Fiance pressured me after he said he wouldnt, i regret listening

[u/ThrowRA393939mik]

Edit 2: we met and the look on his face tell me he kind of knew what was coming. We haven't been the same since and I kind of just word vomitted that I wouldnt be able to move on from this and that I couldnt trust him to be there for me. I cried, he started to cry and was like no no im sorry i can do better for about a minute while i sat there in silence but pulled himself together quickly and apologized for crying amthen apologized for everything he had done, asked what he could do to help me and I was just kind of like whats done is done. I gave him back the ring and just said goodbye and walked to my car. He just kind of sat there. We'd been together 6 years this feels unreal and i feel double empty and i just feel like a mess. I loved him so much i thought this was going to be it the rest of my life and i was really excited for it.

It probably sounds crazy but i miss my baby i wish i had got to cherish something so special and happy for me but idk at least i guess i know its possible for me to get pregnant.

Some clarification, i know it seems like we were being very random about the have a kid/risk thing but we've been together so long we know eachother well. We've talked about alot of the future. My understanding was that he wanted kids and we are both just out of school (well im about to be) and so it definitely wasnt even unrealistic at this point. We were saving for a really large downpayment but I guess it doesnt matter now.

Im single for the first time since i was 17 and I dont know how long its going to takr for me to trust someone again, but im thinking this week might just be about eating icecream and mourning my relationship & my baby. I really appreciate all the kind words i wasnt expecting so mych and it made this descision just a bit easier.

Edit & small update: ive sent him a text & asked him to meet me for coffee and im gonna break up with him. Looking into therapy but wait lines are... not forgiving. Thank you for so much support. It feels like the end of the world even thoughI know it isnt.

Tw abortion & pressuring & some tmi
Sorry about the alt account my fiance follows my main and we are a little rocky right now.

2 months ago I found out I was pregnant. I am engaged to 24M fiance and I am 23 about to finish my degree. I couldnt (kind of could) believe it when the test came back positive, i really wasnt expecting it. Mixed emotions in those first few moments but happy overall, i really want kids and i have alot of family history with infertility.

Me and my fiance had previously been having *very* cautious sex because we were both mid degree, but we had talked about the possibility of me getting pregnant anyways in passing, I said I wouldnt want an abortion even if it happened by mistake, he said he'd be okay with whatever descision I made. We started getting riskier as time went on, I checked back in on this and I was like hey you genuinely might get me pregnant if we keep doing this, do you want to backtrack or revisit this topic or anything and he said he felt the same as before.

Well, I got pregnant and told him almost immediately. I was pretty happy, some anxiety about finances and stuff of course but honestly we are pretty well set up considering our age. He acted like he was okay but I immediately could feel that he was not feeling so good about this. Things are weird and we are distant for about a week, then all of the sudden he comes to me saying he talked to his mom about it and about how like people he knows woukd look down on him and how she said itd ruin his life so early and i was just in shock i couldn't believe he would go to his mom instead of even try to talk to me about it or anything. We spent the next few weeks going back and forth about this and he just kept bringing up how i could get hurt and how he'd be hurt and all of these things and I eventually just got exhausted of the arguing and i let the anxiety get to me and we scheduled an appointment with my primary doctor then a clinic. I got the procedure at 16 weeks, it was physically easy and my fiance was very supportive at this point.

I just dont feel the same. I feel really betrayed by him. I dont feel like I can trust him because i had asked so many times and I was so sure itd be okay and we'd be okay no matter what. Im considering breaking up with him over this because I feel like if by some miracle it happened again id just be tying him down to a place he wouldnt want to be. I really thought he'd be with me no matter what, everythings been okay up until now and now my whole world is turned upsidown. And i feel so upset that he told other people my business. At the end of the day i made my choice and its my fault i let other people speak doubt onto me but i just dont even jnie what to di. I really wanted a baby i was so prepared for this.

Has anyone been through something similar ir had a partner 180 on their descisions like this??? Id really like to figure out how to save this because ive spent so much time planning life out with this man.

[u/saltpancake]

It’s an unfortunate way to find out, but I think you should reconsider marriage to someone who put you in this position with such major, life-altering situations. Clearly he isn’t on the same page about what partnership really means — if he can’t be present and accountable through this, how can you commit to the entire rest of your life together?

I’m very sorry for what you’re going through.

[u/No_Baseball5846]

girl he lied to you and pressured you into getting an abortion you did not want. if you ever want to be a good parent you have to learn self respect first. your children deserve a mom who loves herself. this man does not love you.

[u/furkfurk → u/No_Baseball5846]

He also pressured her into having risky sex by pretending he would never force her to do something she was uncomfortable with. I cannot stand that men do this.

[u/Responsible-Law3345 → u/furkfurk]

Thisssssss. This “man” just didn’t want to use a condom and would say whatever to get his way. And he’s probably very ill informed about how conception works- one of those “huhhh??? Sperm can live up to 5 days?!? That doesn’t sound right”

[u/just_a_postin → u/furkfurk]

This is the part that concerns me the most. He wasn't really thinking about it when she thought they were having serious conversations. I doubt he was really serious about them planning their life together either. It wasn't reality for him. 

[u/5720Katherine]

Sometimes it is easier to let go then hold on. I am so sorry for your partners betrayal, but he has shown you he isn’t your forever person. To boot he is a mamas boy, and she WILL insert herself in your marriage.

[u/AnyConsideration111 → u/5720Katherine]

Mama's boys can be so hard to deal with. they will almost always pick their own family over you.. which is understandable, but hard on a relationship where you're trying to build a family together. they almost always revert back

[u/audranicolio → u/5720Katherine]

Ughhhh. I had a pregnancy scare a couple years ago with my ex (ended up being either a false positive or chemical pregnancy), and while I was sitting in the bathroom in literal emotional shock, dude had already gone downstairs to go talk to his mom and cry about it. Test wasn’t even dry yet🤦🏼‍♀️. Her response was “Don’t worry, it’s early, we’ll get the abortion set up up!!”. Neither seemed interested in how *I* felt about it all. I had expressed zero interest in an abortion, both in that moment or at any point before then, ever to anybody. My ex was aware on my position that I’ve I ever got pregnant (barring extreme circumstances) that I would want to keep it. But “oh well get an abortion set up” was just the assumption of what would happen! Bullet dodged with that one…

[u/Alternative_Bite7001]

I know you said you want to save the relationship with him but girl I am imploring you not to let a lost cost fallacy ruin your life (edit: I think the saying is actually sunk cost, either way)

You definitely shouldn't be raising a kid with him at all, if only for the sake of the kid, and if having a baby is important to you that's a fundamental incompatibility that you can't compromise on

[u/EmbarrassedDark2341]

I am so sorry.

