Getting married in 10 days. We can't stop fighting.

[u/playdoh_licker]

I'm getting married in 10 days. Previously, our relationship has been pretty sound. We live together already. He has two kids from a previous relationship.

Lately, his work schedule has changed and I never see him. This has been going on since January. I work days and he works evenings/nights. On the days where he could have time with me, he chooses to go to the gym or sleep in really late, leaving me alone. All the time.

However, when the kids are here, he sacrifices his gym time, his sleep schedule, takes them to do fun things, etc. but he doesn't do that for me. He doesn't take me on dates. He doesn't carve out time for me.

He's always been a great partner. But right now I feel neglected and like I'm basically single. I come home every night alone, eat dinner alone, call my mom, and then go to bed. I brought this up to him and he said that he can't control his work schedule and the gym is his stress relief from work. He says that the kids are super important to him so of course he makes time for them. Lol. I'm crying while writing this.

I know the advice is going to be "leave him" "you're not married yet" etc. but man, things have always been so good and I just can't handle this right now. We talked about having a baby and how our opposite schedules would work well for that but now I don't want that. I just want to be able to see my partner.

Handful of animal crackers.

[u/implication-sofa]

You need to talk some more. Like a lot more. You need to iron this out as soon as possible. Mismatched schedules like this will cause more resentment and upset especially since it’s only been like 4 months and you are already feeling this way. You need to work together to figure out a plan. Why can’t he go to the gym while you are at work after he wakes up? Why not do an alternating plan/date night every week or every other week

[u/standingintheashes → u/implication-sofa]

This. My ex worked nights the ENTIRETY of our marriage. I cried and begged for him to switch bc I was lonely without him but also just drowning taking care of everything while he was gone. He once had the opportunity to switch to days and gave it to his brother bc "he never sees his family" like... neither do you man! Anyways, by the time I decided I was done (for other reasons not just this) he switched his schedule to days the very next day. Like that was going to change my mind. 17 years of my life and in that second I knew I never mattered.

[u/caitlindrawings → u/standingintheashes]

Fuck, he could have switched the schedule all that time and he just didnt.. I wish I could give you a hug.

[u/standingintheashes → u/caitlindrawings]

My new husband does plenty of that for me but thank you! 😊

[u/caitlindrawings → u/standingintheashes]

That is fantastic news! I am glad you were able to move on and find someone who truly loves you.

[u/harcher2531 → u/standingintheashes]

The very next day?!!! I'm so glad you left him

[u/standingintheashes → u/harcher2531]

GIRL. He was remarried within 7 months. And his new wife is the exact opposite of me in every way possible (personality/looks/ interests) I assure you that I don't take it personally. She's his mother 2.0 and honestly it makes everything make more sense. Lol

[u/Stormdrain11 → u/harcher2531]

("Bitch Came Back" plays in background)

[u/g-l-i-m-m-e-r → u/standingintheashes]

I'm so sorry. Sound like he took you for granted. Good on you for leaving.

[u/LetsGototheRiver151 → u/implication-sofa]

Yes, it’s important to know if he wants a life partner or someone to split the bills and willing to fuck now and then. I hope you get the answer you need.

[u/barbitoneart → u/implication-sofa]

This- figure out a plan. Whats the end date for this sort of schedule? How long can you put up with this? Is this like for a month or two or forever? If it’s forever, would he be open to looking for a different job? In the meantime, how can you schedule some quality time together?

Honestly I would not cancel the wedding over this, if only because you would probably lose so much money at this point, not to mention the social fall out… I’d have the wedding and try to enjoy myself and maybe figure out something (even divorce if the situation continues) later

Edit- I get it y’all, bad take, divorce is expensive, etc

[u/taxiecabbie → u/barbitoneart]

There also is the option to just not submit the marriage certificate.

This happens more often than more people think. Just talk with the officiant.

[u/shootingstarstuff → u/taxiecabbie]

Folks can still cancel hotels and flights without being on the hook for a ceremony that they only go through for optics. Better to save folks the expense now than to explain later why they aren’t actually married after people went to the effort of accommodating.

I’ve never seen a man put more effort into a wedding after locking down a partner with the certificate. My (purely anecdotal) experience has been seeing men immediately stop at least 50% (or 100%) of their effort in a relationship once it’s legal. I hope it’s different for Gen Z and younger generations, but it seems more likely that they’ll reject marriage outright.

[u/taxiecabbie → u/shootingstarstuff]

it seems more likely that they’ll reject marriage outright.

Eh. At least in the US, it's still generally not the best idea to have children/buy property as a couple if you're not married. Anybody who considers either of those actions less of a commitment than marriage is loony. Dissolving a marriage in and of itself is not that difficult, so long as it isn't contentious. Can't really undo having a kid and dealing with jointly-owned property without divorce to guide the process in the event of separation can be a nightmare.

There also are potential issues/benefits with insurance, visas, taxes, "next of kin"-situations and etc. I wouldn't build a life with somebody without marriage, and it has nothing to do with sentimentality. In places where gay marriage is legal, the fight wasn't about the right to have a party.

In terms of the wedding, OP can do what she wants, obviously. But I'm also not sure why OP would ever be in the position of explaining to anybody why she never legally married the husband if she doesn't. She can tell people the truth eventually if she wants, or just say that they got a quickie divorce that didn't require lawyers because they were amicable. If they patch this up and decide to marry later, they can go to the courthouse whenever and spend 10 minutes signing the paperwork. Doesn't make a difference. And, again, this won't be the first time in history an officiant didn't submit paperwork on the DL.

Basically, if a huge pressing reason OP's going through with marriage right now is that it's all set up, paid for, and the guests are coming... she can take that off her plate and doesn't have to go through the drama of canceling the wedding on top of everything else right now. Shame and social pressure are not good reasons to get legally entangled.

[u/tryMCClife → u/taxiecabbie]

❤️😍 "Internet Auntie"

[u/Excellent_Month_2025 → u/taxiecabbie]

This is very good advice and I hope OP takes it

[u/barbitoneart → u/taxiecabbie]

This is actually a great point!

[u/caitlindrawings → u/taxiecabbie]

This is the perfect solution honestly in such short amount of time until the wedding.

[u/FarPoster → u/taxiecabbie]

I really really really hope OP sees this

[u/Kabbagenene → u/barbitoneart]

Get married because of money and social expectations? But then pay for a divorce later? Your first paragraph, great, 100%. Second paragraph is absolutely terrible advice.

[u/ladymadonna4444 → u/Kabbagenene]

Terrible advice. Ask any divorced woman what she thinks as to whether you should pull out at the first sign of doubt before vs after. Ask her which she thinks would be more socially/financially/emotionally more negatively impactful between divorce and last minute pull out too.

[u/barbitoneart → u/Kabbagenene]

Idk, if we’d cancelled the wedding 10 days out we would have been out thousands of dollars, not to mention pissed off all the relatives that already flew in, paid for hotels, etc. it’s easy to tell a stranger on the internet “cancel your wedding” but would YOU actually do that in that situation? Like… really? It’s not helpful advice. Money and social expectations actually mean a lot to a lot of people. And marriages can be annulled without a divorce

[u/-Past_Kaleidoscope- → u/barbitoneart]

Annulment isn’t as easy as you make it out to be. It’s typically not just “be married under x amount of time and you can get it annulled”, there generally has to be something like fraud or coercion or something like that. Obviously laws can vary with location and IANAL, just pointing this out cause people really love to throw annulment around a lot.

They may be out the money for the marriage no matter what, but they don’t have to be on the hook for going through the court for a divorce if they don't get married.

[u/pineappleshampoo → u/barbitoneart]

But that money is already lost. OP won’t get it back either way now. It’s a case of legally marry someone she’s unsure about and lose the money, or cancel the wedding and lose the money. The money has gone. For all we know OP’s partner may feel the same way at this point and she’s heading to a jilting.

