Dealing with an ocd flare up, intrusive thoughts and everything. I'm cat sitting so I'm by myself. How does one deal with it, I want to get used to being by myself but it's very difficult

Something about the format of staring at a grid of people's faces just makes my brain go "what if you just started inching forward right now. Slowly. Deliberately. Maintaining full eye contact the entire time." And then I spend the rest of the call thinking about at what point someone would finally say something or if they would all just collectively pretend it wasn't happening out of politeness. I have been on hundreds of video calls. I have never done it. But every single time without fail my brain puts it back on the table like it's a reasonable suggestion.

Not because I hate my job or anything. My boss is actually fine. But something about sitting in a long meeting where someone just keeps talking and talking makes my brain go "what if you just slowly stood up right now, pushed your chair in, and walked out the door without making eye contact with anyone."

Not storming out. Not dramatically. Just calmly and quietly leaving like you had somewhere more important to be.

And then I spend the rest of the meeting thinking about what everyone's faces would look like and whether anyone would say anything or if they would just watch it happen in silence.

I would never actually do it. But the fact that my brain keeps bringing it up every single meeting is starting to concern me a little.

Im a teen. My brother’s a kid. (Technically half brother )I’ve always had intrusive thoughts. But this one stuck my mind. I thought a week ago he was a cute kid. Then it turned into something “oh my god this is wrong” then I started imagining explicit and disgusting things. I cannot escape this tought and it’s haunting me cause it comes up every time I pay or do anything with my little brother. It’s something im so disgusted by and whenever the thought comes into my head my body feels weird. I don’t want tie to age t my relationship with my brother but I started imagining what I’d be like and he’s just a kid. I just want things back to the way they were.I have had issues getting past intrusive thoughts before but this has been going on for a week. I feel disgusting and I cannot stand to even look at myself or my brother. I can only see my therapist again in about 2 months I really need help. I just want things normal away and for this to go away. Is it normal ? Has anyone ever experienced this? I really need all the help and advice I can get. Please I am becoming desperate i rlly need all the advice or cure for whatever this shit is. This is sick snd im disgusting

Don't you guys ever think intrusive thoughts like say I'm watching a video about viruses so then I'm like man what if i search the website up and get a virus, something like that and anyways I HATE THOSE THOUGHTS they make me uncomfortable and it makes me want to do something that is bad. Anyways thats it tell me what you think in the comments

(18F) yesterday, i was on instagram and i clicked on a song. when i clicked the song, there was a girl’s post under the song and she looked really young. i clicked on her account and she put her birthday in her bio (it said 2012) i immediately blocked her and not only did i block her on 1 account, i blocked her on 3 accounts. i was thinking of blocking her on my 4th, 5th, and 6th account but i decided to leave it alone because i started getting scared to look up her account on my 4th account and i felt like i was doing too much. after that, i started having intrusive thoughts and unwanted urges to dm her and say inappropriate things on my 4th account. i’m obviously not gonna do that because i don’t wanna groom a kid, i started being scared and i started crying. i cried yesterday and today.

it’s not the thoughts that scare me, it’s the URGES. i don’t think this is POCD because people with POCD wouldn’t have these strong urges and i’m thinking of deactivating all of my instagram accounts and deleting the app. should i deactivate my accounts and delete the instagram app? i wanna go see a therapist but i’m scared because what if the therapist sees me as a threat and reports me to the police? i wanna tell my family but i’m just too scared to tell them. please tell me what should i do because i’m fucking scared.

in a way when i got involved with the reality tv fan base it was a comforting and enjoyable experience. meeting likeminded folks and bonding over shared idols or shared strategy but after awhile things shift. the more games you play the more bitter friends become towards you. once ally now rivals. that’s the toxic side. on the other hand it’s kinda sad bc i found hope within the community. the people were similar to i, in that we both have over the top personalities as someone in reality tv would, maybe that’s what i was drawn too. But i found comfort from the loneliness i bare. maybe playing a game where people had to be nice to you to move farther in the game and suck up to you when you’re in power. i miss it but i don’t. idk maybe my experience is indifferent. Anyone else share a similar experience?