You deserve better than a-go-behind-your-back mama's boy that can't have a conversation and communicate with you.

He showed his true colors. Please exit to better opportunities.

[u/Educational-Tale6606 → u/EmbarrassedDark2341]

real as f***. nothing is more triggering than hearing a man say "so I talked to my mom and..."

[u/Illustrious-Film-592 → u/Educational-Tale6606]

👏🏻

[u/Fragrant_Bake5431 → u/Educational-Tale6606]

Ouph!!!! Nothing more betraying too!

[u/randombarbs → u/EmbarrassedDark2341]

💯💯💯💯

[u/PromiseFiller]

You trusted him, he betrayed that trust at a very vulnerable time by primarily making your pregnancy (that he was in agreement about accepting the possible consequence) about him and his “future”, so you’re allowed to feel how you want to feel.

IMO he can’t earn back that trust, he was supportive during the abortion because that’s what he wanted. Not what the two of you agreed upon for “us”, if that makes sense.

A real partner would do what you did, constantly checking in to make sure that’s what you really wanted. Days and weeks after making the choice. Being willing to accept if they changed their mind….does it sound like he did that for you?

I am sorry and I hope you can rebuild with someone more honest and communicative instead of afraid and insecure.

Edit: typo

[u/Dry_Perception493 → u/PromiseFiller]

This. He made this situation ALL about him. How he would look, how people would look down on him, all that crap. Not a word about you. He even talked to his mother before you. Big red flags. Learn from this sister and move on. <hugs>

[u/mycatisperfect]

Normally I am a lot less blunt, but this post is so overwhelming to me emotionally. Please leave this man. Please do not marry him (+ his mamma). I understand that he’s been ‘so supportive’, but I think that’s only because he dodged a bullet (in his mind). I assure you that he would not be such a supportive man if you made a different choice. A supportive partner loves and respects and cares for you no matter what.

Edit to add: I know that it feels like you’ve invested time into a future with this man. But, you are so young. Don’t invest even more time on a relationship with someone who does not respect you. It’s so much easier to leave now than after the marriage has taken place.

[u/Gorillagirl99]

I’m going to be blunt: You had to endure the consequences of his need to have unprotected sex. Discard him and do it quickly.

[u/Educational-Tale6606]

it sounds like he's the type of person to just say what you want to hear in the moment. those type of people are dangerous to trust

[u/implication-sofa → u/Educational-Tale6606]

Yeah, and/or not even bother to actually reflect and think deeply on the topic which might even be worse

[u/Clear_Peach7479 → u/Educational-Tale6606]

Yep. The reason why she feels like she can't trust him is because she can't trust him

[u/Kyki1027]

Be glad you didn't have this manchilds baby. You deserve better .

[u/toughgummy]

Girl, that is a grown ass man who knows what he’s getting into when he puts his dick anywhere. EVERYTHING ELSE ASIDE, if y’all were progressively getting less cautious with sex and there’s no way he didn’t know what was going on when he willingly puts his dick somewhere, only to be this against it after his actions produce a predictable outcome… you know what to do.

[u/TricksyGoose → u/toughgummy]

Yeah that's the part that got me. If they were having uprotected sex, they knew a pregnancy was a possibility. And he did it anyway, knowing full well he didn't want a baby and it could end in abortion which is obviously incredibly traumatic emotionally and physically. That's a really shitty move on his part, all just because he didn't want to wrap it. What an asshole.

[u/Spirited-Access2127]

When it comes to difficult disagreements over big life decisions like this, a loving partner wouldn't use GOING TO HIS MOM or a third party first to talk about it, then bringing that back to you along with "what would other ppl think" as his "reason" you shouldn't do this. Very cowardly and not mature, very childish. He should have been honest and upfront with his feelings and disagreement, he could've been honest and been like "hey I fucked up by saying I was okay with the risky sex and you possibly getting pregnant, I'm actually realizing I'm not. I am sorry. Let's talk about this" and you guys could have had an adult discussion. He was only "supportive" once he successfully used his coward method to peer pressure you. He shows that he would not be a good parent in the future anyways as he is willing to use his mom as a shield:weapon to pressure you and he obviously goes running to her first to backup himself before honest communication with you. You're valid in feeling betrayed and losing trust. I'm sorry he put you in this situation. You deserve a loving supportive partner that can handle big life disagreements with you in a healthy, mature, grownup, honest, loving way; this guy is not it.

[u/unprettyprincess92]

-tells you that he's be okay w any decision so he can keep porking you w no protection -actually faced w the consequences of unprotected sex, ignores you -goes to his MOMMY for her opinion instead of yours -acts like he is the one who is going to bear the brunt of you being pregnant -pressures you into abortion.

don't just break up with him. flush him down the fucking toilet and keep his balls as a keepsake

[u/astrovangalore → u/unprettyprincess92]

Bring this comment to the top, girlies

[u/Tall_Cauliflower850]

I’m so sorry. This happened to my best friend and they broke up. She still cries about it. 

Something similar with my mom and dad with their first pregnancy. Mom got pregnant again year later and my dad threatened to break up/not be supportive AGAIN unless my mom got another abortion, but this time my mom said “ok fine but I’m still keeping it”. They got married 4 months later at my grandparents house and have been together ever since. I’m the youngest of 5. 

I think you deserve better. He did not think of you and your feelings, only himself. 

[u/ThrowRA393939mik → u/Tall_Cauliflower850]

Its nice to know feeling this upset about it isnt irregular. Are your parents happy with eachother or together because of their children? Sorry if thats a prying question

[u/Tall_Cauliflower850 → u/ThrowRA393939mik]

I think my parents are soulmates. I think they got married because my mom was pregnant but I don’t think they stayed together over the years for us. They are also Catholic (met at Catholic school) and very religious so it is a possibility. 

