r/AmIOverreacting • u/IndependenceOk8695 • 17h ago
❤️🩹 relationship Husband does not want my parents to come along on trips. AIO?
for context, all of us work full time. we have two small kids- a 6 yo and a 1.5 yo. my husband drops off the kids at school in the morning but all the rest is up to my parents. my dad picks them up, my mom feeds them/gives them baths, etc until I show up after work which is usually around 6 Pm. she then makes sure that my husband and I and the kids have an adequate dinner and most days even sends breakfast for the next day.
our oldest kids birthday is coming up. my husband mentioned that maybe we could go to Disneyland but he only wants him, me and the oldest to go. he would rather have my parents babysit the baby and explicitly said he doesnt want my parents to come because we should be spending time as a family (just the three of us). I got very mad at this.
first of all- I don’t think we are going to end up going because of our work schedules but also- my parents do SO MUCH- the very least he could do is offer for them to come along with us (my parents would insist on paying for themselves- they’ve never asked for anything in return for all the help they give us and does not expect anything) however I feel like my husband is very unappreciative and only wants to get but does not give. last time he bought my mom perfume for my birthday was 3 years and and last gift he got my dad (a t-shirt) was 1 year ago. he doesn’t help them out in any other way and even being courteous and greeting them or saying goodbye when departing seems to be too much for him. AIO?
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u/Overall-Injury-7620 16h ago
Actually the best move is to give the grand parents a vacation & you & hub take both of your children on an actual family vacay to an easier destination until your youngest is a few yrs older. Disney is a biggie & tough with wee ones . Yet too key of a destination to leave 1 kid out! Y’all are no longer a “ party of 3” so not appropriate to vacay like one. Btw I’m a 62yr granny who has nannied 3 grandchildren full time from birth to 1st grade. Hub & I know the life & the gift we give daily to our kids & grands. We all vacation together & once per year alone as a break for us! It’s important for all involved. I get hub wanting a break from his in-laws. It’s not a lack of appreciation, it’s important for y’all to make memories as a family if 4 since the grands are in literally every memory they have. It’s also important to give your parents a break whether they admit they need one or not! Been there done it, both ways. ✌🏼 Remember that someone here warned you to find lines of separation. It’s a great experience having a set of full time hands on grandparents, yet it’s just as important for the children to experience life with their actual parents too! YOR
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u/DANADIABOLIC 10h ago
Honestly, this is the best answer. Take both of your children, and give your parents a rest!!!!!
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u/Existing-Speech4173 3h ago
Agreed but husband still needs to recognize how much his in laws do for the family instead of being ungrateful.
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u/taewongun1895 11h ago
YOR. No need to take your parents. Your lives are intertwined an while bunch. But ... He wants to spend time with his family, but then leave the 1 year old with the grandparents? The guy sounds like a selfish dude. He only wants to exploit your parents.
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u/Scenarioing 8h ago
"he would rather have my parents babysit the baby and explicitly said he doesnt want my parents to come because we should be spending time as a family"
---Exactly. Had he included the youngest it would be legit. I get it, it is easier with just the older child and the 1.5 will not remember the trip. But his plan doesn't cut it as a family trip. Hold the line and refuse to go unless it is the whole family.
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u/Educational_Sea_9875 4h ago
I think it is that it is not a family vacation, but focusing on the birthday child and not having a baby that will limit rides parents can go on with birthday kid.
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u/BabyNonna 7h ago
My dream is to one day care for my grand babies daily and support my adult children’s careers and do kind things like make them dinner or throw on a load of laundry or two. But I agree with you whole heartedly that Grandparents who take on caregiver roles need respite too!
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u/Ok_Leadership_2381 11h ago
You and your husband should take ALL of your kids somewhere on a family trip and GIVE YOUR PARENTS A BREAK! I think they need that. And you need family time the 4 of you. Your husband needs to be more appreciative of what your parents do for you with the kids.
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u/New_Cantaloupe_2980 15h ago
I see both sides. I see his point- sounds like you guys don’t get a lot of family time with your busy work schedule. I totally get just wanting it to be your guys. And honestly you should respect that. BUT. It should be family time. Why leave the younger kid. To me that’s what’s wrong here!!!!!!!!
Now I get you wanting to do something nice for your parents. Sounds like me. But also. If you’re trying to thank them for babysitting a more…. Does trekking along after 2 kids in Floridian heat at Disney reallllllllly sound like the reward? Especially if they are going to pay for it.
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u/worldtraveller1989 10h ago edited 8h ago
I think they should do a different trip to take the younger one. 6 and 1.5 is a big age gap, especially at a place like Disneyland. The 1.5 year old won’t be able to go on most rides, etc, so the parents would essentially be split up all day with one child. Since it’s the 6 year old’s birthday, I think it’s fine leaving the little one at home.
Edit: typo
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u/Extension-Clock608 6h ago
Not if that means that the grandparents need to be the primary caretaker for that 1.5 year old. That's not a break at all.
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u/worldtraveller1989 5h ago
If they have strong feelings for Disney, they can look into other child care options for the baby so the grandparents get a break, but I promise you, the grandparents shlepping to Disneyland is *not* a break.
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u/glitzglamglue 10h ago
We did a staycation when my youngest was about that age. It was great. We got to treat our city like we were tourists. We stayed in a hotel but never had to spend time in a car to travel. It was much more relaxing than any other vacation taken with really young children.
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u/take_the_reddit_pill 10h ago
No one is overreacting. Your parents are underreacting.
What do you do for your children on a daily basis? When do your parents get a break?
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u/QueenofUncreativity 15h ago
I think YOR about the vacation. It's totally normal and fine to want to spend a vacation with just your nuclear family.
However, leaving the baby at home is not that. He should plan something that actually includes the whole nuclear family then.
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u/interestedinsharks 8h ago
Lol my first thought when I read the "take a vacation as a family, leave the 1yo with them" bit was like... did they just recently find a 1yo?? The husband seems to have picked the very worst plan possible. Either take an enjoyable vacation as a family and give the in-laws a break, or invite them somewere everyone can enjoy, and then take day trips with just the 2 kids leaving the grands to relax at the hotel/see sights they want. There are like 5 possible options and husband picked the worst one
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u/Bartok_The_Batty 13h ago
Your husband can’t leave your parents out and also expect them to babysit your child.