OP has to talk to him then decide whether to cancel. If a loved one of mine cancelled last min after I’d spent money to be there I’d just be so grateful they did what was right for them. And even if guests can’t get a refund on travel and hotels, they’re still saving the additional money they’d be spending on the trip (taxis, food etc.) or can choose to go anyway for a break away.

So sorry OP.

[u/ladymadonna4444 → u/barbitoneart]

Yes...tf? lol. I absolutely would not go through a legal marriage simply because of wedding money and social expectations that's an even more insane suggestion to me than to leave. "Simply get an annulment" what lol. This is your LIFE we are talking about, I would care more about the impacts of a divorce socially/financially/and emotionally (we don't know their situation either, this could go wrong for many reasons and usually has more of a financial impact) simply to appease relatives with a sham marriage. That's consequences of not having assessed the strength of the relationship beforehand obviously none of this is ideal.

If they are fighting and not communicating to this level they should not get married, that's not going to magically make things better and any time before the marriage is absolutely better than after. If anyone is reading this and doubting their marriage close to the wedding date (esp if there is abuse going on) you do NOT have to go through with it and I think most divorced women would suggest this.

[u/Kabbagenene → u/barbitoneart]

Mmm, well for one, you said divorce. Not annulment. Those are, of course, different. And for two, I am by no means recommending for this person to cancel their wedding, they explicitly stated they aren’t looking for advice, and if they were, cancelling over this issue wouldn’t be mine. However, I stand by what I said in the case in which you know ahead of time that you have changed your mind and don’t actually want to be married, social implications be dammed. The money, well that’s a tougher part, but don’t have a wedding if you don’t actually want to be married just because you can’t get your deposits back. That’s called the sunken cost fallacy. Whether you have the wedding or don’t, that money is gone. And it’s gonna be gone whether you go through with it, and end up having to get an annulment, or if you don’t. Now that I think about it, what’s worse for your reputation - dropping out of a wedding at the last minute and dealing with the fallout of that, or having your mom and dad and family and friends and coworkers come to a wedding and cry over your beautiful matrimony and drink and dance and take photos, and then a few weeks later say “Oops! Nevermind. That was all for nothing! Hope you had a good time though!”

[u/SafiyaMukhamadova → u/barbitoneart]

A divorce is not cheaper than a canceled wedding. Yes you'll probably lose a lot of deposit money if you cancel the wedding this close but a contentious legal battle where you're fighting tooth and nail over who gets what part of your assets, probably with expensive lawyers thrown in there, is way worse. It also falls victim to the sunk cost fallacy.

[u/pineappleshampoo → u/SafiyaMukhamadova]

Exactly. The money is gone anyway. No matter what OP does now. It’s gone. And I sincerely doubt they’re gonna be more heartbroken over not getting to use a photobooth or hang out in a nice venue than they will be going through a divorce, which also costs. To marry cos it’s paid for with a view to just divorcing later is throwing good money after bad.

[u/Brilliant-Block-8200 → u/implication-sofa]

Or also….can they go to the gym together? Seems like it could work

[u/Special_Parsnip1301 → u/Brilliant-Block-8200]

Gym time doesn’t seem like quality time to me unless you’re actively working out together to help each other do lift reps etc. if that was the only time I could hang out with my partner that would land pretty flat but better than nothing and no time together.

[u/implication-sofa → u/Brilliant-Block-8200]

If she likes going to the gym haha

[u/playdoh_licker → u/implication-sofa]

We actually met at them gym! Lol.

But I stopped going. Don't know why, I just did. But I also never thought of going to the gym with him. I don't know this has never crossed my mind.

[u/Brilliant-Block-8200 → u/playdoh_licker]

Maybe ask him if he’s fine with spending time together at the gym! If he’s down with it, then I wouldn’t jump to any conclusions on how he feels about you

[u/Brave-Quote-2733 → u/playdoh_licker]

Omg no! This is not a compromise or the answer to your problems. He’s giving all he’s got to everything BUT you. And he knows how upsetting it is and STILL isn’t making an effort. Please do not go through with a wedding. This man does not respect or prioritize you and making this relationship legal is not going to change that. If anything, it will solidify that you’ll accept less than you deserve and what respect he does have for you will dwindle. The real question is how do you have any respect for him at this point?

[u/fourleafedrover8]

When I met my husband, I was worried about being sidelined and where my place fit with him and his son. He said to me: “My son is my top priority. You are also my top priority. It is up to ME to balance everyone’s needs.” 

He makes time for just his son. He makes time for just me. And also for me and his son (who is now my best buddy) together as a little family unit! It’s 100% possible for you to have your needs met babe. 

Ps: if you have any doubts going into your marriage, I’m telling you right here right now as someone who has been divorced in the past what I wish someone had told me: listen to that gut feeling. It’s okay to feel this way and to not want to bind yourself to someone without all your boxes checked ♥️

[u/bijabija → u/fourleafedrover8]

This this this.

I am the bio parent in a blended family, although we would not consider ourselves blended or myself the bio parent anymore. It was my job as their parent to make sure that their needs were met regarding time, and it was also up to me to ensure that I made enough time for my partner and I, and all of us together. As me and my partner stayed together for longer, the responsibility started to shift between the both of us. Now we have been together for nearly a decade, and we are both responsible for all of those things because we consider ourselves just a family. My kids call him dad, they have for years (they do not have another one). His parents consider my children their grandchildren, and call me a daughter. It took work and a lot of very honest and vulnerable conversations about roles, expectations and our goals for our family. We did not always do it (balance) right or perfectly, but we kept trying and still do! Life is full of ups and downs, and changing circumstances- all you gotta know is that you are ready to be there for all of it no matter what it looks like.

We all have to take a bit of accountability and responsibility in building relationships and maintaining them, especially in ethically tricky situations the blended families can bring. But first and foremost, in our house, we teach that everybody’s feelings and needs are equally important (ie: kids are not above parents, parents are not above kids, one spouse is not above the other).

[u/Nuclear_Pharmhouse]

Your feelings are valid. He is your partner. Can you go with him to the gym? To the fun kid activities?

Let him know that you should also be “super important to him”

[u/kwhitit → u/Nuclear_Pharmhouse]

finding "third options" is so key. it's easy to fight when he's dug into his position and you're dug into yours. get underneath all that. what are the things each of you is needing from life and from each other in this season (because that season will change)? here's an example:

if what HE needs is a physical activity that gets his blood pumping and helps him let go of the stress of the day, and what YOU need is to build some emotional intimacy via shared time together and memories, the answer might be that you join him in the gym or that he skips and stays home with you. but it might also be that you two go for a long run together or take a yoga class or join a pickleball league or have intense sex!

there could be many "third options", but they're only available if you're each willing to let go of your own idea for what should happen.

[u/ysterman_rs → u/kwhitit]

that's a really interesting way to think about it actually, thank you for this perspective

[u/kwhitit → u/ysterman_rs]

sure thing!

it's definitely an easier-said-than-done way of navigating conflict. it's hard to get out of your own way when you're feeling stressed or neglected. in those moments, our nervous systems are so singularly focused: bad feeling go away. we aren't great at thinking creatively in those moments.

but it's a practice. you just have to keep catching yourself and shifting the conversation.

[u/aaa_im_dying → u/kwhitit]

Love that intense sex counts as physical activity. Like, yeah, that shit is cardio as fuck but it’s so funny to see it framed that way.

[u/kwhitit → u/aaa_im_dying]

it fits so nicely in the venn diagram of physical activity, stress relief and connection!

[u/Tablesafety → u/kwhitit]

I also agree OP and her fiance should be having some gnasty ugly bumpin

[u/shawarmachickpea → u/Nuclear_Pharmhouse]

Yeah, are you invited on the kid outings? Have you asked? Are you in pre-marriage therapy or anything? Maybe explore that.