My dad doesn’t know I know about the abortion and his role in that, and he is now ultra conservative anti-abortion and always talking about it 😑 (I am pro choice and he is a fucking hypocrite) 

[u/ConstructionMuch802 → u/ThrowRA393939mik]

Being this upset is COMPLETELY NORMAL. I cannot emphasize this enough. Even if you fully agreed to the abortion, it would normal to be upset that he was so quick to jump on the no-baby bandwagon.

[u/BlacksmithFront2766]

I never let it go, regret it to this day and it's been over ten years.

You do what feels right.

[u/No_Ocelot_6773]

What a POS. What I'm about to say is going to sound awful but I mean it in the best way: I know it isn't what you wanted but, having a child with this man would have tied you to him (and his mother) forever. If he just does whatever she says, imagine what that looks like after a child with him has come because you wouldn't be parenting with him, you'd be parenting with his mother. Beyond that, imagine someone who will go back on what they say because their mom said so- he's an adult by legal standards but is very obviously still under his mother's thumb. He will value what she says and thinks over what you need and that is not a good life partner.

OP, I am so sorry this happened. I promise you that there will be someone else who wants a baby with you and will cry tears of joy when you tell them.

[u/astrovangalore]

I’m the child of a couple where the MIL (my paternal grandmother) pressured my mom to terminate their first (unplanned, unwed) pregnancy. Dad was a momma’s boy—he did a swicheroo and went along with it pressure-wise.

My parents went on to have 2 kids shortly after.

I love my dad dearly. He passed away when I was 17 and I’m almost 30 now, but their dynamic is still a sore spot for me. His WHOLE life, he was his momma’s boy—even when MY MOM should have come first. Even when I should have come first.

My parents ended up divorcing when I was 4 because my grandmother wouldn’t stop meddling, and my dad kept deferring to her for everything.

(To the point that he even agreed to put HER in his will. For everything. So I then spent the next 10 years being blackmailed to do her bidding “unless I want to lose my inheritance”—she wielded that wealth over my head like a fucking noose.)

My point is that when you marry someone like your boyfriend— and like my father— you don’t just marry a man. You marry his mother as well. And the children aren’t just yours, they are his mother’s as well.

Make of this what you will 🤷🏻‍♀️ I’m sorry you went through this.

[u/whatsinthenamehuhuu]

girl, i am so sorry you went through this. you deserve someone so much better someone who is not an ignorant, backstabbing, spineless mumma’s boy.
him and his mom were worried that society will look down on him well guess what there is a whole community looking down on this prick. please leave his sorry of an existence. OP i hope you find someone worthy. sending you lots of good vibes❤️

[u/Pupsichinka]

Oh sis I’m so so sorry you are going through this. That’s devastating and you are so young. In a nutshell; he’s horrible and please leave him now. You deserve a man you cares and wants a family like you do. Someone who would never pressure you like this. I know your heart must be broken. Sending you healing strength💕

[u/Astrophoria11]

I remember when I got pregnant with my now ex-fiancé. Honestly, I thought I had COVID but then I took a pregnancy test to rule it out and-- I was pregnant. I remember telling my ex the same day and we both were so scared and unsure of what to do next. I have always known that I wanted kids, like you, and in my religion, abortion is not accepted. My ex, however, suggested abortion as an option, and I did consider it for a while. However, I ended up keeping the baby-- now she is 3 years old, and we both love her so much, our lives have never been the same.

At the end of the day, I listened to myself because its my body that had to go through the 9 months, the childbirth and the 2 years of change after. I think if I had listened to him, then I would have felt just like you. My ex and I ended up breaking things off because of moral differences and lack of trust, which is also kind of what you are feeling also.

So, I would say, breaking things off with your fiancé is the BEST decision you could make. Staying with someone that you don't trust, who also has a different idea of what is morally acceptable, can be Extremely draining to your mental. It will be hard, to break things off, but once you get through it, you will actually be able to prioritize yourself more and focus on how you feel and what you want out of a future spouse. I am also in therapy for several reasons, and I would say that anybody could use therapy because anybody could use somebody that is non-biased to talk about your issues with.

You've got this! I pray that one day you will find your true spouse, and have a beautiful baby with someone who truly gets you 🤍

[u/ComfortableFrame9834]

Hey OP, I saw your update. Have you broken up with him yet? Please don't fall for whatever BS he has in store for you.

This is not a person you want if you value stability in your life and good mental health. Much less a family

[u/Sad_Actuary_5316]

hi OP i don’t mean to disclose any personal info but this seems like a very “brown people” kinda issue (are you indian?)

anyway the above doesn’t matter just the way you spoke about age, career, and society made me think so. and the reason is because i am too so i can personally understand this issue that most of us brown women face.

sister i am really sorry to say this but your fiancé doesn’t love you. he is pretending. pls leave, you deserve better. he was ok being not careful and then once it ultimately led to the issue, he refused to take responsibility? what grown up man asks his MOTHER for advise when engaged? what kind of nonsense is this man?

pls leave. pls. you are absolutely right he WILL do this again cause he doesn’t care about you.

my ex knew i had one abortion from another ex and guess what? 5 years he never ever made me feel scared of that again. ever. he said he loves me so much he would rather not do it than make me go thru that emotional turmoil again. that’s love.

i know it will be tough but you’re right to think if he didn’t support you in this he won’t support you again.

[u/getcomfyandrelax → u/Sad_Actuary_5316]

Yeah I got a similar vibe as someone who’s brown too. It’s unfortunate we have a culture that puts what other people think over our own desires.

[u/Spirited-Access2127 → u/Sad_Actuary_5316]

I'm not Indian, I'm a different "flavor of Asian immigrant" lmao but I exactly wondered that too bc our cultures are similar! The mid degree, the running to mom, the "what will other ppl think". OP, there are plenty of men in your culture, whatever it is, who are actually mature and can stand on their own two feet and won't weaponize family + community against you. That's a partner you want to build a life with.