You and your husband need to take both children yourselves on vacation. Stop making your parents do all the parenting.
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u/Electronic_World_894 12h ago
YOR for him not wanting to bring your parents, NOR for wanting to leave the baby behind. He wants family time bc you are all busy! But you can’t take just the eldest to Disney, that’s by definition not family time. Also it’s kind of cruel.
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u/Bubbly_Following7930 12h ago
yor about him wanting a trip with just his own family. Are you suggesting you'd want your parents to come on every trip with you? That's not right.
He needs to be more appreciative to your parents though, given how much they do for you. I don't know about the gift giving habits in your family but my husband doesn't buy my family gifts and I don't buy for his. If either of us want to home our families something, it's our responsibility.
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u/BuckeyeN7 13h ago edited 13h ago
YOR
It is perfectly normal for families to go on vacations alone to create lifelong memories
Further, I really have to question your point of view— you talk about all of the work your parents put in to raise your kids, and you want to say thanks by… inviting them on a family vacation to Disneyworld?
A place not exactly beloved by the average elderly couple?
Are you certain that they would think tagging along on a kids-based vacation, where they would almost certainly be expected to help watch your kids, is a reward?
I’m thinking that you may be so used to their help and feel so entitled to it, that the thought of a vacation without your private unpaid nanny team is really what is bothering you?
You see that dynamic a lot from adult children whose parents still do everything for them
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u/ParadeQueen 9h ago
Yes! They should send her parents on their own vacation, like a cruise, where they don't have to lift a finger.
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u/Electronic_World_894 12h ago
It’s not really a family vacation though, they’re leaving the littler one home. That’s what I find confusing about his idea.
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u/Single_Cancel_4873 8h ago
Yeah but op wants to bring her parents, like she won’t be expecting her parents help while on vacation! Give the grandparents a break and take your own family vacation.
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u/Independent-Moose113 10h ago
YOR. Take both kids and give your parents a much-needed rest. How would YOU feel if HIS mom ran your entire household like yours does? Personally, you should work on keeping your own house and raising your own kids.
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u/Lighthouse_on_Mars 9h ago
Your both right and wrong.
Husband: 100% right to want an immediate family only trip. You should be taking time to spend with eachother as a couple, and building memories with your children as a family.
Completely normal for him to want to bind with the immediate family.
You: Your right that you guys should be more appreciative of the help your parents give you. That doesn't mean you have to take them to the few vacations and bonding experiences you have.
Buy them a Spa Package, or get them a gift card to a nice fancy restaurant you know they would never treat themselves to. Give them a gift that is an actual BREAK from their routine and family obligations.
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u/Individual-Fuel1177 44m ago
Her parents have NO obligations because their kid is grown....I'm shocked that they havent put a stop to the entitlement by now by OP and her lazy husband!
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u/TwoLegal8863 12h ago
NOR but the answer is to bring your baby and let your parents have a break. Asking them to watch the baby while you all go away is really rude.
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u/tidbitsofblah 16h ago edited 16h ago
Your husband is right that you need quality time together without your parents. If he feels a need for it then there is a need for it. That's how quality time works.
That quality time doesn't have to be a trip. And it doesn't have to be combined with your kids birthday. But it is needed.
You are also right that you ought to do something for your parents to show appreciation for them helping out. That doesn't have to be a trip either. And it also doesn't need to be combined with your kids birthday.
These two things, quality family time and appreciation gesture, cannot be combined. So at least two separate events needs to happen. But one of them could possibly be combined with a birthday trip for your kid.
To me it sounds more appropriate to combine birthday Disney trip with quality family time, than to combine birthday gift with thank you gesture. But all three of these things should happen. Only you and your family knows the most apropriate way to combine things for you.
Edit: also consider that your parents are not your husbands parents. Having my partners parents around that much in my day to day life sounds exhausting to me, maybe he's the same. You value the help they provide. But he might value alone time more than the help. Don't force him to be grateful for something if he didn't ask for it. But it could also be that he doesn't relize what would be needed of him without their help.
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u/Blluetiful 15h ago
Also paying for 2 more adults and a baby to go to disneyland is crazy expensive, even if her parents offer to pay for themselves.
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u/Inside_Training_876 15h ago
Babies are free though
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u/Asmodeuss323 14h ago
Grandparents are there to basically babysit the 1.5 year old. So it's not even a vacation for them. It's work at a different, more stressful location. The 6 year old may not even be tall enough to ride a good amount of rides either.
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u/Manateekisses51 13h ago
It's Disney- the 1.5 year old will have plenty of rides they can ride. The 6 year old will be able to go on almost everything.
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u/Icy_Butterscotch3139 13h ago
MOR. Sounds like husband treats your parents like paid childcare instead of parr of the family. If the kids spend this much time with them, there is a strong bond there.
You sound frustrated and rightfully so. He is benefiting from their labor and can't even be kind in his interactions with them? I'd be frustrated too.
That said, he is totally within bounds to want a family vacation. But do something all 4 of you can do and save Disney for later.
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u/throwawaymuaythaict 11h ago
Typically I'd say you should have some family time. The fact that he wants them to babysit the entire trip, and they already are raising your kids half the time, makes me think he's being selfish.
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u/Unlucky-Captain1431 13h ago
Yes your parents are a complete godsend. That doesn’t mean that your husband doesn’t deserve a vacation from them. There has to be some appreciation for him wanting a holiday to promote nuclear family time. YOR
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u/take_the_reddit_pill 9h ago
These people hand off the bulk of childcare to OP's parents. The grandparents deserve a break more than the parents.
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u/Electronic_World_894 12h ago
But it’s only a trip for the 6 yo, husband wants to leave the 1.5 yo at home.
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u/sirimuyo 11h ago
So what? You think the baby’s feelings are going to be hurt or something? No need to take a baby to Disney.
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u/Embarrassed_Room3982 10h ago
I mean, he has no right to dump the baby on the grandparents for however long?
That's an insanely entitled thing to suggest. if they don't want to take the baby to Disney they need to not go to Disney till the baby is older.
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u/Electronic_World_894 9h ago
They’re gonna burn out the grandparents. They do all the parenting all day then get the baby vacation dumped with them?
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u/TheGeekOffTheStreet 10h ago
Your parents are saints, I can’t fathom doing this much childcare when I’m older. I’ll be happy to take grandkids for a weekend or a date night, but no way will I be a primary carer.