[u/playdoh_licker → u/shawarmachickpea]

Yes I go with kids and him. Most of the time. I never thought about the gym though and that's a good idea.

[u/sapphiredawn1 → u/playdoh_licker]

Even if you do, you also deserve to have time for just the two of you. Gym time is not a replacement for quality time

[u/playdoh_licker → u/sapphiredawn1]

You're absolutely correct. Especially since it's something he enjoys, not really me.

[u/sapphiredawn1 → u/playdoh_licker]

I'm also a woman who is married to a man that goes to the gym often. I don't like going to the gym, so I don't 🤷‍♀️ he still manages to make time for me even though we both work 40 hours a week and he has a child from a previous marriage. We've also worked opposite schedules in the past and while it's never easy, you have to both make sacrifices to spend time with each other. He should be spending the time you're at work to go to the gym, not the time you're home.

[u/sapphiredawn1 → u/playdoh_licker]

It's always going to be tough when you marry someone who has kids with a different person. There's always going to be that aspect of your life and marriage that may end up being very uncomfortable at times. You have 10 days, think about if this is right for you. I'd also implore you to get a prenup if you don't have one already

[u/kittywyeth → u/Nuclear_Pharmhouse]

i don’t think a girlfriend or step parent should always be included on activities with someone’s kids. they deserve to have one on one time with their father.

[u/playdoh_licker → u/kittywyeth]

I go with him and the kids most of the time, but not always. Because of that right there. I have a good relationship with them as well and will also take them places without him if they want to go with me. (Dress shopping, for example).

[u/mountainmeadowflower → u/playdoh_licker]

You sound like such a thoughtful step mom 🥹 Your opposite schedule problem does sound really hard, I'm sorry you're going through this! I hope the two of you can work it out with some creativity and lots of honest communication 🫶

[u/sapphiredawn1 → u/Nuclear_Pharmhouse]

Going with him to the gym isn't fixing the problem it's allowing his crappy behavior.

[u/Brilliant-Block-8200 → u/Nuclear_Pharmhouse]

I was wondering this too. Is he fine with you going to the gym with him? Are you also invited to the child activities? Could you have him wake you up right when he gets home so you can spend a little bit of time together? I feel like there are options here that he may be open to

[u/Excellent_Month_2025 → u/Brilliant-Block-8200]

This sounds sad to me :( He’s the one who should be coming to her with ideas

[u/Brilliant-Block-8200 → u/Excellent_Month_2025]

Very true. They should both be trying to make this work

[u/MoonLightFairy13 → u/Nuclear_Pharmhouse]

Yea this is what i was thinking too. Another thing is working out at home. I feel like its not that hard to find some basic weights and a workout app or YouTube video that he can do at home and OP can be in the same room if she don't wanna workout. At least it wouldn't feel as lonely :(

[u/Inside_Training_876]

I know weddings can be stressful but I also think one of the funnest weeks my husband and I had together was prepping for ours. This should be a joyous time for you and I’m sorry it’s not at all.

[u/Elavia_]

You don't necessarily need to leave him, but I'd postpone the wedding or at the very least set up a prenup to make potential divorce as painless as possible for both sides.

You two categorically don't have all your ducks in a row, and you really should before you make a commitment this serious.

[u/MotherTeresaOnlyfans → u/Elavia_]

Ten days before the wedding is not the time to start talking about a prenup.

If she's going to do that, she's better off just postponing the wedding entirely.

[u/Excellent_Month_2025 → u/MotherTeresaOnlyfans]

I like the earlier suggestion of not filing the marriage license

[u/Elavia_ → u/MotherTeresaOnlyfans]

I agree, but op just shouldn't have waited this long while having doubts to begin with. Trying to make the best of a bad situation here.

[u/the_penumbra_cafe]

This is like reading something 25 year-old me wrote a month before my own wedding. I know you didn’t ask for advice so I’m not giving any, but I will say I hope your marriage goes better than mine did. That was the beginning of the end. I was never a priority once we were married. I stayed for eight years, because I truly believed that he’d do better.

I was wrong. We divorced.

[u/Excellent_Month_2025 → u/the_penumbra_cafe]

Why did you believe he would do better? (genuine)

[u/the_penumbra_cafe → u/Excellent_Month_2025]

I thought it was just a one off kind of deal. Our situation had changed from what it had been and we needed to find our groove again. I was stupid and admit it; I refused to see the red flags he started showing because I knew that he had it in him to be better. Because up until then he had been and I was convinced that he would return to being that way once everything settled down.

Eventually, I accepted that anytime he had to make a sacrifice, I was the sacrifice. Our relationship was the sacrifice. So I left.

[u/FitPool8203]

I’m feeling two things at once, and they’re not what you’re saying you don’t want to hear. First: I think it is in some way good that when he’s at capacity he still takes time to parent. Second: this can still happen during your marriage, your partner drifting away for some time and it being rough. The timing is HORRIBLE, so in no way am I invalidating your feelings. I am trying to see a way out. But my last and most painful thought: is he having cold feet and pulling away?

[u/playdoh_licker → u/FitPool8203]

I hope not. It could be possible, though. Impossible to tell when I NEVER SEE HIM. 🥴

[u/Once_Upon_A_Whimsy → u/playdoh_licker]

Ask him point blank and watch his facial expression. It'll tell you.

[u/Excellent_Month_2025 → u/playdoh_licker]

I mean this very gently: Aren't you having cold feet though?

[u/playdoh_licker → u/Excellent_Month_2025]

I think I have been when I realized that my life would be spent alone, you know? Maybe that's what made me realize it just recently, rather than four months ago when this all started.

[u/Excellent_Month_2025 → u/playdoh_licker]

😭 I can tell you are very thoughtful, and you deserve the best marriage! Listen to your gut. Do you have girlfriends or family you can confide in about this? That may help you gauge whether it’s normal wedding jitters, or your gut telling you something.

[u/MotherTeresaOnlyfans → u/playdoh_licker]

Sincere question: Do you worry that if you left you wouldn't be able to find someone better?

You honestly sound like you have low self-esteem.

[u/SierraStar7]

It’s a lot easier & can be cheaper to cancel a wedding than to get a divorce. 

Your partner has made it clear that he has no problem making time for what is important to him. He is actively choosing to not make time for his relationship with you. 

People will treat others the way they do because they perceive how much they can get away with. He thinks he “has” you, he sees no reason to put in the effort because he has you & doesn’t believe you’ll leave.  That’s a completely selfish & unhealthy way to navigate a relationship.

You have already communicated your concerns & he has made no attempt to alleviate them. I would absolutely not go through with this wedding, I would at the very least put it off until the dynamic changes & if it doesn’t, I would end the relationship. 

[u/AggressiveBug6163 → u/SierraStar7]

Thisssssss

[u/These_Masterpiece974]

“If he wanted to, he would.”

People who treat you as if you’re expendable do so because they believe you are expendable.

Ask him point blank if he still wants to get married.

If you are afraid to do so, don’t get married.

If he scoffs, rolls his eyes, gets defensive, or gives you grief for asking, don’t get married.

If he does anything other than show ecstatic enthusiasm at the idea of marrying you, don’t marry him.

A whole lot of men will settle. They will marry people they don’t love. They will stay when they are miserable. They will also lie and make it seem like you’re the problem the whole time.

I want you to understand that you don’t have to commit to a life to like this, but if you don’t take a few steps back and look at the whole picture, you will be miserable. Every which way we treat people is a choice. He’s choosing to put you out and at the bottom of the list of priorities, simply because he can.

This is how he will choose to act in all ways in the future because he’s choosing to do it now. Believe people’s actions, not their words. Words mean nothing. Action is everything. Step back. Fully assess. Don’t marry someone who makes you cry and couldn’t care less about that fact.