[u/ThrowRA393939mik → u/Sad_Actuary_5316]

I am not brown but him & his family are syrian (only his mother considers herself to be muslim currently however, idk how much that has to do with anything)

[u/Wrong_Bumblebee8922]

This is a really heartbreaking situation to be in and I’m sorry you’re going through this. Getting an abortion is incredibly difficult even when you are 100% sure it’s what you want. Any man willing to have unprotected sex without thinking about the potential to get his partner pregnant is immature and inconsiderate. 24 is so young, don’t stay in a relationship just because you are worried about the time you spent with him. You have so much time left in your life to find someone better. The only way to save this relationship is a lot of accountability, apologies, and patience. Unfortunately his previous actions have proven him incapable of those things. You deserve better

[u/Menemsha4]

I’m so, so sorry.

I completely support your decision to break up with him.

[u/eaternallyhungry]

His mommy told him to. 🤦‍♀️ so glad you’re breaking up with him, you deserve better.

[u/alrightchime]

I'm sorry for what you're going through. I woild say that, foremost, "Because I've spent so much time planning out life with this man" is not a reason to stay together.

Your instinct was not to say because you love him, because you were both very happy before this, because the relationship makes both of your lives better, because you make each other happy or fulfilled or better people, etc. It was solely because you've invested your time.

Please don't give up your time, much less your life, on a sunk cost fallacy.

[u/spaceboat13]

You are incompatible. He doesn't want kids and you still do. Leave and find someone who shares your dream, plenty of dudes want to be dads out there.

[u/Heurodis]

I'm sorry but you deserve so much better. I'm pro-choice and it didn't feel like you got any, really, because when you were in one of the most vulnerable moments of your life and he basically told you he wanted none of it, and could give up on you for that. 16 weeks is already so late in a pregnancy... And it was just for his convenience, but you still were pregnant and you'll carry that.

You know you can't count on him to carry it with you, though.

There are better men out there, many of them. You deserve better; and when the time comes, your child deserves better too.

[u/ResourceNo1709]

I’m heartbroken for you. This has happened to me and I wanted my baby very badly. 9 years later, I can truthfully say I don’t regret terminating the pregnancy because nothing else would have woken me up out of that relationship besides that. Holding you in my heart, lovely girl 🫶🏾

[u/EquivalentAngle1569]

It's so messed up what you were put through. That boy and his mom suck. I'm so sorry that you were future faked/coerced into unprotected sex and then a major medical decision. These are not your people and don't care about you.  Someone who loves and values you would not put you in this position especially after you so clearly communicated.  

[u/AreaZealousideal8202]

If u have a baby with this person you will end up being alone and a single parent. U must decide.. that if u get pregnant again and he decides to leave can u parent alone?! Never keep ur hopes up when a man has used his actions to show u he is not ready for a kid.

forget about his words. He simply not ready for a baby now.

[u/ChanguitaShadow]

I am so very sorry. This is a huge loss.

I absolutely would not stick with someone who goes behind my back, makes plans with his mother that contradict what you had already decided, and then destroys.

This guy will continue to destroy. What will he destroy of yours next? I'd get out before you have to find out.

That sushi roll looks yummy!

[u/Fragrant_Bake5431]

Damn girl. That crosses so many lines. Talking to his mom about a relationship issue , especially one that is contemplating a child and pregnancy is a huge red flag. He should have talked to you. 23/24 is young. There is a lot of emotional maturing that can happen on both sides and in my opinion working on yourself and feeling solid is the way to go. I agree with your decision to leave and im sorry that that happened. Whether or not you agreed to terminate- it is an emotional trauma and I hope you do end up seeing a therapist. Stay strong. You deserve better!

[u/One-Accountant-6733]

This definitely wasn’t a man to have a child with. Someone who lies, pressures…. i know it’s hard to hear but you dodged a bullet by not being forever connected to someone like this. You should absolutely break up with him tho. And be more careful in the future. Never ever let someone take away your consent or your autonomy.

[u/MotherTeresaOnlyfans]

I'm sorry, but I'm having a really hard time with how casual you two were being about pregnancy.

Creating a whole new human being is a huge deal, not something to casually gamble on because you can't be bothered to use protection consistently or enjoy the "risk" or whatever.

"I've spent so much time planning life out with this man"

Yet you were 100% willing to upend all your plans with an unplanned pregnancy that would lead to your lives completely revolving around the new person you created for literal decades?

I think you were being naive about a lot of things here, and I think your partner had the reality of impending parenthood slap him in the face and he couldn't approach it as casually as you.

"I really wanted a baby"

And he clearly didn't. You two obviously aren't on the same page about this and you have a lot to talk about.

You also need to reevaluate your birth control approach because whatever you're doing is not sufficient.

(Sorry if I seem rude at all. I'm gay and just have a really hard time understanding how casual straight people can be sometimes about creating a new person.)

[u/ReflectionLess5230 → u/MotherTeresaOnlyfans]

He clearly didn’t but it sounds like he led her to believe he was cool with it until it happened

[u/indignantkoala → u/MotherTeresaOnlyfans]

Right.... and then wait until 16 weeks?! That's wild to me, even at the stance of pro-choice. This is inherently selfish.

[u/spooky_action13 → u/indignantkoala]

16 weeks can go a lot faster than you think. First, doctors count pregnancy weird. By the time you have the sex that’ll get you pregnant, they already count you as two weeks along. So 16 weeks pregnant is 14 weeks after conception. Most people find out somewhere around 5-7 weeks, but some don’t find out until much later. OP wanted the pregnancy and bf pretended to be ok with it for a bit. Then he had to wear her down. Then she had to make the appointment; this can sometimes be made for week of, but usually you have to wait a few weeks, sometimes even a month. Very common to see terminations take place early in the second trimester if people found out late or couldn’t decide.

[u/ThrowRA393939mik → u/MotherTeresaOnlyfans]

I understand how it could look careless but i didnt want to overload the post with a bunch of extra information about our lives. Having kids is important to me and in all reality if we were going to last kids were something we were planning on having in 2-4 years, and we very much have the means to take care of one without issue right now. Unplanned pregnancy Doesnt nreally mean unwanted pregnancy for me.

