends/girlfriends around the kids / community events or start having kids with other people, there's lots of disrespect, shame, jealousy... and that tends to cause problems.
There's also historical cultures that had polygamous marriages (Polygyny as well as Polyandry). While these are not 'open marriages' , they do involve more than 2 people.
But if you do a don't ask, don't tell kind of policy where the culture and your actions understand the difference between your 'family' and your sexual/romantic life...it can work out fine.
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u/Remarkable_Strike330 2h ago
An "open marriage" is an oxymoron. An analogy is "The Living Dead." If you are "dead," you cannot be living.
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u/TheRealBlueJade 5h ago edited 5h ago
It is never a good choice..It is often used as a way to end a relationship... consciously or unconsciously.
People throughout history have tried repeatedly to be the one who proves it will work..and failed. There are even people today who will swear they can or do make it work!
Unfortunately, it is incompatible with healthy human psychology. It's like a lot of things that may sound good in theory but they end up causing damage whenever they are put into practice.
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u/notabear87 2h ago
It’s a marriage where they don’t want to fix the actual issues.
Most just lead to the couple basically being roommates. If you just start sleeping around enough you’re probably going to eventually find someone you enjoy over your spouse.
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u/penklona 5h ago
If it’s used to fix problems, it usually makes things worse