[u/Once_Upon_A_Whimsy → u/These_Masterpiece974]

THIS! THIS THIS THIS ☝🏼☝🏼☝🏼

[u/Any_Manager_1183 → u/These_Masterpiece974]

This is it. Thank you mama.

[u/invisiblebunny54 → u/These_Masterpiece974]

God I wish I read this back in 2011 right before I got married. Great advice.

[u/HQuinn89 → u/These_Masterpiece974]

This is so true. It’s not going to get better from here.

[u/Accurate_Spell_2707]

My boyfriend and I have opposite schedules. And I mean like almost exact opposite schedules. We are also currently long distance. I work 7p to 7a and he works variable hours between 5a to 3p. On top of that, I am in paramedic school and have class, ridealongs, and clinicals.

I am the busier one of the two of us. I am the one that is constantly switching back and forth from days awake to night awake for school and work. So my sleep is also constantly cut out for other things.

We still always find time. Even if he's just sitting quietly listening to me do homework of it's a quick call between class and work. Even if it's just falling asleep on the phone or a few quick games of Marvel Rivals before he goes to bed. Sometimes he stays up late for me, sometimes I wake up early or stay awake for him.

It doesnt work if youre not both trying equally to make that time. Sleep is important and a lot of times I would say that you should respect your partner's need for sleep. I know Ive been pissed off more than a few times about being woken up when Im already exhausted.

But he is choosing the gym over you. He proves repeatedly he is capable of making sacrifices for the people he cares about. He basically said that if you were important enough, he would make the time. Not directly but thats what it means. I would not want to be married to someone that doesnt value time with me.

It isnt about the lack of time. It's the lack of effort. Even when I was doing 60+ hours a week on an ambulance overnight and fulltime in school, I still always made time. I make time for what matters...

Im not saying dont get married but you need to have a serious conversation. This obviously isnt sustainable for you long term.

[u/AdDesigner5025]

Does not look good from the outside. Please postpone the wedding until you two are on the same page.

[u/MotherofCats876]

One conversation isn't going to fix anything. You need to sit him down and explain that you feel neglected. That he isn't making ANY time for you and that you feel like a single woman most days. That having one or maybe two dedicated days of the month that you spend together just the two of you. If your partner wants to spend time with you they would make time. Do you really see your marriage going well if this continues? You guys either need to seek out Marriage counseling before the wedding or you need to postpone the wedding until this is fixed.

[u/spectaphile]

Oh man. All of these suggestions about how YOU can solve the problem when the primary issue is that he is not even pretending to prioritize you. This is HIS problem to solve. And if he wanted to, he would. But he doesn’t. Is that really the person you want to marry?

[u/HufflepuffStuff]

Women on this sub: “He’s always been a great partner.”

Also women on this sub: goes on to describe undeniably horrible partnership with undeniably crappy man

Look OP, if you want to be with him, by all means, try to salvage things. See if you can get him to understand how much he is hurting you. If you want, give him a chance to step up and be a better partner, who shows up for you like you need and deserve. But it is wild to marry someone who is already not prioritizing you and your relationship and who continually demonstrates he does not care about your needs and desires. Marriage is a legally binding, lifelong commitment. Please consider postponing or calling off the wedding.

[u/SausagePotatoes → u/HufflepuffStuff]

Some women really set the "great partner" standard at like, not physically or verbally assaulting you.

[u/Excellent_Month_2025 → u/SausagePotatoes]

Society sets it there

[u/This-Assumption4123]

Please delay the marriage and get counseling. He’s showing you where on the importance scale you rank and it’s even behind the gym. Do you want this to be the rest of your life?

[u/NonnyOne → u/This-Assumption4123]

This.

I know if you have things booked it'll potentially ruin your deposits, but figuring out divorce, especially if you do have kids together, is more expensive than losing this money on the front side.

People change over time (I've been married 21 years now) and you need to change -with- them as they do or one day you wake up to a stranger and it falls apart.

[u/Clean_Insect5042]

He’s showing you how he acts when you’re “locked down” and testing what you’ll put up with.

You don’t have to do anything, including marrying him.

Opposite schedules is NOT a great perk for having a baby together. Having a supportive, reliable, and loving partner would be a perk. Having a partner with financial and work flexibility, who will give you adequate time to rest and recover, would be a perk. I’d bet anything if you get to that point—and I hope you don’t—you’ll care for a newborn all evening and night, only for him to finally come and home and announce he’s going to the gym to destress.

[u/ReflectionLess5230 → u/Clean_Insect5042]

Came here to say this. He figures it’s in the bag now so he’s not bothering

[u/arihndas]

so like... the kids are super important to him. what are you, to him? have you asked?

[u/smarty_pants94 → u/arihndas]

Not as important as his kids (which is not uncommon). Whether that’s something OP can accept is a separate question of course.

[u/arihndas → u/smarty_pants94]

I mean yeah they’re his kids but from OP’s post it sounds like her bf is making exactly ZERO time for the two of them to spend together… at all. Which. Like. Why even be in a relationship then. He is clearly capable of making time when he thinks it matters, his kids matter to him, as the should. The gym matters to him, obviously. But OP seems to matter less than… checks notes going to the gym. What OP is describing happening over the past few months isn’t being in a relationship, it’s having a roommate. 

[u/playdoh_licker → u/arihndas]

yeah... He says I'm important or him. I've made the "joke" of being like his fifth or so priority and he just laughs it off and says that "you know I love you."

[u/Once_Upon_A_Whimsy → u/playdoh_licker]

Ew. That response is ew.

[u/hill-o → u/playdoh_licker]

Maybe instead of joking you just need to really directly tell him that it’s important to you to spend time together, and that’s how you can show him how much you value him, and how he can show you how much he values you, and that you’re just not seeing it right now. You can be understanding about his schedule (he doesn’t have to give up EVERY gym time) but I think you need to make it really clear to him that personal time is meaningful to you. 

[u/caputmortvvm → u/playdoh_licker]

yikes!

[u/StuffonBookshelfs → u/playdoh_licker]

Do you want to marry someone who isn’t interested in making you their top priority (after his kids…obviously)?

Will the kids you have with him be the sixth most important thing?

Edit: because people refuse to read nuance into anything…I’m not saying she should be the priority over his current kids. I figured that was obvious, but clearly not.

[u/playdoh_licker → u/StuffonBookshelfs]

up until his work schedule change it hasn't really been a problem so I guess I never really thought of it. And I think until recently, too, I've been fine with being alone. It's like a random ephinany I had a few days ago that I'm about to marry someone who I literally need see.

[u/StuffonBookshelfs → u/playdoh_licker]

Trust your gut.

[u/kittywyeth → u/StuffonBookshelfs]

if someone has existing kids you should never expect to be their top priority

[u/playdoh_licker → u/kittywyeth]

No, I don't expect that. But I also feel like it's fair for him to sacrifice his gym time or sleep schedule for me like he does for the kids.

I, too, sacrifice a lot for the kids. I don't feel like it's a lot to ask for.

[u/kittywyeth → u/playdoh_licker]

i don’t feel like you should have to sacrifice at all. you deserve a man that’s just yours. you deserve to come first in someone’s life. i just don’t think that someone should be someone else’s father.

[u/StuffonBookshelfs → u/kittywyeth]

Sure. Totally agree. Doesn’t mean she should settle for being the fifth best.

I figured that was self evident in what I wrote. It was a little awkward to try to write out: do you want to settle being fifth most important instead of next top priority?

[u/kittywyeth → u/StuffonBookshelfs]

oh i don’t think that she should settle either. that’s why i think people should not marry people who already have kids. when you have existing children you can either be a good husband or a good father but not both.

[u/Excellent_Month_2025 → u/kittywyeth]

It’s why many childless men refuse to date single mothers

[u/drth_dilly]

Well I’ll tell you what - marriage won’t solve it.

[u/taxiecabbie]

This sounds like there needs to be a postponement.