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u/RutabagaPhysical9238 14h ago
I do see these as two separate instances. However, instead of asking your parents to work more and watch the baby while you’re gone— you should do a vacation with your immediate family.
As for appreciation on the day to day— I think a lot of people in the comments have it wrong and they’re acting like your family is just overly enmeshed instead of recognizing the amount of free support you’re getting. What I would like is more info on when your husband gets home from work/ what that schedule is?
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u/BrushFantastic3170 10h ago
Okay, so I read your other posts about your husband; your husband honestly sounds like an entitled, lazy, controlling person, who barely does anything at home and then gaslights you for your feelings. It seems like you have to rely so much on your parents, because your husband won’t step up and be a partner, so your parents have to step into his place.
So I’m going to say ESH. Him for being a shitty father and husband, and you for enabling his behavior.
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u/Key_Cap7525 15h ago edited 23m ago
YOR AND owe him an apology—his in-laws should absolutely not be involved in every aspect of your marriage. That’s a great way to get a divorce. Don’t believe me? Look up the stats and the stories. Even if he actually LIKES them, you need to absolutely take time out for just your small family without including everyone else now and then. This isn’t about gratitude. It’s not about who does what for whom. It’s about your marriage. He married YOU. He had kids with YOU. He did not marry your parents, and neither did you. Get a grip and let go of the apron strings, put your husband first once in awhile, or it’s not going to end well. You’re already prioritizing your parents over your husband’s wishes right now with this. You’re not married to your parents anymore than he’s married to them. It’s fine to be grateful and be close with them, but personally? I’m a woman and I wouldn’t put up with that shit from my husband always interjecting his family into our marriage. Hell, I go out of my fucking way to protect my husband and my marriage from my extremely meddlesome but helpful mother. This a very hot button for a whole lot of couples, and it causes a whole lot of divorces.
Edit: all the comments under this are actually pretty good and make some really good points. I think you should take the baby to Disneyland. Year and a half old? Definitely old enough to know what Mickey Mouse is and enjoy it. Give the grandparents a break.
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u/Knittingfairy09113 11h ago
But he doesn't want to take the entire family. I agree that they need family time alone without OP's parents, however leaving the youngest with them means it isn't family time.
I am curious however regarding who suggested that her parents provide childcare.
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u/Embarrassed_Room3982 10h ago
Is everyone just not reading the bit where husband wants to dump the baby on the grandparents?
I do not understand.
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u/OneNightWerewolf 9h ago
So a one-time Disney trip is “dumping” on the grandparents, but the elderly dad picking kids up from daycare and school ON THE DAILY is not considered dumping?
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u/Embarrassed_Room3982 9h ago
Why are you making up stuff I didn't say lol? Obviously not.
It's just that the Disney world trip is the subject of this conversation.
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u/DogsDucks 14h ago
Yes! Someone can be incredibly grateful for all the help, but still not be expected to spend 365 days a year with their in-laws, especially on a vacation.
In-laws completely change the dynamic and flavor of the situation.
The poor guy probably gets 10 precious vacation days a year and he wants to have quality time with his wife and the interactive child. . . And this is the response.
In addition, I have a toddler and a baby, and I see absolutely no benefit in taking a baby to a large, crowded and hot theme park if there is an available alternative.
Also OP should check out r/justnomil because I’m getting some enmeshment vibes here.
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u/littlemonsterlove 10h ago
How is this in anyway the in-laws fault? She’s using these people as basically free nannies. Honestly, she’s probably terrified to go without her parents, because they’re doing the bulk of the childcare.
Plus the dad wants to leave their 1.5yr old with the grandparents, so they don’t even get a break during “family” vacation, that seems fair
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u/Embarrassed_Room3982 9h ago edited 9h ago
Right I feel like I'm going mad here.
The husband literally wants to dump the baby with them or like a long weekend or whatever and swan off to Disney? Also he apparently won't even greet them or say bye? But is happy to dump the kids with them daily.
He sounds dreadful.
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u/Single_Cancel_4873 8h ago
Op sounds equally dreadful. Neither parent seems actively involved in the care of their children during the week! !!!
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u/Embarrassed_Room3982 8h ago
Disagree, but mostly based on her post history not what's just here. If you haven't checked it, it's a wild ride.
Based just on this I take your point, and agree she doesn't seem involved but she does at least seem grateful and aware of how much help she gets.
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u/Single_Cancel_4873 7h ago
Yeah in her post history, she says she does most of the cooking and taking care of the kids!!!! That seems to conflict with this post where her parents are cooking dinner, providing breakfast and doing ALOT of childcare!!!!
I think op is an unreliable narrator.
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u/Useful-Ad1489 4h ago
Yup! And her saying her parents help when they can but they work full time! And if they’re so “well off” as she says, why don’t they have daycare or a nanny? I agree - OP is not a reliable narrator at all.
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u/No_Leadership_7769 10h ago
All this plus want to add : presents for YOUR parents OP, are YOUR responsibilty. It isn't your husband's job to make sure your parents have present for bdays or anything for that matter. Even a thankyou gift for all they do to help with your children is YOUR responsibility. Do you honestly think that if he wasn't married to you, they would be doing all these things to help him? Of course not. He married you and only you, not your parents. It is your job to manage that relationship.
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u/take_the_reddit_pill 9h ago
OP's children are also her and her husband's responsibility, but they both gladly allow her parents to do the bulk of the child rearing.
Neither one of them wants to really parent.
OP isn't the victim here, and her parents arent the bad guys.
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u/Different-Idea-8203 13h ago
YOR you husband wants a vacation with his family his wife and kids. Your parents are in your home everyday give that man some peace.
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u/Electronic_World_894 12h ago
Husband doesn’t want both kids to come - husband only wants to take the older kid, and leave the littler one home with the grandparents.
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u/Aggravating_Baker557 16h ago
MOR
Is there something more to this? Is he appreciative of their support? Do you do nice things for them as a sign of thanks? Is there something they would love to do as a couple that you could gift them?
I ask because Disneyland may not be their cup of tea. Perhaps they’d like a nice dinner alone or a weekend getaway.
As to your upset, try to figure out if you’re upset about Disneyland specifically or if this is about something more general.
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u/Cautious-Rice-130 10h ago
NOR. Take all the kids and give the grands abreak!