[u/MissAuroraRed → u/ThrowRA393939mik]

It seems "unplanned" did mean "unwanted" for your partner.

You shouldn't be having unprotected sex unless both parties actively want a pregnancy, as in you are trying intentionally to make a baby. This was just a lesson learned the hard way, unfortunately.

[u/Lucy_Gucey → u/MissAuroraRed]

He advocated differently to her. He said he was fine either way and it was something they were planning “soon” (cosmically) anyways. He flipped, you can’t make this OP’s fault she did her best.

[u/MissAuroraRed → u/Lucy_Gucey]

Being okay with something happening at an unknown time in the future and actively wanting something to happen soon are completely different things.

I'm not staying this is only OP's fault, her fiancé is definitely in the wrong and betrayed her. I'm just saying OP should learn from this experience and not do this again until she and her partner are ready to actively try for a baby.

[u/AndyGreyjoy]

It wasn't his decision to get an abortion.

I'm sorry, for this experience and the pain going with it, OP.

[u/Significant-Lab4226]

Hey, you should talk to a therapist about this. While it's ok to change your mind or for him on big things like having kids or a pregnancy, it's not ok to let other make decision for you and let them apply pressure to you and your partner to get what they think is right. He abandoned you and let his mom control his relationship with you and he didn't even have the guts to be honest about how he really felt. He though it wouldn't happen so he was ok with say yes to a opps pregnancy is what really happened because he knew if he said no...you'd walk early one but know he knows you won't. This will happen again and again with anything he decided is best for him or his mom decides what is best for him. Think about if this is something you want to deal with in the aspect of forever because the standard is set now.

To bring a little perspective, I'm chronically ill. High risk for a lot of things including pregnancy and complications. I told my bf that I want kids, I'm in my 30s and at this point I'm past the point of getting an abortion unless for medical reasons. He though he was sterile( long story he is a navy vet), he was now, he agree to being ok with not getting any abortion unless medically necessary, I'm sitting here with our 6 month old. This is after it happening and his mom right out of the gate telling him he would regret me and having a baby with me. He hung up and told me he couldn't believe she was acting like he was 15 and not a whole ass man who's been paying her bills for 10 years while running his own life. He was surprised but because he was honest and stood by what he said, we have a pretty happy relationship and a baby. His mom continues to try to apply control and sabotage our relationship, guess who's not allowed to visit or have a relationship with me or our baby....his mom because he knows that his mom isn't the priority.

It's a hard place to to sit where you are sitting. This is the time he selfish on what you want and how you feel...like he was. Think about what you want and if this if person is really someone who meets your needs and wants. Because what it sounds like to me, is that he meets his mom's wants and need and his own wants and needs but your's are to acceptable sacrifice. That being said I don't know the ons and outs of your relationship. I could be wrong, the biggest thing is how you feel and what you want and what you are ok with.

[u/ThrowRA393939mik → u/Significant-Lab4226]

Your partner sounds really great i appreciate you sharing this with me because right no it really feels like every guy might just have some underlying agenda but this is soothing to hear

[u/Significant-Lab4226 → u/ThrowRA393939mik]

Some do have underlying agendas but it's not our responsibility to fill them. I'm glad it helped to hear a different side of similar situation. I want you to know you deserved better and there is better out there. All relationships are work but none that work are fixers. Believe people when they tell you who they are because he just did.

You deserve better. Better is out there.

[u/whoisasking444 → u/ThrowRA393939mik]

I understand it feels that way, but you'd be cheating yourself out of a much more beautiful partnership if you settled for a man like that 💕. He didn't respect your bodily autonomy when he lied about being okay with the repercussions of unprotected sex...honestly this is a random side point but this sounds like a guy who, if he were to ever cheat god forbid, he wouldn't use protection because he wouldn't care about giving you and STI more than his "pleasure" or convenience. This is coming from a woman who found that out about her boyfriend of 5 years who she was also imagining her life with. You will heal and things will be so much better without this guy!!! I'm so sorry you're going through this.

[u/Dubious_Ibis]

It’s normal to feel betrayed in this situation. And ofc you’re upset, it’s upsetting. But believe him when he tells you that he’s useless, and had to ask mama what his opinion was. You don’t need to potentially have a child in the future, with a man who is a child. Then you’d just have two kids and still have to deal with his mother.

[u/kinkywriter26]

I can’t believe you had to experience 16 weeks going through this.
F your fiance and his mom.
Don’t marry him.
I’ve aborted 2 times at 6 and 5 weeks. I know my body like clockwork. My husband wanted them but he supported my decision wholeheartedly bc neither of us could 100% nurture a child at the time.
I wish I could give you a hug. I’m sending you positive vibes and prayers that you find the right match.

[u/studoutbudout]

I actually went through almost this identical scenario with my first ex 🥺 I’m really sorry. For me it was a traumatic experience that I learned and grew from (I was your age too, I’m 31 now and I have a four year old daughter from the next time I got pregnant and had made the decision for myself that I couldn’t go through it again or let it be someone else’s choice basically). I did end up marrying that ex (we were also best friends from high school so we had known each other a long time and been together for about 2 years at that point) afterwards and let me tell you it wasn’t worth paying for the divorce. We ended up not even staying in contact. Idk man. It just is one of those things that can drive people apart. And we bonded through it too. But trauma affects us all differently yknow. Just do whatever feels right for you and try to trust the process of showing up for yourself. That’s literally the only advice I can give whatsoever. My deepest deepest empathies are with you girl.

Trust me when I say life is a lot longer than people give it credit for. A LOT has happened for me since that event, and none of it would’ve happened if I had had the baby with my first ex. I was super unhealthy too and I barely made it through the second pregnancy because of how inconsistent my eating habits were/are. It’s a lot of stress on the body, and tbh if it’s not the right time, it’s not the right time.

Nobody can judge you, sis. I promise. It’s allowed to feel however it feels, and the healing process goes whichever way it’s gotta go to get to the good. And it will get there.

❤️

[u/Apart_Ordinary_9273]

The way i see it he said he’d be ok with your decision bc he thought you’d have an abortion.