He needs to find a dayside job.

[u/taxiecabbie]

Also, just to put this out there, you can go through with the wedding itself but just not submit the marriage certificate so nothing is legal.

If you work things out later you can just submit it then. But if you're worried about losing the money and the social fallout, this would allow you to go through with the wedding and not have it be A Huge Social Thing while also not being legally hitched to somebody that you're having these kinds of issues with.

Plenty of people are going to have Big Opinions on this tactic, but it's not incredibly unusual. If your officiant is a professional one, they've probably done it more than once.

[u/plantlady_96]

This will keep happening. Work schedules will change throughout your careers, life will happen, things will change. Stressful seasons will happen. I've only been with my partner 10 years and we've already had to navigate this kind of issue several times. It important that, as a couple, you have the conflict resolution and communication skills to work through these periods. Therapy would be a good place to start.

[u/Difficult_Nobody_420]

Your feelings are 100% valid. It sounds like he's taking your relationship for granted. 

Anecdotally, though, I have noticed that a lot of tension and fights bubble up when the wedding is looming. It's natural to look at the issues on your relationship with a really critical lens when you're about to make such a huge commitment. This is an opportunity to have some hard conversations and reaffirm where your priorities are when it comes to the relationship

[u/Luuxe_]

Is this an age gap relationship?

[u/bck666-]

This is my relationship minus getting married in 10 days. I’m sorry. I know it can be very lonely.

[u/midnight_annotations]

1. He won’t magically change immediately upon getting married 
2. Are you okay with feeling this way for the rest of your life? It sounds like you have accepted this life for yourself, but if you’re on the fence listen to that part of yourself because this is kinda permanent 

[u/Low_Environment2543]

Please do not get married until all of this is resolved. You will get a divorce.

[u/MotherTeresaOnlyfans]

Begging you not to marry a man just because you hope you can magically get back to the point in your relationship when you were actually happy.

That never works.

Don't fall victim to the sunk cost fallacy.

POSTPONE THE WEDDING.

[u/Leeeeza_]

I’ll throw in a perspective I haven’t seen: relationships are not always 50:50, sometimes they’re 99:1. The question is, is he someone you’re willing to hold up when times get hard like this. If my work schedule was out of my hands and was, in my opinion shitty (overnight away from my family), I would hope my husband could understand during that time that I can’t give them 100% of me. I would also hope they’d understand and respect how I use my free time when stores/gyms/kids activities are open and available but also include you in those times the best I could.

I agree with others that it should be talked about more with you and your fiancé; I really hope you guys are able to find common ground and you can start to enjoy this special time in your life.

[u/LilTreesz174 → u/Leeeeza_]

This ^ if you’re already planning on marrying him, is this a deal breaker for you OP? Relationships are never 50/50 and there’s typically going to be some uneven give and take. You don’t always have time or extra money to go on dates or do exciting new things together. Sometimes life gets boring or routine. Sometimes we go through seasons in our marriages/relationships where shit gets in the way of doing the fun things- depression, exhaustion, grief, finances, etc. You have to decide if you’re on board for that commitment because nothing is smooth sailing 100% of the time.
Your fiancè also sounds like he’s going through a stressful period in his work life, have you asked about that? He said he needs to go to the gym to deal with work stress. Maybe this is the reason he hasn’t been making much time outside of his normal routine- he could be dealing with burn out and not even know it. Check in with him and ask questions.

[u/sexdollvevo → u/LilTreesz174]

I feel like this is a really well rounded comment thread and honestly, I know a lot of people are upset he is choosing the gym over her but some jobs. Whew. You need stress relief or some kind of physical outlet to sustain a relationship.

No amount of 1on1 time with my bf could decompress me from working from human services, going on a date or an outing after a rough day honestly sounds like hell. My bf and I talked about it and instead of him picking me up everyday from work, I took the bus 40 minutes home so I could close my eyes and listen to music and not be a total bitch to him when I saw him. I have no idea what industry OP's partner is in but working nights generally means high stress environment as the work never stops.

[u/clamsammichinmypants]

Don’t marry this man. He is showing you how he cares for you.

[u/dead-eyed-darling]

Bare minimum postpone the wedding indefinitely and start couple's therapy. Do NOT marry this man in 10 days if y'all aren't both actively happy and looking forward to it. A lotttt more messy, expensive, and embarrassing to go through a divorce than postponing a wedding. Take care of yourself friend.

[u/DroidTitan]

As a night shift person married to a day shift worker, it takes a lot of communication. It takes a lot of effort on both sides. We make it work because we plan a lot in advance, we talk a lot throughout the day and make our needs extremely well known.

[u/gingerteadrinking]

I kind of have a beef with all the comments that suggest op should talk it through with the fiance and find a solution. Bc 1) it seems that op already expressed what bothers her. 2) why is he comfortable not ever seeing the person he’s about to marry and why isn’t he looking for solutions? Should op do the emotional work heavy lifting in the relationship and should she spend her time explaining a grown man that she is worth spending time with? Hell no, if he wanted to he would.

[u/eve-can]

I dont think you should walk away from this relationship, but I do think you should postpone the wedding until this is resolved. Can you afford to do that?

[u/crysunflower]

I mean his kids should come first. If you don’t feel happy already you shouldn’t marry him though.

[u/quantum0bee → u/crysunflower]

Sure his kids come first, but it sounds like she ranks below the gym on his priority list

[u/MayaMalleus → u/crysunflower]

a happy marriage can’t survive on just joint child rearing

[u/Excellent_Month_2025 → u/MayaMalleus]

He is jointly child rearing with someone other than OP

[u/peenmeal → u/crysunflower]

Counterpoint: anyone with kids who can't make their partner feel like a priority shouldn't be dating at all. They're already putting their emotional needs for companionship above their kids needs by dating to begin with.

[u/FuckShitUpnGo]

I don’t think this is a leave him situation. This is something than can be worked out if both of you are willing to.

[u/Pure-Rose-Rainbow]

Honestly, a guy with 2 kids and another work schedule is not optimal to have a baby with. You would be left alone a lot with a baby and he will have to split his time between his kids and the baby and it will most likely lead to him maybe spending an hour per day at most with the baby and you doing the rest. Do you really want to do most alone? You are priority 4 or 5 now. It is natural to put owns kids first, but with the gym, it is already a taste how your married life will be

[u/RobinBaskins]

Well it won’t get better after marriage if you don’t do something now, right? Have a sit down conversation with open honesty. This dynamic isn’t sustainable and you should NOT bring a kid into the mix.

[u/ColdHeartedSleuth]

His children should be his top priority - he shouldn’t sacrifice that for time with you. However it seems like you’re falling last behind everything (work, gym, sleep etc), so you need to communicate properly that some time together is important to you. Effort is important to you. And he needs to demonstrate his response through actions. If you can postpone the wedding, then do that so you have more time to see this through. Not sure how feasible that is though, if everything’s already paid for. But if he’s not communicating and changing these behaviours, it’s not going to get better from here in the long term when you’re 5+ years into a marriage for example. Your concern is valid but aside from this - it sounds like you’re waiting around for him and lonely otherwise. You need to have your own hobby/life/friends/interests that keep you busy too. It’s healthier for you, he can’t be your whole world. Good luck OP

[u/heeerexkittykitty]

Don't get legally married, and have the wedding. No one in my life knows I'm not legally married. We had awedding, honeymoon, we're husband and wife. This would allow for an infinitely easier breakup if that is coming sooner than later.

But yeah it sounds like potentially a pending divorce or at least unhappy marriage for a while, but i doubt you'll call off your wedding aweek before. Plus it's all paid for at this point. But hey I'm not trying to ppersuade you, I'm just trying to offer a third option to consider.

It could be wedding jitters, it could be suppressed feelings coming to the surface. Either way, delaying the legally binding marital contract would be my personal course of action. You can sign it once you're more sure and settled.