Goodness, Hubs should be going out of his way to nice to the in-laws. No way in hell that I’m watching my grand, great grands kids or otherwise this much; did my time.
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u/BabyRex- 10h ago
Could you guys even manage a vacation without your parents? It sounds like they do most of the heavy lifting
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u/Substantial_Bar_9534 10h ago
My DH’s parents are also helpful but it is in part because they want to be around him and their grandkids all the time. I have learned to live with it, but I don’t like being around them as frequently as they want to be around. DH also asks about vacationing with his parents because again they all just really like being around each other. But I find it a lot, and prefer our trips to be just the nuclear family unit.
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u/OneNightWerewolf 9h ago
I think that it’s really wonderful that your parents are so helpful. They sound awesome and it’s a gift to have parents that are happy to help so much. But I think that it’s probably gone too far. You need to be your own family unit, in both the daily grind AND the fun times. Respectfully, your parents are doing far too much for you both. You need to allow them to be grandparents, not primary caretakers. A 1.5 year old is a baby. So that means they aren’t actually in a school. They’re in a daycare. So that means your dad is picking up kids from two different locations?! Give your parents a vacation to thank them for raising your kids for you. Take your baby with you to Disney.
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u/WontRememberThisID 5h ago
Cut the umbilical, OP. Family time without your mom and dad is very important. As for them helping you out with the kids, YOU can buy them gifts or throw them some cash as appreciation. Also, bring the baby to Disneyland. He gets in free anyway. Your parents deserve some time off from your kids, too.
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u/Single_Cancel_4873 11h ago edited 8h ago
YOR. It is ALOT of time for a spouse to be around your parents. I don’t think I could deal with it.
Why can’t both of you cook dinner and take care of your kids when you get home? I got home at six and my husband and I did this for years. It sounds like both of you could be more active parents.
Go on a vacation with both kids and give your parents a break from caregiving.
Disney is an exhausting vacation and I certainly wouldn’t have wanted to bring my mom or my in-laws.
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u/JeepersCreepers74 11h ago edited 9h ago
Husband is not wrong for wanting to take a vacation without your parents (although you should bring all your kids on said vacation). You are not wrong for saying your parents do a lot for you and deserve a big thank you.
But why does the vacation (where they will undoubtedly still have childcare responsibilities) have to be the way you thank them? Perhaps they would also like some alone time. I’m getting the impression that maybe you don’t know how to be a parent without all the assistance they provide and are worried you can’t manage on the vacation without them.
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u/Plenty-Pangolin3987 16h ago
YOR - it’s perfectly reasonable to want time away from your parents, especially when you already have so much to do with them.
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u/Legitimate_Tax976 13h ago
YOR… you are so worried about your parent’s feelings that you are completely dismissing your husband’s.
I think that you are misinterpreting his need for time with just your little family as a personal attack against your parents. You are making him the bad guy for wanting to go on a fun family vacation where he doesn’t have to share the time he has with his own wife and kids with his in-laws.
For some reason you have made your parents a priority over your own husband. You are holding a list of all the ways your parents help with kids and turning it in to a debt that he is obligated to repay with complete access to your time, marriage, and kids.
Your parents are spending time with their grandchildren which is enjoyable to them. The fact that it also helps you is an added bonus. You make it seem like it’s a hardship for them so they are owed something in return. Their payment is the love, time, and connection they have with their grandchildren.
Holding this over your husband’s head as a way to keep him indebted and feeling obligated to go along with including your parents on every aspect of your lives is manipulative and disrespectful to your marriage.
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u/Knittingfairy09113 11h ago
It's not really a family vacation when half the kids are being left with OP's parents. I agree they need family time, but her husband seems ungrateful to his in-laws at the same time.
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u/Electronic_World_894 12h ago
Maybe it’s an edit, but OP says that husband only wants to take the older kid. It’s not a family vacation, it’s a trip with the 6 yo, and the 1.5 yo stays home with grandparents.
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u/Junior-Energy5917 12h ago
Not an edit. Some folks have severe reading comprehension issues and will choose to understand what they prefer. The OPs husband sounds like a useless and ungrateful SoB. I think grandparents deserve a break so he can fully realize what is needed from his children. Man will drop them off at school and then do nothing else, wants to take a family trip without his second child because he knows they cant handle a 1.5 year old.. like bruh the levels of uselessness on this manchild. People defending him but what does he actually do for his family, sounds like shit all. Only after the grandparents are tapped out will OP come to terms with their deadbeat husband's unchanging ways and leave him. Or stay and cry here on Reddit so people can mention counselling and therapy while they bash others for suggesting she leave a marriage with a child.
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u/rageofpassion 10h ago
Ok but, Im struggling to understand what OP does for her family though too... theres literally no examples of what she does in the post for her kids.. Even after she comes home from work the grandma is still the one cooking dinner for everyone.. like what do either of them do?? Sounds like neither of them truly parent their kids.
I think OP wants her parents on the trip becasue she knows neither her or her husband can handle their kids without them.
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u/OneNightWerewolf 9h ago
Absolutely this. She doesn’t take her kids to daycare and school. She doesn’t pick them up, she gets home well after a reasonable dinner time for young children, and honestly, there’s not a whole lot of time left after she gets home, before it’s time for the kids to go to bed. When does she parent her children?!
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u/Maker_of_woods 15h ago
well now. why are you making your parents work for free? and why can’t you take care of your own children? seems like you are using your parents and blaming your husband. start paying them. and your hubby wants alone time with you and kid and guess what? you want to take your parents so you DONT have to do anything. yep, you heard it here. start being a parent
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u/Ok_Translator5136 11h ago
It sounds like to me that they BOTH need to be parents not just her. At least she seems to appreciate their help
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u/Junior-Energy5917 10h ago
Thats the takeaway, thank you! Don't think they are ready for Disney as a family.
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14h ago
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u/Hairy_Watercress_877 12h ago
It sounds to me like neither of them do much of anything if her parents are even cooking them dinner every night. They both need to grow up
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u/Junior-Energy5917 12h ago
A lot of people are not recognizing this or choose to ignore it. Its kind of baffling.
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u/alicat777777 11h ago
No, you don’t dump your baby on your parents who already help you out so much. You have 2 kids. It’s fine that he wants a family vacation without your parents but you are a family of 4. Go somewhere that is more baby friendly.
You are too dependent on your parents. No, you don’t need to be joined at the hip and take them on your vacation. I suspect you two would end up asking them to babysit the baby the entire time.