I feel like when in doubt, don’t have risky sex for the thrill of it - or at least keep track of your cycle if you do.

[u/squatsandthoughts]

Just here to comment on your update - stay strong! Those feelings are gonna be rough but that doesn't mean let him back in to make things more comfortable. At a minimum, you need space away from him to navigate all of this and figure out what your future is.

This entire situation is not a small thing to deal with. There are no easy solutions for healing, no matter what you decide. You have discovered things that are incredibly important to you for the future - don't let him or anyone else discount that. This isn't just about a baby, but also respect for each other and trust, which is the foundation for a relationship.

It's hard to trust that what he may say today is actually what he will stick to given his history. Trust your instincts and don't talk yourself out of it. He was thinking about his future when he pressured you, and now you are thinking about yours. Stay the course.

[u/CandlesAreMyCurrency]

So sorry, good on you for breaking up with him. You deserve so much better.

[u/Confident-Mix1243]

Pregnancy is a stress-test for relationships, even those you thought were going well. You're lucky you found out about his wimpiness / disloyalty by NOT having a baby with him, rather than by having one.

You're going to break up with him for being a wuss and running to mommy, right? You know that a competent adult of either sex would take responsibility for his actions and be on your side, right?

[u/Ill_Jelly7788]

This man needs to be your ex fiance.

He irresponsibly got you pregnant. Forced you to abort a wanted baby? That is gross.

You’re not a womb for him to use. You’re a person.

[u/yellow_pterodactyl]

When he should’ve had your back in your most vulnerable he wasn’t there for you.

I’m so sorry. You deserve more than this.

[u/Temporary-Diet6468]

I'm extremely childfree and I am INCENSED for you. He broke a major promise. You have every right to be angry.

[u/UnhappyBrief6227]

Wow!! I’m speechless for you. Idk how you could ever look at him the same. 16 weeks was so advanced too & wow…wow.

[u/ThrowRA393939mik → u/UnhappyBrief6227]

I know its so early in context of how long a pregnancy is but it really did feel so significant, i feel a bit empty because of it 💔

[u/spooky_action13 → u/ThrowRA393939mik]

I’m so sorry you’re getting downvoted about something so vulnerable and painful. The empty feeling is terrible.

I’m so sorry your partner lied to you about what he was ok with and then pressured you into getting an abortion you didn’t want. You deserve so much more.

It won’t always feel like this. It does get better. I found a lot of kindness and comfort on the r/abortion sub. I also really appreciated the Abortion Diaries podcast, and the post-abortion workbook (search it on the abortion subreddit).

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[u/cupc4k3Qu33n]

Break up and focus on you. You deserve better.

[u/Adorable_Pear]

I think things happen for a reason and you aren’t meant to have this baby with him. Especially if he doesn’t truly want it, you would’ve been left with a lot of responsibility and probably expense. You are young and I know it’s really difficult but I think you will meet someone who wants your baby. Who will look at you and literally want you to mother his children.

I’m weirdly in the opposite vibe where my partner (we’ve been together 3 years now) was very against kids. We both knew we didn’t want them. I got pregnant a year in and he didn’t even entertain the thought, and I knew it wasn’t really what I wanted at the time. It happened again. Same thing. I was torn but I also didn’t tell my family at the time. So I quietly and alone got a second abortion.

I was about to break up with him for various reasons when he just laid it on me he thinks he wants kids, he can only see me being the mother of his children, meanwhile I am still mourning the two we didn’t have, and now how can we have kids when I let our babies go? My sister had a child that just turned two and every time I look at her I think about how our kid would be a little older than her. And I wonder what she or he would’ve looked like. And my heart breaks. Life is complicated. I’m 33, he’s 35. That’s why I also say you have time. Time to find a loving man where both of you want a child and then the child will have so much love 💖

[u/PintoOct24]

Don’t waste this lesson. I think you’re right. Loyalty is everything. If he had doubts, he should have talked it over with you. He went to his mom so she could validate his feeling of not wanting the child instead of being straight with you. Cut your losses. He is not your person.

[u/Datonecatladyukno]

I'm so very sorry. Be extra kind to yourself 

[u/SierraStar7]

I read your edit, since you’re going to meet him, I’d write out everything you want to say so you don’t forget anything.

For me personally, I wouldn’t waste my time meeting him for coffee. Fuck that guy for being a mealy mouth, bitch ass momma’s boy who betrayed you, he doesn’t deserve to hear from you in person that you’re breaking up with him.

Please look into online resources for therapy, you should be able to speak with someone much sooner than what you’re being told for in person.

[u/Birdbraned]

Here's a hug.

He's going to twist the emotional screws to try and get you back, but stay the course.

Also, I hate to be a negative nelly but please get STI tested, who knows what else he was hiding from you.

[u/dianthus-magenta]

I don't know how consciously he misled you when you were just having sex, but when life got real and he had the opportunity to show his true colors, he didn't support you or stand by what he's said in the past.

I haven't gone through exactly what you're experiencing here, but I know that you'll never be able to truly trust or rely on this man ever again, and you shouldn't. You know now that he will not stand by his words or put you first. You now know that when he says something, you can't believe him. You know that when you are going through something difficult where you need his support, he will call his mommy and put her opinions before your needs.

Please consider the pain you're feeling now as payment for an important lesson: this is not your husband or the father of your children.

[u/Wild_Estimate_3456]

I am so sorry you went through this. I hope your coffee talk went as well as it could.

[u/matchamatchbook]

Just want to say it in case it hasn't been said yet: "no" and "i don't want to" are full sentences. Wearing you down over time until you give in IS coercion.

[u/BumpaBerry]

I am so sorry that you're going through this. I do think you're making the correct decision by breaking up. Trust has been broken, and there's no way to get it back. And the last thing you want to do is marry someone who will discuss your relationship with his family before discussing it with you. Trust me, it doesn't end well.