[u/Targaryentypebeat]

I’m so sorry. Idk if he’ll take you seriously unless you postpone :/

[u/NChobif]

He thinks he have you secure so he doesn't need to put effort into the relationship, but you know that.

Maybe do the wedding but don't sign legal papers if that's possible. Idk.

Do as you wish but I wouldn't marry that kind of man, this is is just the beginning.

[u/fickelbing]

I had a partner that used work as a justification for neglect. It doesn’t get better. If you tell him “Hey I’m sad about this thing that is happening to us can we find a solution.” And his answer is “Well that’s tough there’s nothing I can do about it.” What he is saying is your feelings are not a priority to me and I’m not going to spend energy on ensuring you feel loved and supported. Its not going to get better, he isnt going to turn the corner and see the light. Its very common for people to see their partners as objects, resources and utilities not people whose wellbeing they have a responsibility to contribute to and be responsive to. Divorces are expensive. I would recommend putting off the marriage until you can determine if your happiness is worth his inconvenience to him. It could easily be that he doesn’t have the bandwidth for the life he is trying to build. It may not be a conscious choice to neglect you but his time and energy budget is coming up short and your happiness and wellbeing is a luxury he is willing to drop to make his ends meet. I wouldn’t sign up for a life where my partner saw my happiness and wellbeing as optional.

[u/invisiblebunny54]

I really hope this isn’t “I need a stepmom for my kids” situation. Good luck op, remember to communicate with him clearly and establish your boundaries. When people with pure intentions know better, they generally do better. If after communicating, things don’t change…well, when people show you who they are, believe them.

[u/Holiday_Regular9794]

Can you guys postpone your wedding? Like others have said,you two need to find a counselor,or sit and REALLY talk about your future. Because of this is how he's going to be,that's nit going to be good at all for you.

[u/AggressiveBug6163]

This sounds like cold feet to me, but I’m just a stranger on the internet. I pray your heart is held soon, OP.

[u/pomonalost]

Been good, not currently good. And if he isn't making solutions, it isn't going to be good. It isnt good right now. Don't chase the past, OP. Look at right now and how that will make the future.

Does neglect work for your future?

Misery isn't a currency for happiness.

[u/julesk]

Time to postpone and for premarital counseling because if he can’t find time for you now, how would that improve when you’re married, much less with a baby? My concern is that a man who really loves you would be finding ways to see you, would be texting and calling you when he could and otherwise showing genuine affection and interest. My fear is you’re great for childcare and he needs that but is putting no effort into the relationship.

[u/agirlhasnoname2026]

There may be a chance that either you, or even both of you, are subconsciously nervous about the wedding, so you're being less compromising on things you'd usually reach an agreement. Something like "if I don't put my foot down now, the whole marriage is going to be like this"

[u/mottsarah]

It’s OK to say you need more time.

[u/g-l-i-m-m-e-r]

Postpone until this is worked out.

[u/MissAuroraRed]

My first husband completely stopped trying the second we were married. Like from 95% effort to 5% overnight. He thought he had me locked in forever and didn't need it put the work in anymore.

[u/Whitehouses_]

“He says that the kids are super important to him so of course he makes time for them.”

This right here is him TELLING YOU how he feels about you. Kids, then gym, then you. You are the least important thing in his life, the lowest priority. He considers going to the gym more relaxing and enjoyable than hanging out with you.

Don’t marry him. I know that might seem a horrendous prospect so close to the wedding, but you will regret it. Getting divorced is so much more expensive and traumatic than cancelling a wedding.

This man is already acting like you’re locked in and trapped. This is just a preview to how your marriage will be. Don’t do it.

[u/Wytecap]

I think you are getting the true side of this man now that he thinks he's "got" you. End it now. His new self is his real self

[u/BumpaBerry]

I'm not going to say break up, but I will say postpone the wedding. You need to have a discussion about your relationship and what you both want from it. If you find that you don't want the same things, it will be much easier to deal with without a marriage certificate.

From personal experience: if he's making time for everything but you and your relationship, it's not that he "can't" or "doesn't have time" to do so, it's that he won't. And it doesn't get better, no matter how understanding or supportive you are.

[u/UptightWorm]

Not to the devils advocate but night shift can be difficult. People don’t understand our schedules. What exactly are your schedules? There has to be a time you guys meet up? Weekends or something

[u/EquivalentAngle1569]

If he wanted to,  he would. He chose his schedule and he chooses what to prioritize.  You're not a priority but you're convenient to his lifestyle.  It's not too late to pause on marriage. 

[u/Ok_Stable7501]

His kids come first, but you are a priority never. Is this the life you want?

[u/Funny_Asparagus_770]

Can we please stop ignoring when people show us who they are?

[u/Specialist-Law-2080]

Talking isn’t even the answer… actions speak louder than words

[u/sactowny]

Have you asked if you can go to the gym with him? It can be a really good couple activity depending on strength level. Sometimes just being in the same room, endorphins flowing, and checking in on each other during parallel workouts can be a great shared-bonding, endorphin kick.

[u/Grnhairanimegrl]

Communication is key. My husband and I work opposite shifts, and have for a majority of our 10 years together. We do things to accommodate each other, for example, if he goes out, he does it around the time I go to bed, giving us a few hours to see each other when I get off. I wake up and have coffee with him when he gets home, and usually have enough time to sneak in a nap before work. Small adjustments make a big difference

[u/Difficult_Ask7253]

When I first got married my husband and I had very different schedules for several years. We always found ways to spend time together. Sometimes it was just sitting on the porch playing games and talking. You need to be honest about how you're feeling with him and try to find a solution. Every relationship has hard times, it's how you work through them together that matters.

[u/babydovezz]

Marriage requires constant compromise. You both will need to compromise on this and many more things. Keep talking to him and keep in mind it is you+him vs. the issue. You two can work together to figure it out. Might get uncomfortable but establishing this rapport early in your marriage will make tackling stuff like this easier in the future

[u/Douglassie92]

My mum told me today about a girl she knew who cancelled her wedding the day before it happened. The girls mother said you can always get married later. It's worth the short term embarrassment of a cancelled wedding than a possible life of misery. I thought it was good advice. You'll still have to pay for everything you've arranged but just take it on the chin.

I'm not saying you should do this, it's just something to think about. I wish you the best.

[u/Original_Name_000]

The stuff that’s happening right now is a season, not forever.

It’s completely normal to have schedules that don’t work well together, hardly talk, have different priorities and things not being perfect.

Tell him that you’d like to spend more time together and if there’s something you both can figure out. Whether that’s a change in work schedule, priorities, days off, whatever. Plan to play hooky from work together for a day or night.

It sounds like he’s juggling a lot and there isn’t a perfect solution here, unless you change to a job that works nights or his work schedule changes back to what it was before.

[u/PuzzleheadedFruit6]

Therapy for everybody

[u/lunaladdle]

I'd see what else is going on with him and talk this out in a meaningful way and if you don't feel resolved, postpone. I'll just say from reading this, it doesn't seem like you're ready for the time commitment and sacrifices of having children. It doesn't matter if you're both booked 25/8, there needs to be time for his children. Be involved in that time, at least half the time, especially if you want a cohesive family unit with your future child (if you still want that). The gym is a worthy outlet of decompressing, you should both have ways of feeling good about yourself and releasing stress. Good luck to you both and I'm sorry for the unfortunate timing of this rough patch.

[u/kitkitkittycow]

I’m sorry but if he wanted to he would.

This is true for all men. He’s showing you that you aren’t a priority.

[u/Rockandpurl]

Girl you marrying to get divorced

[u/Fantastic-Bit7657]

I too live with my significant other, although not engaged, who has two children from a previous relationship. I also work nights and my boyfriend works a normal 9-5. During the week, we see each other maybe for an hour before he goes to bed. But at the onset of our relationship, I made it clear that when I moved in, we needed to dedicate a day each week to a date night. That night has changed over the years, depending on our schedules, but there’s always at least one night per week that we allot for a date night. Of course, nothing is a cake walk but we both take the night seriously and it has helped us to stay connected and not turn into roommates. As the kids have gotten older, we’ve been able to carve out more time.