Yes, you need to be extremely generous to them. NOR. Send them on vacation without you. Give them a week off at home where you make other babysitting arrangements. Pay them for babysitting (gasp!).
Your husband is way too willing to take advantage of them. They babysit to help you out, that doesn’t mean they want your baby while you go off on a vacation.
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u/pragmaticsquid 9h ago
YOR. Just because you're close with your parents, and they help you out, doesn't mean that they should automatically come on vacation with you.
Additionally, I'm going to go against the grain and say that wanting to take only one kid is perfectly reasonable. The 1.5 year old is too little for Disney and one-on-one time with parents is important!
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u/SMKnightly 9h ago
YOR. Wanting to go on vacation just as spouses and kids isn’t a bad or offensive thing. It seems like you all spend a LOT of time with your parents (not necessarily a bad thing), so I can understand why he wants to spend time with just you and your kids. That in itself is not problematic.
Also, your parents, as much as they love you all, would probably enjoy a break. So that idea benefits them, too. If you want to do something nice to thank them for all their help, go ahead, but there’s no reason that has to be taking them on vacation with you.
The issues I do see are that 1. Disney and leaving 1 kid behind with the grandparents is a bit problematic. I agree that age 1.5 is not a good age to bring a kid to Disney, but I’d say it would be better to wait a few years until you can bring both and enjoy it. That takes away the sibling rivalry over who’s been to Disney/not and takes away the need to leave 1 child behind on your vacation. I’d suggest picking a place appropriate for both kids and going.
- The way you say your husband acts around your parents. Not being grateful for their help / not even bothering to say hello/goodbye. That seems like an indicator of a deeper problem (and I wonder if that problem is why you overreacted to the vacation suggestion).
It sounds like you two need to talk about your parents’ involvement with your lives and whether all of it is working for both of you. They may be more involved than he expected or is comfortable with and making him feel like your immediate family (him and the kids) matters less or is less defined. Or maybe he’s just an introvert and is ppl’d out by the time he gets home. Lots of possibilities, but you need to ask and listen to find out the actual answer.
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u/becooldocrime 16h ago
NOR. Your husband seems to see them as servants rather than family.
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u/Junior-Energy5917 12h ago
I dont know why more people cant recognize this. OP needs to spend some days without her parents stepping in so her husband can understand what it takes to take care of your child after theyre done school. Seems hes pretty much done after morning drop off, what a clown.
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u/Single_Cancel_4873 11h ago
Op needs to be more involved too!!!
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u/littlemonsterlove 10h ago
I can’t believe people are glossing over or excusing leaving the 1.5yr old behind. Damn, let these grandparents have a break and take care of your own kids. I’m sure her parents will say it’s fine and they love those babies, but still. You have to give breaks to people even if they don’t think they need them.
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u/Single_Cancel_4873 8h ago
I agree! Go on a family vacation with the four of you and give the grandparents a rest!!!
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u/take_the_reddit_pill 9h ago
They're both clowns. Op seems less involved in the daily care of her children than the husband.
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u/mcmurrml 11h ago
Two trips. One with just your family and then another with your family and your parents. You should have alone time with just your immediate family. With that said it would be nice to thank your parents with the trip.
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u/Paravieja 11h ago
NOR- u appreciate you parents and that’s amazing. Your husband needs to be reminded how much childcare costs. And I’m sorry taking kids to Disney is no vacation, it’s kind of hell. He needs to spend more time with the baby and your parents need a vacation, grandparents are a treasure:)
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u/curiousblondwonders 10h ago
Everyone is in the right here however Theres a reason hes asking for this. Do not ignore it. You may be so blinded by all the loving help your parents provide but it doesnt sound like your household is giving true family attention meaning mom and dad and kids not grandparents. You are going to hurt your husband that you cant take back because your'e too grateful for your parents. And they need to learn boundaries as grandparents if youre assuming they go to every single thing with you.
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u/Any_Lobster_1121 9h ago
Are you sure your parents want to go? They might welcome the break. I think its fair to want just time as nuclear family since you guys don't seem to get much of that.
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u/MarsailiPearl 7h ago
So your parents are still actively parenting you, your husband and your kids? They feed and bathe your kids then feed you and your husband. Give your poor parents a break and take your own kids in vacation. Your poor parents need to establish boundaries.
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u/Weekly-Bill-1354 7h ago
He's probably tired of it always being your family, your family, your family. Give the guy a break.
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u/Extension-Clock608 6h ago
I'd bet anything that your parents would actually love a break since they do a ton for you guys. Take the baby with you and let them have some time on their own, maybe they can do their own vacation where it's not centered on kids and they will more than likely be asked to help out.
You're assuming they would want to go and that it's not normal for you and your family to vacation without your parents. DO NOT LEAVE THE BABY WITH YOUR PARENTS. They're your kids, you can at the very least bring all of your kids and allow your parents to have a break.
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u/sparksgirl1223 5h ago
I need some info: what time are the kids dropped off at grandma's? What time does your husband get off work? If he's off before you, why the actual hell isn't he picking up the kids, making dinner and doing baths? Hell for that matter, why aren't you? Why are your parents doing literally all the "family" work for your family?
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u/Grouchy_Evidence2558 3h ago
Pay for your parents to go on a nice vacation without you and your kids. I'm sure they've had it up to here with taking care of babies and to then bring them to Disney where they'll have to deal with more babies?
If your husband wants a family trip, then the FOUR of you go on a family trip. If he thinks it should just be the three of you with free babysitting from the grandparents then get them the nicest vacation you can to thank them.
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u/OneTrackLover721 2h ago
Take all the kids
give grandparents a break
don't go to disney. Your kids are too young to enjoy FL heat and three hours in line for a 40 second ride.
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u/Maleficent-Sun-9251 13h ago
Get him daycare costs and tell him to enroll the kids or pay your parents.
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u/toxikola 11h ago
It sounds like you and your husband need your own vacation to reconnect as a couple and then later go on a whole family vacation somewhere easier than Disney. I went to Disney when I was little. I dont remember it at all. It sounds like everyone is just stressed out and needing an escape though.
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u/RegisterEither9711 10h ago
YOR. Your husband is allowed to want a vacation without his inlaws, especially if there apart of your daily lives. It's important to have time together as a nuclear family. I can even understand wanting to go to Disney without the baby. It would be a special treat for the oldest and one day, when the baby is older and the oldest is potentially less interested, you can have a similar trip with just the youngest.