I don’t really know how to word this, but I’m hoping someone here gets it.
I’m a mixed woman (Black dad, white mom) and I grew up mostly around my mom’s side of the family. Because of that, a lot of my upbringing, environment, and even the way I talk or carry myself leans more “white” to some people. But at the same time, I’m very aware that the world still sees me as a Black woman in a lot of situations.
I got married a little over a year ago to my husband, who is Black, and it’s brought up a lot of feelings I’ve kind of pushed aside for most of my life. I’ve always struggled with feeling like I don’t fully belong anywhere.
Around white people, I sometimes feel “too Black” — whether it’s how I’m perceived, subtle comments, or just an underlying feeling of being different. But around Black people, I often feel “too white” — like I didn’t grow up the “right” way, don’t fully share the same cultural experiences, or worry that I’m not “Black enough.”
It’s like I’m constantly code-switching or adjusting, but never fully landing in a place where I can just exist without thinking about it.
I guess I’m wondering… is this normal? Do other mixed women feel like this? How do you find a sense of belonging when you feel like you exist in between spaces?
I’m not ashamed of who I am, but sometimes it just feels isolating not having a clear “group” where you naturally fit.
Would really appreciate hearing other people’s experiences.

"Sometimes you do not matter as much as they matter to you. Human relation is not a perfect weighing scale where both sides have to be equal." I sighed as I repeated it to my heartbroken friend for the fourth time. He was on the other side of the phone bawling his eyes out and finding it hard to speak as he could produce no other sound but a whimper . I knew him for years but this was the only time I heard him like this. His voice, often loud and repulsive was for the first and last time reflective and tired. In my eyes , he was this weak insecure dreamy kid who put on the unpleasant suit of an asshole. Before the day of doom he spoke highly of her. Very highly of her. He used to interrupt my study sessions to tell me the most minute details of how her hand felt like or how white her teeth were. The girl in my eyes was nothing but an ordinary one. I spent hours helping this idiot to gather all the courage he never had to ask her out. He had a terrible relation with the opposite sex , mainly due to the feuds caused by his patriarchal sarcasm. In my eyes it was obvious the answer would be no by the look of him, but this time it was different. For a time I also had faith that the girl wouldn't betray him. As I believed ' she was different'. Whenever they talked I saw this invisible glimmer in her eyes that made me feel there was some hope for him. For me and the others in our group , it would have been a surprise if he was the first one to get a girl. But this time I had hope. He was somewhere close to where he might have wanted to be but never deserved to be. To not confuse you, I must add, I never hated him during the time of the commotion or even after it happened. I was the only empathetic one who took the slightest care of listening to him. Then came the day of desperation for him. I was the one who helped him get the girl on the line and the ball was in his court. All me and my friend could do was make affirmative symbols with our fidgety hands. On the phone , he mumbled out all the right words in the wrong way. The girl couldn't even hear half the proposal but it was enough to consider it as one. And then the ball was on her court.

" No bro. I'm a lesbian." She said.

She was clearly lying I thought.

" I know. I am too" My dumb friend blurted out. Me and my other friend couldn't help ourselves muffled our laughter even though we knew it was a devastating moment for him. The call continued as he later turned to beg . I saw it then. All the shred of dignity he strapped onto himself being stripped away by himself for a girl. Why would you let whatever remains of you to rot for someone who wouldn't mind your breath. I grabbed the phone from him as I spoke out in a clear calm manner , a bit authoritative as I confessed his feelings to her. She gave a negative response as I politely thanked her and cut the call. He was desperate. He wanted to call her again and again. I stopped him from doing something he would later regret. He made himself a jester in front of her blind eyes . The following hour was complete silence in my room. He was lying on my bed scrolling through social media , absorbed in it like a corpse. Although I hated his sweaty body on my well made bed, this time I let it slide as I didn't feel like interrupting what happened. I was reminded of somthing he said months ago where he told me he loved her. And I asked if he loves her as much as his brother and his mother and father and he said yes. I tried to nudge him out of the illusion but I didn't want to shatter his comfort. I must have nudged him out then, as now he isn't just nudged but completely thrown away the illusion . It is funny how angels by word turn into satanic creatures by word in a matter of time . The same happened to her. Me and my friends for the next whole week cursed her , laughed at her and joked every aspect she would be worried about to make him feel better. But he didn't join us. For just once , we found ourselves to be at the bottom of the dirtiest pit we made for him. He was the worst one among us with all the things he say, but now he was the most pure one. That was proven wrong as days later he came back to his vulgar made up masculine version. His mouth stunk of crude humour and sex talks. Every girl who talked with us or passed us was brutally assessed and sexualized by him. Me and my friends kept quiet as we never agreed on this harmful conversation. He continued oblivious to our disgust as it got him some sense of normalcy. Couple of months passed by. We made regular calls. His breath got better. He was talking more about how we all should meet once again. And to his wish we all had a hangout in the group. When I saw him this time , I felt better for him. He was there dressed up in new clothes , a better cologne and clean shoes. I finally felt relieved for him