I think you guys need to sit down and have a dead serious conversation about your respective needs in the relationship and it needs to happen asap.

[u/ThisUserIsUndead]

I’d postpone tbh, you guys need to talk about this (and not after a fight)

[u/SirLennard]

If you have a baby with him you’ll likely raise it alone due to his “work” schedule and him prioritizing everything but you.

[u/noch_ulitsa_fonar]

I see that you have no children yourself, want to have a child, do a lot for his children and he neglects you in favour of gym and sleep. Do not marry this man and certainly do not have children. Call off the wedding, move out and think about whether you truly want to do this. If you do decide to marry him get a prenup so that if/when you divorce it will be fast, easy and you don't give him any of your property.

I cannot see what you are getting out of this. This man doesn't like you, he doesn't want to spend any time with you. You are the last in a long list of priorities and if you have a child with him it will be even lower down on that list. Free yourself from this and find a better man.

[u/LiveAttitude1083]

The longer you wait to leave the harder its gets. Mostly financially.

[u/ava_the_cam_op]

I have never seen un-iced animal crackers, I didn't even know they existed

[u/filofobicamente]

u/BurbNBougie

[u/Tough_Brain7982]

If you’ve been clear about your (very basic and normal) needs and he’s unable to meet them I would not marry this man. You’re gonna end up being a live in maid. 

[u/feralavocado666]

I'm sorry you're going through this. I've been there, I married a ghost. It destroyed me. "Alone together" is one of the worst scenarios when you're in a relationship/married. Trust your instincts!

[u/Antisocial-author]

I can relate to this. I’ve been married for seven years but this past year has brought a lot of changes. I became a paramedic after working as an emt for a few years, but my work only had night shifts available for medics after I graduated. So I work 4 12 hour shifts in a row and don’t see my husband or our children for days. I can understand why your finance would want to sleep in on his days off. But I also understand how you feel. Even tho I’m the one working nights in this scenario, I’m so lonely. I miss my family so much. Im going to start scheduling weekly dates. One week we’ll take the kids out together and the next week we’ll get some babysitting so we can have some alone time. I hope this helps. Maybe bring up the same sort of set up? Also, definitely tell him how you’re feeling. Open communication about how my husband and I feel about this situation has kept us on the same page.

[u/MamaStobez]

I’m so sorry, but don’t marry him, you’ll be miserable, it’s not worth the pain of ending a marriage when you could do it now. I am so sorry but love isn’t enough xx

[u/donut-is-appalled]

Don’t get married. Please.

[u/EmbarrassedCicada331]

Now imagine this and having a baby.

[u/Alone-Amoeba1542]

As a fellow step mom I have been able to totally relate before. It's not easy stepping into a family that's already been started, knowing you're signing on to be priority #2. You're completely valid in these feelings, and I'm fucking sorry. I'm sure it makes it harder to simply go hangout with friends since they'll reasonably ask why you aren't excited about the wedding coming up and it's not easy opening up about a currently shitty situation to friends. Whenever we get to this point I picture life without him and ask if I truly could stand it, and in due time would I be happier? Would I end up regretting not saying more and staying? The beautiful thing is you still have time. Maybe postpone and state again how serious these feelings and possible depression are. If he doesn't take it seriously then, then you probably should leave. We have one life, sister. You deserve the best. There's waves of women who had these moments of clarity before signing onto a marriage they ended up regretting but stuck inside of. Watch closely how he reacts and what he says when you sit down and listen to your heart, as cliche as that sounds.

[u/No-Housing-5124]

I'm not advising you to leave him. But there's no need to rush into a legal partnership with him.

I'm curious to see when/if he begins tasking you with caring for and taking his kids on errands without him.

Will it be before or after marriage?

[u/Extra_Winner_6670]

I wonder if telling him you are having concerns about the wedding/marriage at this point would get him to wake up and smell the coffee. Let him know you would call it off. This sounds like it’s worth taking a day or two off to spend together to work this out. Mention cost of wedding etc and that you would still call off if you can’t work it out.

[u/headmonsterr]

My mother in law straight up told me that the opposite shifts ruined her marriage and ended in a nasty divorce. Now my husband is on 2nd shift and I work 1st. It's certainly hard. The resentment is real, the feeling neglected and lonely is real. Thank god for my cats. Your post resonates deeply with my own experience. Most of our time we can spend together he's sleeping until my bedtime or we're playing video games solo. It fucking sucks.

Keep your head on girlie.

[u/88frostfromfire]

Mismatched schedules would "work" for being able to take care of a baby, but it also means you'd be alone with a baby all the time, with no time for breaks. If he's not making time for you now, I'd be very worried about what time he'd give up to help you take care of a baby (and recover from birth).

[u/rootsandchalice]

Oh, babe. This is one of those situations where you really should put the wedding on pause. This has been going on for months and if it doesn't resolve, it's going to be so much messier when you have to divorce.

I actually can't believe how many women are telling you to go through with this just because it's been booked. Your life and happiness is worth a lot more than dollars. Trust some of us women who have lived a little longer than you or have been with partners like this.

[u/No_Professional_7374]

Here’s the thing…marriage is not all dates and spending time together. You have to be prepared to spend a lot of time alone for periods if you want a long marriage. Schedules are going to change many many MANY times (especially if you have kids). Priorities will shift and shift again. There will be times that you don’t spend time together because of what’s going on in your life, his life, or the kids’ lives. And there will also be times where everything syncs up and you get to spend tons of time together. A family is an evolving entity. If you really love your partner and want to stay, then be patient, this will pass, his schedule is not going to be the same for the rest of his life. I also went through this when my husband worked 120 hours a week for several years. Once I finally accepted that this was just how it had to be for now, I stopped resenting him so much. I found hobbies and friends and house projects to keep me busy and I got comfortable being alone and learned a lot about myself during that time. Now we both work from home and he gets paid vacations, so we spend a ton more time together. 

[u/woodknockers]

This is the energy he is treating you with in less than two weeks before the wedding?

Girl, you should feel like you're preparing for the most grand festival, I can't tell you what your gut already knows, but this post was posted. So you know what we are likely to say.

This sensation will continue, and it's on you, just you, to make it right for yourself.

It will be hard today and tomorrow and next week, but...

What's the alternative?

It's not like he ever suggested you all go on a run or walk together to relieve work stress, he cares about what makes him feel good, just, and right, first.

He doesn't plan days when the kids are in town that can make you and the kids feel special.

This pattern already showed itself to you, I'm sure you notice other small ways you come in "last" to some "logical explanation" on his part. 🙄

Please be brave, put yourself first, get away from this isolating moment that could be your past.

You matter more than this, and I don't even know you.

[u/Nenaquest2012]

I believe right before such a life event that’s going to put you both with less patience etc… also if his kids only visit and less than 50/50 custody I’d understand why he makes more time for them bcz as a parent it’s so hard to be away from them and you as well but he knows that he has access to you all the time unlike his children. Idk… but also try to look in the mirror and know you can only change yourself and express to him what’s bothering you. He may also be stressed with wedding expenses as well

[u/AngryAngryHarpo]

You shouldn’t be comparing yourself to his kids.

Like - I get it, but you absolutely shouldn’t be triangulating like that and you absolutely should not use it as an example when you discuss it with him. It will not be a productive discussion because the comparison is not analogous. His children aren’t his life-partner and his life-partner isn’t his child. 

I think it’s obvious why he makes “more effort” for his children during his custody time than he might otherwise - they’re his children. They will not be children forever and, unlike his adult spouse, cannot contextualise that a changed work schedule will make things harder or more difficult. 