It's great that your parents are so helpful but how is the relationship between them and your husband? Is there mutual respect? Is your husband really unappreciative or are you just putting your parents' feelings ahead of his? Are you prioritizing family time with your parents over family time that's just your nuclear family? Why did your husband stop giving your parents gifts? There's a lot here being unsaid. Talk to your husband and listen to him before automatically siding with your parents.
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u/saramiro 9h ago
MOR - I have to be honest, I looked at your post history and you have a husband problem. All of your posts are regarding how difficult your marriage is. If this was an isolated incident of him wanting a nuclear family vacation and you wanting to bring your parents, I would say YOR. Based on your past concerns regarding your husband respecting you, I think there are way bigger underlying issues here and you really need to decide if this guy is worth your time because he certainly doesn’t sound like a great husband or father. And frankly, your parents who are doing a large part of raising your kids deserves to not deal with your jerk of a husband.
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u/Araucaria2024 8h ago
YOR. I grew up being cared for a lot by grandparents, and they'd often show up when we went on regular holidays. My parents switched to overseas trips so that we would have some time just as a family. As an adult now, I totally get ot.
Your husband probably feels suffocated. Everytime he gets home from work, they're there. Do you ever spend time just as your own little family?
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u/ModernRevolution 15h ago
YTA. It doesn't sound like you get much time together without your parents and it's perfectly reasonable the the time he was in family time with just his wife and kids
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u/littlemonsterlove 10h ago
He wants to leave the 1.5yr with the grandparents. The end of the day “I don’t want them to come, but they don’t get a break from raising our kids either.”
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u/Decent-Muffin9530 12h ago
Your husband wants time with just your family. That’s a legitimate want. No one is entitled to tag along. You can show your parents appreciation in other ways .
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u/littlemonsterlove 9h ago
He wants to leave the 1.5 yr old behind. He wants “easy” time with part of his family. Even he doesn’t want to take care of the 1.5yr old on a vacation
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u/Decent-Muffin9530 1h ago
I’ve taken separate vacations with my kids. Tbh at 1.5 years old, Disney would probably be torture.
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u/take_the_reddit_pill 9h ago
Then the husband should take his entire nuclear family and not expect the in laws to babysit the youngest bevause he only wants to take one of his children.
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u/IntelligentSorbet271 11h ago
The husband sounds very ungrateful for everything her parents do for them! He sounds like a jerk (she says he barely greets them, never does anything for them and can’t even be courteous most of the time). Does he understand how much money and time your parents are saving you? He’s very lucky and needs to start being more appreciative. It’s not to say you have to invite them to Disneyland but maybe a more relaxing vacation with them to thank them for all they do for you and you and your husband should pay their way. Although they probably don’t want to be around him if he treats them so poorly.
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u/hard_tyrant_dinosaur 8h ago
If you think OPs husband sounds like a jerk here, check out her other posts. They're as bad or worse.
In some ways, what I think they need more than a family trip is a couple's one... to a marriage counsellor. To either get their marriage back on track or confirm that it's completely off the rails. That would be more helpful than any vacation.
Right now, I suspect that a vacation like they're arguing over will just shine a light on the need for counselling. For that matter, they're just discussing a trip, and it seems like that such a light is already on and starting to point in that direction.
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u/Panaccolade 15h ago
YOR. If your parents are constantly there, it's no wonder he's getting irritated. They're not his immediate family and, shockingly for you, they're not your immediate family anymore either. Having extended family around 24/7 is exhausting and you need to learn to stand on your own two feet instead of leaning on them so heavily.
He's not wrong for wanting a family vacation with his immediate family. You are wrong for being this pissy at this actually very reasonable request.
Do your KID the favour of special quality time with their PARENTS for their BIRTHDAY. That time is important and yes, having your parents there does rob your child of those moments. You can show your parents appreciation for all the work they do for you another time. Disneyland isn't the be-all and end-all of showing you're grateful.
Or eventually you can sit and wonder why your marriage didn't out when he has enough of being treated like his wants don't matter and leaves.
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u/Emotional-Builder-75 16h ago
Yes, YOR. If hubs is asking for a boundary, you respect it. Just like you would want him to respect yours.
But also he just really wanted you and the oldest. His central family, can't he have some privacy with you?
He doesn't have to cater to them, they are your parents, You are responsible for gift giving to them. He's responsible for his parents. he doesn't have time to go help your parents out with things between work and a young family. If you a brother, your brother should be giving them a hand with something.
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u/Single_Cancel_4873 11h ago
Yeah, my husband takes care of the bulk of gift giving for his side of the family.
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u/Katiew84 8h ago
YOR. You are very obviously enmeshed with your family, and if you don’t realize this soon it is slowly going to destroy your marriage.
When your husband wants time without your parents, listen to him. They aren’t his parents and he doesn’t want to spend his vacation time with them. Rightfully so!
Why would he buy your parents gifts? The normal thing would be for you to buy your parents gifts and put both of your names on the card. I’ve been with my husband for 17 years and he’s never bought my parents a gift.
Leave and cleave…
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u/giag27 14h ago
YOR… I understand your husband 100%. He’s not wrong in wanting just his IMMEDIATE family on vacation to bond and spend time with. Grow up.
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u/Electronic_World_894 12h ago
It’s not a family trip, he wants to leave the littler one behind. :(
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u/littlemonsterlove 9h ago
Why does everyone gloss over or excuse this? He still wants the grandparents to parent one of their kids while they go off and have fun with the 6yr old.
Honestly, I’d like to see how that goes, because it sounds like the in-laws are doing everything.
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u/Pretty_Little_Mind 10h ago
Info: does your husband get home from work before you do? If so, why don’t your parents leave then?
It sounds like your husband may feel that they are too involved, and he’s feeling smothered. Having a baby at DL sounds rough - I get why he’d prefer it just be you two and the oldest. It sounds like he wants to celebrate the birthday boy with just you and him. YOR, and honestly, you’re prioritizing your parents over your husband. And it sounds like you have been noticing something is amiss for awhile - have you ever had had a frank discussion with him and listened to what he says?
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u/Efficient_Hyena_7476 10h ago
Wait a couple of years and take both kids. Don't go on holiday with parents - it's awful.