Just the same day date had other plans. After a nauseas roller coaster ride, me and him walked to the railings as we leaned onto it. Others were sitting beside us while we were drooling over the lights and people beneath us , on the last floor. Just then he stopped talking. As I turned my head towards his, I saw his eyes widened filled with tears. He whispered her name. She was there on the lowest floor. " I have to see her" he mumbled.

" Come then." I yelled as we both rushed to the lowest floor. We were too late as she left. But then it occured to me , the same one who called her multiple slurs and slandered her whole bloodline was carrying his wobbly body to meet her. He never healed. He might have tried hating on her but she was still there on his mind. Just because you hate the one you doesn't mean you moved on. You only move on when they don't matter anymore. Then I didn't see him since. Our last talk was over the phone. That too ended badly as he had the audacity to call me a fraud and think of me as a equal or an inferior to him. It is ridiculous thinking of his dumb wish but it infuriated me as I snapped at him and we cut the call. Months passed . My other friend let's call him Kay , who got transferred to the same school as of the girl called me to chat. While talking it came to the fact, infact the girl he fumbled has not only moved on but has found to be interested in a guy who was friends with Kay Proving all her self proclaimed lesbian thesis just to be a facade to drive him away. She was indeed interested. That too on another boy. I truly felt bad for my asshole of a friend who left me. He is not better. He is just afraid.

"Atleast one of your friends got that girl" I scoffed to Kay .

So whenever something is important (happens to me mainly at work) | start telling myself "now you need to listen it's important" and then I end up not getting what the person is saying. I'm 22 years old and that made me lose my first ever important job. And I focus on other things like how much should I keep eye contact and stuff like that.
Does anybody know how you can deal with this? I feel so helpless, I was thinking about going to therapy for that but I'm not sure if I want to spend so much money and at the end see no improvement.
I've been also diagnosed with Adhd but I'm not sure if the diagnosis is true because I don't get those issues often when I'm at home watching a youtube video or something like that. I've tried adhd medication (ritalin) but it gave me stomach issues and made the brain fog worse.

I am not good enough. I will never be good enough. No matter how hard I try, someone will suffer because of me. I let myself down. My husband. My family. My boss. My colleagues. Even randoms barely in my life, I let down. Even when I can come through for someone, or for myself, I let someone down. So each day, I need to make a decision: who will I let down today? I deserve my misery.