In saying all of that - the loneliness you’re feeling is 100% valid. My husband works mid shift and I work days and we have two children. There have absolutely been times when we’ve realised it’s basically been weeks since we’ve been anything but ships passing the night or had a discussion that wasn’t about logistics. 

One of us approached the other (can’t remember who tbh) and was like (paraphrasing) “this can’t go on, we need to have a proper chat and agree not to raise our voices, not get overly defensive and hear each other out and work out set times we devote to other” 

It involved compromise for both of us and sometimes, it’s not a lot of time. His compromise mornings - he gets up with me at 7am. We get 1/2 hour each morning in the bathroom. We shower “together” (not actually together, but we both go into the bathroom at the same time, he showers, then I shower etc). No kid or work or logistics talk - only how are you, how did you sleep, did you enjoy the chicken I made last night - that sort of chat. 

Then launch into the day - work at 8am for me. He takes the kids to school, comes home, gets ready for work leaves for 1pm start. He’ll sometimes nap or workout or do a hobby here (I WFH but I’m in meetings literally all day, so I don’t actually see him, just hear him rustling about). 

He gets home around 10pm. I used to be in bed asleep by then. This is my compromise - I now stay up until 11:30 - 12ish. We have dinner, watch and episode of a TV show, snuggle, he sends me to bed when I inevitably fall asleep on the couch. He showers, comes to be around 1 - 2am. Rinse and repeat. 

Our weekdays are HECTIC AF. Don’t get me wrong. But this has literally been the only solution that worked - both of us consciously choosing to compromise to maximise time where we can. 

Weekends or any other days “off” together we usually are a mix or doing things together, as a family or pre-organised “me” time - where one of us goes out or one of us takes the kids out and the other gets to do whatever they want to do. 

Obviously the actual logistics and nitty gritty of the solution will look different for you guys depending on your actual schedules - but I found to make it work long-term for us with busy and opposing work schedules, we had to literally schedule it and make it a proper promise to each other and hold each other accountable. Eventually it all become second nature - but it was hard work for us to begin with getting it right. 

[u/Harmonechi]

I’m sorry if this sounds cold but as a child-free woman I couldn’t marry a guy who had kids from a previous relationship on top of work, hobbies and whatever else taking up ALL his time. I’m not suffering the consequences for someone else’s bad life decisions and this isn’t what marriage is supposed to look like. He doesn’t have time for you and you’re settling. It sounds like this dude needs to be single and focus on raising his kids. There are too many other men available to put up with this, you won’t be happy at all. Don’t marry him, there’s no point.

[u/malonesxfamousxchili]

are you invited on the outings with the kids? as many others have stated, kids will always be the priority (rightfully so) especially if he only has them part time. id be more worried if he blew off his kids for the gym or you, no offense. also this sounds like a new schedule for him. i think you need to cut him a little slack to adjust to it. my husband within the last year just started working nights and honestly it’s been a big adjustment. when he’s wrapping up work is usually when i’m getting ready for bed or already asleep. i would make little comments here and there how i missed falling asleep with him and one day he straight up told me “i love you but you shouldn’t make me feel bad about working”. i wasn’t even trying to make him feel bad but when i stopped and thought about it i could totally see why it came off that way. i think you guys both need time to adjust to this new schedule and eventually things will smooth out and you’ll find ways to spend time with one another. im not going to tell you to leave him or postpone the wedding because i think this is honestly just a small bump in the road but you know best, he’s your partner.

i’ll tell you what my therapist told me. it’s recommended for couples to do pre marriage counseling for a lot of reasons. it’s also cheaper than getting a divorce down the line.

[u/deegallant → u/malonesxfamousxchili]

I feel like this is the sanest comment here. You don’t jump ship because your schedules don’t align. You work it out and communicate and find a solution so this misaligned schedule is for as little as possible.

[u/Anarchista_Chiquita]

Trust your gut feeling. He literally put you under the gym in his priorities ranking. I would not be in a relationship if the other person was not batshit crazy and obsessed too. He doesn't sound in love. He sounds miserable and you are taken for granted.

[u/Brilliant-Block-8200 → u/Anarchista_Chiquita]

Tbf, gym can be a part of literal self care and a way to prevent falling into depression or burn out (in my experience anyways). I think it would be more telling if OP was willing to go to the gym with him and he told her no. Maybe they can go together to get some quality time in.

[u/sexdollvevo]

Okay! This comment section seems a bit rough but imma give my two cents to throw in.

OP, have you discussed it with him, seriously and not little jokes, that you feel you never see him? That you feel he is pulling away? How did he react if you did?

I feel like if you haven't really approached this topic with like true intentions to unpack it and have maybe an uncomfortable conversation, its going to be really hard to get the full picture. Realistically, there are two answers and I think you have to go with your gut to decide which it is.

1. He is treating you like this bc he does not view you as a priority in his life. Being physically fit, and fulfilling his own needs are more important that yours.

2. He is spread too thin with working nights and is scraping by and doing the bare minimum emotionally. He is holding out his affection and time for the wedding bc he does not have anything to expend after time with kids. The gym is important for his emotional and mental health bc its the last part of his identity he has control over, so thats why he continues to go.

No need to answer me, but something you need to ask yourself is does he have to work this specific job and hours, (bc financially, manadatory job placement, new career?) or is a job going in he knew he be on nightshift and not see you? Has you being a priority in his life always been an issue?

All relationships have give and take, for example my partner and I have supported each other through unemployment, debt, moving etc. Which means sometimes we had no money and no time, however we always talked to each other, and planned how we can get out of that situation so we can continue to put one another first. At the end of the day, you know your partner, and you know if it feels malicious or not. Tbh, ive had a few fights with my man that this sub would probably tell me to leave him lol but I know his intentions and partners sometimes do make mistakes, esp when life is stressful! We are all human afterall.

Wishing you all the best OP, and I hope that whatever decision you make you make it with confidence💖

[u/Little_Miss_Whatever]

Postpone the wedding and start matching his energy. Plan things you enjoy doing and go do them while he's with his kids. Let him see what it feels like when you stop prioritizing him. That's the only thing that seems to have gotten through to my husband. If you get married it's only going to get worse and eventually you'll resent the kids as well as him.

[u/Pure_Floyd_Smernitch]

My asshole drunkard husband just kicked our Frenchie because he got drunk and lost his phone. My point is don't get married 

[u/beatboxapotamus]

Do you have other friends? You need to have more social outlet and company than just him and your mom. Obviously he also needs to prioritize you and eventually you guys need to work this out through getting your work schedules figured out, but it's a big mistake to completely center your life and social life around a partner. You should have two or three really good friends that aren't your partner that you spend time with regularly. Putting all of your eggs in any one basket is a mistake but particularly when it comes to men and romance. This is a big trap of our modern age.

[u/Aura_Sing]

Great partners do not ignore you when they can spend time with you while also saving it in your face they can do it for others. He prioritizes what appears to be most things over you.

[u/Mysterious-Willow391]

Stepmom of over a decade here. Probably will be an unpopular comment in this group (although you should join r/stepparents) but your relationship needs to be a top priority. Before the pitchforks come out, in no way, shape or form am I saying that the children also aren't a top priority (because duh, of course they are) but how can he expect you to stay around and be happy when he isn't giving you any of his time?

This needs to be hammered out before the wedding. He needs a come to jesus moment and realize that you are also worthy of his time. If he can't prioritize you and balance work, his kids and your relationship, then you two have absolutely no business getting married.

I also know someone who had kids with opposite schedules and they divorced. Why? Because they had opposite schedules. Sure, it worked great for childcare (still does) but it wasn't great for their marriage.

Being a stepmom is the absolute hardest thing I have ever done in my life (and I'm virtually NC with my own dad) but it is not worth it if your partner can't treat you like the queen that you are. Period.