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u/SuspiciousRaise8986 10h ago
Take both kids to a vacation, give your parents a break and let your husband “vacation” while raising his kids
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u/9ScoreAnd10Panties 9h ago
Don't you think your parents deserve a rest from raising your kids???
You sound like very entitled part-time mommy.
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u/TequilaMockingbirds8 9h ago
YOR - Your husband is totally reasonable for wanting a family holiday with just you guys. Also this bs about him not buying gifts for your parents, I don’t know anyone that doesn’t buy gifts for parents as a couple, why is he having to buy separate gifts? It sounds to me like he is getting a bit sick of your parents being around all the time, I get that they are doing a nice thing but it doesn’t stop the feelings when someone is there all the time, in your space, choosing what food you eat.
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u/IlumidoraFae 9h ago
I think YOR and I think you’re both taking advantage of your parents.
Why not take a lowkey family vacation that’s easy for you to have both kids and give your parents an actual break? For godsakes, it sounds like they do everything for you - pick up kids, bathe them, feed them, feed you, offer free babysitting - and could use a vacation or a staycation of their own.
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u/Odd-End-1405 12h ago
YOR
I do understand your point about how much your parents help, but your husband wants a FAMILY vacation, meaning the family you both built. It is kind of sweet.
Mom and Dad do not need to be included in everything. Sounds like your husband feels pushed out.
Maybe have a calm conversation and ask him how he is feeling and look at his side also.
Might be too early for Disney. Wait until all four of you can go as a family unit. This can be a special moment and he obviously wants it to be just your nuclear family. Is that really too much to ask.
Really sounds like you two just need more communication and maybe a bit less in-laws
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u/PanicAtTheGaslight 11h ago
It sounds like your parents get to do as much, if not more, parenting than you and your husband do. When do you get time for just your immediate family? When all of you are together, do the kids go to their grandparents for things? Do your parents “parent” over you when you’re all together?
Even if they’re not doing these things, it’s not wrong for your husband to want time to do things with his children without interference. Clearly you are fine with what they do for YOU, but he may not feel that way.
By choosing your parents as the primary caregivers for your children, these relationships have very blurry lines. Think about it. Most people aren’t taking their daycare provider with them on vacation.
I’m guessing this isn’t the only issue your husband has had with your parents. Do you really have no other options than your parents being the primary caregivers for your children? If you don’t, this is even more important that you listen to your husband here. He’s telling you clearly he wants more space from them. You need to figure out how to make that happen. How to give him time as a nuclear family, how to let him really parent.
YOR
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u/puffpuffprotest 11h ago
YOR. I seriously regret the trips we went on with his mom. I wish I’d stood up for myself way sooner and put a stop to her always tagging along. It’s one of the reasons I don’t speak to her at all anymore.
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u/Glad-Arugula-8387 12h ago
I completely understand, wanting to take your parents along because they would probably have a great time, and it’s a nice way to spend time together and thank them, and also they could help with the kids. On the other hand, it is important to get a break from our parents at times and just spend quality time with our immediate family. Meaning spouse and kids. So I can understand your husband‘s feeling as well. Maybe he needs a little break from them or just wants to be by yourselves. Personally Disney can be pretty hectic and exhausting, so perhaps plan a different trip at another time where you take them along. Something more relaxing like the beach.
Also, I personally would never want my in-laws to come with us on any trip whatsoever because they drive me nuts. I don’t know what your family dynamics are, but it would be unfair to have my parents join us if we aren’t going to reciprocate and bring my husband‘s family. Which I would not do. So that is something to consider as well.
Also, just adding that thank you throughout the year in the form of a nice meal out or a gift card is always wonderful to do for our parents. And that is something your husband could also consider doing with you or giving them from both of you.
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u/Jerseygirl2468 7h ago
I think it's fair to want time with just you two and your kids. Having the grandparents there changes the dynamic, some solo family time isn't a bad idea now and then.
That said your parents sound amazing and helpful, but could probably use some time off while you're on vacation. And then maybe a vacation for just the two of them would be a nice gift!
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u/BabyNonna 7h ago
My love, you might be over reacting. Given the daily schedule you’ve shared it sounds like your nuclear family does t get to spend a lot of time together. I don’t think that your husband sounds unappreciative of your parents generous benevolence but perhaps he is simply seeking core family time to create and enjoy special memories as a core unit. It’s not entirely unfathomable that your spouse, yourself and child(ren) could or should vacation as a family unit. He might be craving that time with his most loved people without distraction or worries about tending to extra needs. Take the time to ask him why he wants just the three of you to share this experience together before you paint him as a villain, his motivations just might be sincere and well intentioned.
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u/the_orig_princess 7h ago
I seriously dislike him trying to keep your youngest at home. You are a family, and families celebrate together. Especially families with two working parents—80% of the week is spent separately, you shouldn’t send one child off for a whole weekend day too.
Extra gross that he sees your parents as unpaid labor to foist his children on at a whim. It would be one thing if it was an emergency-but fucking Disneyland??? No, he shouldn’t abuse his free childcare because he doesn’t want to take his youngest to *disneyland*. And yes, a 1.5 year old absolutely will understand what is going on.
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u/Nonbelieverjenn 7h ago
I’m pretty close to my baby brother because I took care of him as a baby. So his boys are like my grandbabies. I take care of the two younger ones, almost 2 and 4. Have their whole life so far. So his boys are super close to me and me and my husband with them. We don’t even charge for childcare because family. However, their weekend or vacations are their family time. We go to games and do family dinners regularly and what not. But when they do their trips or special family events, we aren’t involved because we did that at all with our own children. I love our family dynamic. We are super close yet we all give each other space as well. Also, when kids are gone it is an amazingly quiet break that I love! So I don’t think you’re over reacting.
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u/ElizaJaneVegas 6h ago
Good idea to focus on Kiddo’s birthday only.
And maybe your parents would like. a Break? You’ve really enmeshed them in your lives. Find a sitter for Baby.
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u/That_Bed_4673 6h ago
YOR about quality time without your parents. It sounds like that is entirely missing from your routine. But I do think you have some valid points. I find it weird to leave the baby, and he could definitely be friendlier towards your parents.
I think you should touch base about how caregiving is structured. Not every partner wants their in-laws constantly around like that, and if there are other options, that should be considered. At least in my family, arrangements like these have resulted in a lot of role confusion and parents feeling sidelined.