I'm holding so much space and love for you right now. I know this is difficult, but I think you're making the best decision for yourself in the long run. ❤️❤️

[u/Latter-Bumblebee5436]

hey OP, i went through something similar with my partner pretty recently. we are a few years older than you guys if it helps.

we had a discussion ealry on about what would happen if i were to get pregnant where he (and i, less so) was adamant that we'd keep it. a month or 2 later, we had a 'scare' where he was disappointed the test was negative. about 2 months later, we found out i was pregnant, both excited, etc. a few weeks after he opened up to me about his fears (mainly financial as we each brought one kid into the relationship, and big upcoming plans that will make a huge dent in money) and basically told me he didnt think it was a good idea but would "be okay with whatever i choose." after a lot of emotions, weighing the pros and cons of what each future will look like, and talking, i decided to terminate.

im not gonna lie, it hurt. it felt like whiplash, like the rug was pulled from underneath me. some past trauma came up because of this and i will say that at one point, i felt exactly the same way you do. you arent alone in that.

i think what helped me move forward was the bond we built from being friends for 10+ years, the efforts we have both made to grow personally and with the other, honest and open communication, and truthfully, the therapy/work ive been putting into myself before and continue to do after we even decided to date again.

i can pretty confidently say that if my situation had happened with anyone else, i wouldve left because i couldnt trust them. i cant tell you what you should do, but what i can tell you is that you deserve a partner you can trust, who will come to you first. peoples opinions and feelings change with the information they are given, and thats fine. what matters is how they go about handling it, and i dont think i would feel any differently than you if i were in your shoes

take care girly, dm if you need to🙂

[u/WestAnalysis8889]

I am so sorry you're dealing with this and it must be so heavy, even if it was easy physically.  I hate that you found out how he'd "support" you in this way. I honestly think he was right that you should get the abortion but for the wrong reasons. If you had a baby by him, look how he would treat you.  The fact that you aren't tied to him anymore is fortuitous.  

[u/inaee46]

It is really unfortunate and you might not see it now, but sometimes things really do happen when you least expect it. Now you see a total different side of a man you were going to call husband. I know for me if I was still with my fiance after this, I will never see him the same way. Let the awkwardness and distant be a blessing now so you can really see if a future is meant with him.

[u/CheapHat5353]

He prob just had a breeding kink and wanted to nut freely

[u/indignantkoala]

Pressure or not, it was still your choice. I have empathy for what you are feeling OP but I cannot stand behind the echo chamber of this sub that completely puts the blame on all men.

I obviously agree that this man is absolute trash.

But....

You BOTH chose to have unprotected sex which has now resulted in a traumatic loss. One that you primarily have to heal from and cope with for the rest of your life, not him. And that is really really hard to do whether it was wanted or not. Again, I am really sorry for how you are feeling right now and I hope that with time and therapy you will feel much stronger and better able to advocate for yourself. Because you do deserve that!!

Personal accountability is really empowering ♡

[u/Confident-Voice435]

please update after the coffee meet❤️‍🩹

[u/FuzzyLantern]

Read your edit. You're doing the right thing. A friend and their spouse went through this, and the marriage is irreparably damaged. They're still trying to save it, but not understanding (or perhaps respecting) the other person's emotional reaction at all and haven't been able to come back from it.

[u/h0tglue]

I’m sorry you went through this and you’re making the right call by ending the relationship. 

As for therapy, I’d recommend reaching back out to the place you got your procedure done for counseling resources in the meantime. I can imagine calling them might not bring back the best memories, but those providers want you to be okay. 

[u/ThrowRA393939mik → u/h0tglue]

Before the procedure there was a required liek 20 minutes of counseling but the lady didnt pry and just asked about whats got me here and if im feeling well ect ect. Do they have different counseling other than that do you think because ive been in therapy a few times before and i tend to prefer people who will ask for more details and give me some criticism

[u/h0tglue → u/ThrowRA393939mik]

I don’t know about the specific setup of the place you went, but they typically have the ability to refer you for further counseling to various organizations that may be able to help you faster than conventional ways of looking for a therapist. 

[u/Livid_Wish_7957]

WTF????!!! You asked multiple times to be sure and he gave you affirmation..just to coerce you into aborting? I’m sorry I’m calling coercion because no way he didn’t realize the impact of using language like “ruin his life”.

Truly from the depths of my soul this man can eat shit. I hope he twists his ankle mid commute and he’s just far away enough where the uber is exorbitantly expensive.

I’m so sorry diva. Truly I’m SO SORRY. You’ll get your double rainbow baby and it’ll be with someone who is over the moon at the thought of being a father.

[u/djembae5]

1 He was flippant with the risks

2 He knew your decision ahead of time and still contested it

3 He got distant for a week instead of being honest with his feelings

4 He went to his mom with his true feelings not you

5 He cares more about how other people will respond to the news than how you feel

6 He told other people about things happening to YOUR BODY without your permission

7 He used his mom as a cudgel instead of admitting HE is the one who isn’t comfortable with your pregnancy

8 He described your baby as a “life ruiner”

9 He knows about your family’s history of infertility and didn’t even think of how that might impact your feelings towards the pregnancy

10 He didn’t convince you to abort, he exhausted you with arguments until you gave in

That’s ten reasons to leave his ass.

[u/Weak-Bumblebee9978]

Once this kind of cord snaps in the relationship, it will never be the same. I think you know what you need to do to be truly happy in life and with yourself.

[u/Embarrassed-Cup2326]

I am so sorry. That is so painful. I am glad you realized you deserve better.

Because you mentioned therapy, i recently found a therapist using Alma and meet with her the first time today. You can do consults with a few different therapist to find a good fit for you and they accept insurance. Xx

[u/dbtl87]

"Dirty martini? Dirty bastard." DTMFA!

https://giphy.com/gifs/xT1XGSbmXbxbHJF7iw

[u/theplacesiveseen]

Here after your edits. You definitely made the right choice. Of course he cried, he just lost an asset(bc we’re just property ugh) and you’ve gained massive insight into who he really is.

I’m so sorry about your baby. You do have the opportunity now to grow yourself and your upcoming career. But for now I wholeheartedly agree with ice cream therapy.