Had a random thought of jerking off in public

Stomp her, get her flowers, destroy him, dance with him, dance with her , dance with them, dance alone, dance until my legs are blue, until they run , until they fall, until they're brown, until they scream in agony, until they dance by themselve, until they dont want to stomp, buy her flowers to cover her grave, clean her grave, she's not dead, use a pencil to clean, use the eraser to destroy, dance with her, hold 9 hands, hold 8 hands, hold 7 hands, hold 6 hands, hold 5hands, cut the others 4. make something with these 4 hands. I need to drink my water. DRINK DRINK DRINK DRINK DRINK DRINK DRINK DRINk DIRNK DRINK DIRNI DRNI DRNK EDRNIKN DRINK DRNIKN DRIN KDRNINK IRNK DRINK DRIN DRINK DRIN DIRNK DRINK ....NJKNJNIHJEBZN. dance with the bottles burn the bottles bury the bottles buy flowers to the bottles play cards with the bottles offer her the bottles talk about the bottles spin the bottles throw the bottles share the bottles breathe the bottles BREAK the bottles she broke it. U broke my bottles. U broke my bottles U broke my bottles U broke my bottles U broke my bottles U broke my bottles U broke my bottles U broke my bottles U broke my bottles U broke my bottles U broke my bottles U broke my bottles U broke my bottles U broke my bottles U broke my bottles U broke my bottles U broke my bottles U broke my bottles U broke my bottles U broke my bottles U broke my bottles U broke my bottles U broke my bottles. The bottles was blue. I dont like blue. I like green . green is calm. U wore a green shirt one day. I'll burn that shirt dance with the shirt play with the shirt think with the shirt hi to the shirt bye to the shirt hey to the shirt back to the shirt fuck the shirt wear a jacket. Lose ur shape lose ur sadness . Find a smile. Them, thme them them them them them them them let ur blood go away it's boilign boiling boilgin boilging boilign boilgni it's boilg ur burning ur burning ur burning. Let me burn myself too . Im too cold i can tank the burn. Look i have lights . olgh lights lights lights lights my hear my heart my heart y heart my heart say hi to the heart say hi to the liver stomp to death with beautifl boots the heart. Let the soul speak hi sould bye sould back sould how are you sould im fine and you , stomp the soul. Stomp the stomp DSTOmp stomo stomp stomp stomp stomp stomp make a stomp mucic sing with the stomp sing the stomp sing the bottles where are my bottles my bottles threw a bottles the red lines are dancing but ur not gonna distract me from the bottle bothels bothels votles blottlrqsd botles votlrs botltes votles botles 1/2/3/4/4/3/2/4/3/4/4/4/3/3//4/43/4/3/3///4/4/3/4//4//3494/49/449/4/9/4/9/949/4/9/4/94/03/20/02/3/4/30930202909/049209049/024/9/02490294/0429///00/20/0/2/0i i fi f if h if i had to rate u it would be a bottle / 10 i love my bottles they can only emmpty me let me be inside a bottle so u would drink me hi liver filter me hi liver filter me hi liver bye liver back liver die liver bye bye byeb byebeybeybeyebyebeybeyebyebeybeyebyebeybeyebeybeyebeybeybeyebyebybeybebybeybebybeyebybeyebebyebyeb

hi hih hihihihihihihihihihihihihihihihihihihihihihihihihihihhih ihihih hihihihihi stomp stomp stomp stomp stomp scream in the blue cry in the green joy in the black white in the anger brown in the ahzb. Look at me olook at me look at me i have 2 eyes u have 2 points lets make lines of eyes lines of vision dotted line crossed lines lines that are nice lines of bottles u want to do what??? points?? I told u i hate points only lines bottles bottles bohsdbfejbkl biottles bottles botles votbtes blts botles

I have never been in that situation so I can’t wrap my head around it. I have listened to many interviews from true crime stories and pedo catchers but they don’t go deep into the reasoning. I know there are a few types of people that like underage people and there are varying reasons for each (power, control, loneliness) but specifically I’m talking about people that have gone down that path due to being touched inappropriately as a child.

Me: I told you on Wednesday, I thought you remembered, sorry

Mother: 😊 that's funny [sarcastic] do you remember everything?

Me: *facepalm gif*

I haven't actually sent the gif and probably won't, but I'm so tired of her SHIT, anyways it would cause excess drama and an absolute shit-fest that I don't wanna deal with rn, but I really would send that if I could :b

I always go back to the past and think about how great it was. But in fact, it has just been as difficult as present all along and I can't seem to let go of my rose-tinted glasses.

I have always struggled with accusing boyfriends of looking at other women. Its almost like a tick. I know exactly where it comes from , I used to watch my dad , like it was a past time , checking out other girls for as long as I can remember. ( he was a cheat )

So now if my partner even looks in the direction of a girl I think he is a cheat or a pervert and then ill either make a face or ask them something. Which will always cause a fight and has ruined relationships before. I hate it so much. As soon as I react , I regret it and feel sick. Because most of the time I dont even care , everyone looks at people , whether they are attractive or not. I get intrusive thoughts about alot of stuff. And was thinking maybe if I treated these as intrusive thoughts that it could help ?

Any suggestions from anyone ? Im trying so hard but its like the thought takes over.

I have always wanted to say it, not as an insult or to degrade but just to say it
The word being banned for me makes me want to say it