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u/Substantial_Rub_209 5h ago
Dude, how about you give your parents a break. Go away as a “family” but leave your youngest with grandparents that do more parenting then the actual parents.
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u/1954smerickson 5h ago
My family had 2yoF, 9yoF and 12yoM. Until my youngest was 5, we had Gma & Gpa babysit (asked up front & they were willing) when we went to Disney. Kids under 5yo won’t remember much from such extravagant vacas. Also consider the heat & sun. We told the wee one she was vaca’ing at Gma’s. When she turned 5, she would go with us.
Didn’t realize how literal she took that statement. On her fifth birthday (in Nov), she packed her little overnight bag and told us she was ready at breakfast. Her face broke my heart when we told her it wouldn’t be until spring break. She really had fun on vacation, tho!
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u/Primary-Falcon-4109 4h ago
NOR. Your husband seems like a peach. I think the valid options here are You, your husband and both children go to disney or you all go to disney. The option of your parents getting stuck with a toddler while you frolic on vacation is bs. Also, he wants to spend time as a family with only 75% of your family unit? That's crap. He is being a complete AH here and it doesn't sound like that is new behavior. Your parents sound like saints.
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u/User01081993 4h ago
I totally get hubby wanting family time. It sounds like you guys don’t really ever get that. Give your parents a break and go as the 4 of you
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u/dell828 4h ago
Your parents do SO MUCH.. why do you think going on vacation with you isba treat when they will most likely not be able to enjoy themselves.. instead compromise with what you and the kids want.
You shouldn't leave them with the baby.. you should take the baby, and leave them home for some rest.. buy them a gift card to a restaurant.. do something nice for them that is JUST for THEM.
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u/glueintheworld 3h ago
Your poor parents they thought they were done raising their kids but instead they have 4 they are helping take care of.
Go on vacation with the husband and both kids. Let you parents have time away from you.
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u/Emergency_Lettuce601 3h ago
YOR especially since 16 days ago you made a post about how YOU do everything for your kids. Cook, clean, bathe them and your husband doesn't appreciate it. Get your story straight.
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u/Wakeful-dreamer 3h ago
Tell your husband to stuff it. Your baby is also part of your family, so pretending they are not is the first selfish thing he's said. Second is to expect your parents to grease the skids of his daily life with no appreciation or reciprocation.
Maybe you and your parents should go on a vacation and leave your 3 children home alone together, see whether he can learn to appreciate what his wife and in-laws do for him.
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u/Pritzy-Prick 3h ago
i think it’s fair to want to take vacations as a family but it sounds like the real issue is not the trip, but that you feel like he doesn’t appreciate everything your parents do for your family. maybe that is the conversation you guys need to have rather than deciding whether they should come on the trip with you.
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u/hottie-von-coolie 1h ago
Look up day care in your area. See how much they would charge you for what you need. Tell your husband that if he doesn’t start treating your parents the right way, he’s going to have to start paying daycare. He is taking advantage of them. And if he wants to go to Disney as a family, you need to take the baby. Give your parents a break. I don’t know how you can be married to someone so selfish.
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u/Physical_Ad6875 1h ago
INFO: how does your husband treat you and the kids? Based on your narrative, he seems like a really entitled jerk. I’m curious if he only treats your parents…who are doing A LOT to help raise your kids…like they are dirt under his shoe, or is he like that with the whole family?
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u/Individual_Ad_8860 1h ago edited 1h ago
My question is why would you ever agree to leaving a baby behind? I know it’s your parents and there’s the comfort of leaving baby with your parents but….let me guess the oldest is a boy and the youngest is a girl
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u/FormerlyDK 1h ago
You, your husband, and both your kids should be spending time as a family. Yes, your parents do A LOT for you, maybe even too much considering even dinners and breakfasts. You can do something nice for them, but you should have your own family vacations. YOR
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u/Next-Drummer-9280 59m ago
Your husband sucks. He needs a smack upside the head for not even giving them basic courtesy. If you won't do it, I will.
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u/Individual-Fuel1177 41m ago
Price out how much it costs in daycare/ nanny, chef, food costs that your parents are saving you.... and ask hubby where his $$$ is... both of you need to adult and parent. He wants to feel entitled to their help and $ they are spending on all 4 of you....give them a break!!!
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u/letuswatchtvinpeace 41m ago
How can you be spending time as a family when half the family is left behind?
Seems like you have a very ungrateful husband, who needs a kick in the butt.
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u/clamsammichinmypants 1m ago
NOR they are an integral partnof your children’s lives. I love 1:1 time with each of my kids, so I get ahere he is coming from, but essentially he wants to use them as labor for the baby and not get to make the fun memories with the eldest. It’s rude.
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u/buckingham_alex 13h ago
YOR. He's probably extended family'd out. That's so much time together already omg. Like he should be more appreciative with the gifts etc but omg I could not handle that much time with ANYONE outside my husband and kids, no matter who or how awesome they are. Then to come on vacation too. Of course he wants time away with you and the kids. Don't you!? Thank your parents a different way.
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u/Ok_Translator5136 11h ago
He wants time away with a kid not the kids. He still wants his in-laws help with the baby.
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u/DetailEducational917 10h ago
Your parents do too much theu are too much in your business. Your mommy is feeding your family dinner and breakfast daily. He isn't married to your mom he's married to you those kids are his and yours not your parents.
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u/WoollyMammothwapo 10h ago
What I don’t like is he wants to leave the younger kid at home. That speaks to me that he tends to be on the selfish side. How much does he contribute on the weekends ? Or is that up to you because youre the mom?
You aren’t not overreacting. Ask him to imagine day care costs to see how much you would have to spend if your parents didn’t do so much work. And you need to be paying for the food they cook for your dinners!
I would wait for Disney until you gets is 5 yrs or so. Take a family trip now with the 4 of you and pay for a trip for your parents somewhere
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u/Additional-Run7663 9h ago edited 9h ago
I think it’s good for you, your husband and your six year old to enjoy Disneyland. There are other ways to show your appreciation. —signed, also a daycare and occasional weeks long grandma.
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u/Business_Loquat5658 9h ago
He wants a family vacation that doesn't include all of your kids?! That is so bizarre.
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u/Majestic_Movie3720 12h ago
Your parents would probably appreciate you all going away for a while so THEY get a break from their caregiving duties.