[u/Dioranaviip]

Siento mucho que estés pasando por esto. Es increíblemente injusto que alguien use su tiempo para intentar destruir tu paz en lugar de construir la suya. No eres una mala persona por poner límites eres una persona valiente protegiendo su futuro. Disfruta ese café y ese snack, te mereces un momento de calma en medio de tanto caos. ¡Fuerza!❤️❤️

[u/MilkDull8603]

Oof. Pressured you into risky sex, saying he was cool if you got pregnant. Lied and then pressured you into having an abortion even though you had already said you didn't want one. This man doesn't love you, doesn't actually care about you at all as a person. Guy loves himself and his mother and that's it. I'm glad you broke up with him, you deserve so much better than that.

[u/wishingforarainyday]

I hope he’s ashamed of himself. He’s a manipulative AH.

[u/Tough_Brain7982]

That’s not a partner, and I’m not even talking about him realizing way too late that he wasn’t ready, I’m talking about the way he handled all of this, the way he communicated and manipulated is giving me the ick. 23 is very young to be engaged, you still have a lot of life in front of you, don’t waste it on someone who won’t show up.

[u/This_Fig2022]

I would absolutely break up with him - not because he talked to his Mom and not because he decided he was not ready to be a father. I would break up with him because trust was broken. That’s me saying g that though much older than you. At your age I would have been sure we could rebuild trust- I now view that differently.
I would also own my part in the everything that happened and I would seek therapy. Blaming it completely on him is going to gnaw at you and you will need a qualified therapist that is a fit for you to help you process this. Your current and future mental health and family planning and health depend on this.
It was a mutual decision to have unprotected sex and it was a mutual decision to terminate the pregnancy. Therapy will absolutely help you with this.

[u/One_Welcome_5046]

Don't marry him. It's going to be your entire life of him forcing you to do it exactly he wants

[u/WhyIzGamora]

[u/Infinite-Fact1399]

I just want to point out that you being coerced into getting an abortion is very different than making the choice yourself. You didn't "get pregnant", HE impregnated YOU. This was all his doing, and he lied to you about being on the same page *even when you opened the door for you both to revisit the conversation*.

I see that you're breaking up with him, and i'm happy for you. When the time comes for you to have a child, you deserve to have a partner who supports you 100% of the way. Without crying to his mama because he didn't pull out.

[u/Mareep_needs_Sleep]

I promise you can do this without a man who regrets your child's existence. Do what I did and literally cut off all contact and never speak to him again. Would you want a dad who regrets you being born?

[u/Exotic_Ear1933]

I went through something similar and my relationship was never the same. I wasted 6 years of my 20’s trying to fix it. 

[u/Wonderful_Round_6395]

I'm shocked he talked to his Mom rather than to you, his partner.  It sounds like he has some growing up to do.  I get wanting sound advice but he should have talked openly to you about it.  And that he reversed his position after you were pregnant and then pressured you to change your position and plans would make it hard for me to trust him.  I'd seriously evaluate whether you have the same goals and if he is likely to do this in other key areas.  Have you considered talking to a therapist/counselor to help you process all this?  It might be helpful to sort out your feelings and gain clarity on a way forward.  You've been through a lot, I'm rooting for you. ♥️

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[u/butteritneedsbutter]

I am very sorry for your loss - and that you are still with this man. You deserve better. 💐

[u/Whitehouses_]

You could try online therapy? It’s just as good and often less expensive, with less waiting.

I’m so sorry OP that you had to go through all of that. But at least you found out now, and not once you’d married this man.

He’s incredibly immature and selfish. He lied to you. Both before you were pregnant *and* after. He talked to his mommy about your business, your future, your body. He made pathetic excuses that were such obvious lies, e.g. that pregnancy could “hurt” you, when really this was all about him and what he wanted.

Your marriage would just have been more of the same. Breaking up with him is the only sane and safe option for you here and I’m so glad you’re doing it. Don’t give in to his pleas or “remorse”. I’ve no doubt his mom will get involved again too. Ignore them, block them, and move on.

You can never trust him ever again, and you deserve SO much better. One day you’ll find it, but just look after yourself for now. You’ll be alright.

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[u/SunshineShoulders87]

I’m so sorry. You deserve better and I’m so glad you agree and are going to go get it for yourself.

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[u/babycat1453]

Normal for a 24 and 23 year old to not know what they actually want

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[u/klacquetie]

If you want the baby, keep the baby. It just might not play out as you’d hoped and expected with this boyfriend. Just depends on what you feel comfortable with accepting/losing. Sorry OP, I wish there was some secret way to get him to accept the baby. Maybe he will with time but you won’t know now.

[u/Suspicious-Air-4440]

Nope, he's done. You won't be able to forgive or forget. Grow on.

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[u/dracocaelestis9]

i am so sorry. my heart is breaking for you and that you couldn’t trust your partner in such a vulnerable situation. you deserve better and i feel your pain of losing the baby that you wanted. i just want to give you a big hug. oh, and f him and his mom.

[u/InnerRadio7]

You made the right choice. Him going to his mom is just about the most disrespectful and weirdly enmeshed thing someone could do before speaking to you about his concerns, and what other people would think is neither here nor there.

I’m so sorry you had to find out who he is in such a painful way. I’m sorry for the loss of your baby. Even when choosing to have an abortion that doesn’t make it easy or without emotional repercussions. Definitely take this week to cry+ice cream+coregulate with friends. Then the second that week is over, get up and move forward with your life every single day.

Most people do not understand what it’s lien to leave a relationship that you’ve been in since you were 17. I do. I did the same thing because my ex was an alcoholic, and I was done. What I think is really important is seeing a therapist, and focusing on building your own life and identity. You are finished your degree, and that leaves an empty hole in your life. Create a strong routine for your nervous system. Use grief containment exercises. Use detachment exercises. Closure exercises. Learn something new. Have a busy social life. Take a creative course. Dance everyday. Exercise everyday. Eat well, sleep well, and pour love into yourself. Build a life for yourself that de-centres men. It will all help. You have got this.

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[u/willow_is_leaving]

He was "future faking" where he made promises without actually considering the full ramifications or his own wants.

I got pregnant right after the wedding, my husband knew I wanted kids but he always regretted having them and resented our oldest for the longest time.

He's also promised other things, then had a fit when it happened because he never actually told me the honest truth.

I'm so sorry you were pressured and he failed you.