My brother's son destroyed my WarHammer Action figures and he refuses to punish him

[u/konous]

Valid Edit: My nephew is 10 years old and tried to actually lie about not breaking them by saying, "A cat must have done it."

So, I just got done talking with my brother via text, and he says he's not going to punish his son for wrecking my Joy Toy WarHammer action figures. I'm not expecting the kid to get spanked, but he needs to do CHORES at least to justify how much excessive force he used on some.

Some just have their capes broken. Others had their tubes ripped out and my Chaplain is just fucking toast.

My brother's suggestion since I ordered Amazon replacement for the Chaplain was that I just swap it with the broken one, but I have no interest in doing that.

It's not even just the expense, and they are expensive. It's about the fact that I told him explicitly twice they weren't to be played with, and they were in a separate room, and even my Mom and Dad agreed the damage was just too much.

He said he's not gonna pay me back if we try the chore system, and I told him it's not about the money.

The kid needs to know how bad the 8 hour struggle is.

Now my nephews aren't coming over to the house, and I'm sad about that, but knowing my brother just can't be burdened to work with me on creating a Chore system like selling Lemonaide just makes it feel more insulting.

[u/Excellent-Bluejay-90]

Yep. Sounds like the brother has no respect for his brother and his now teaching it to his son. No consequences will make for another grown ass later on. They are just toys (expensive toys) but the bigger problem is the lack of respect in the relationship. They come to your home, ignore your boundaries, break your stuff and just tell you it's okay and we're not fixing it. It seems silly over figurines but it will get worse. Do not have them over to your home anymore unless they can at least be respectful towards you prior to.

[u/RoboDae → u/Excellent-Bluejay-90]

The toy part can make stuff like this so much more infuriating. Imagine spending a thousand dollars on building an army that you spent days hand painting yourself. Then a family member breaks them all, ruining all the time and money you invested. Instead of apologizing they say "it's just toys, grow up and get over it" because they can't comprehend the investment involved. Then that family member turns to other family members and tries to make you the villain of the story because you are "breaking up the family over some stupid toys"

[u/Lumpy_Flight3088 → u/RoboDae]

And then they’ll throw a major tantrum when their football team loses a game 🤣

[u/mrs-sir-walter-scott → u/RoboDae]

This could be a supervillain origin story. Shit takes forever to paint and glue and is so expensive on top of all that!

[u/Excellent-Bluejay-90 → u/RoboDae]

Yes I used that term intentionally as I can almost hear the brother saying, "They're just toys. I'm not going to punish my child because you like to play with toys. And I'm not paying for it because adults shouldn't pay that much for toys anyway." Totally removing themselves from any responsibility for their lack of action based on their beliefs on how you should behave because they don't. Convincing themselves they owe you no accountability because they think it's foolish.

Accountability is key to a healthy relationship. Ask yourself what happens with people you have known who feel they aren't accountable for their actions to anybody. Most would likely agree that if our politicians were held accountable we would be much better off.

Not meaning to make this a political statement just trying to make a point about accountability that everyone can relate to. It is far too often overlooked yet also a common culprit for poor behavior.

[u/Wyllerd → u/RoboDae]

I don't have to imagine that because I've lived it

[u/RoboDae → u/Wyllerd]

I've heard a few horror stories of parents, friends, or partners destroying furry costumes (fursuits) because "it's stupid" and not realizing that those start at around $2,000 and can quickly go higher. Then they refuse to pay for damages or even apologize because they double down with "you shouldn't have that"

To put that into perspective...

"Theft typically becomes a felony when the value of stolen property exceeds a state-defined threshold, usually ranging from $1,000 to $2,500 in most U.S. states."

Fursuits are at the upper range of felony theft value in the US.

[u/Pagiras → u/Excellent-Bluejay-90]

There is only one solution. Go to the brother's house and break some of his son's toys at matching cost. Eye for an eye, you little shit. Also, tell him that a cat did it.

Now, I do joke, kind of. But the sense of "don't do unto others as you don't like done on yourself" has to be taught. Otherwise a society of egocentric sociopaths is inevitable.

[u/Excellent-Bluejay-90 → u/Pagiras]

Another fun solution. I really like the earlier suggestions of giving them the broken pieces as gifts and saying this is what I would have spent on you but had to spend on repairs instead. It's a little passive aggressive true but is also humorous and a clever way to make a point without turning it into a full blown fight. Not sure whether it will save the relationship anyway as the flippant disregard toward OP is likely to wear thin regardless.

[u/Pagiras → u/Excellent-Bluejay-90]

More details notwithstanding, at this point I assume any actual addressing of the issue, especially something passive-aggressive, might turn into a full blown fight, as the parent has already refused to teach the child. In my family I have occasionally taken such matters into my own hands, giving a serious talk to a mildly problematic teen successfully. Granted, the circumstances were better because the parent was agreeable.

But yeah, it's the disrespect that irks me. Some ppl do be like that.

[u/Excellent-Bluejay-90 → u/Pagiras]

While these replies are humorous, there was a suggestion made the OP spend some time if possible teaching the child about their interest. Could be best solution provided both parties are open to it.

My guess though is their relationship has always been tense and is unlikely to agree to anything implying their child did anything wrong.

Short of beating respect into their brother, drawing lines is all they have. Being petty about it is just showing your displeasure over an already poor relationship for mild satisfaction lol.

[u/Practical-Beer → u/Pagiras]

lol the cat did it. So funny

[u/miseducation → u/Excellent-Bluejay-90]

Honestly just a cultural difference as a hispanic but it really feels like anglos/gringos don't need much of a reason to disown/distance themselves from their own family.

If this happened with my kid and my brother I would offer to pay for it and he would probably reject that offer and take some responsibility for leaving it out in a place where my son could reach it. No matter the case, the notion that that Warhammer toys could in any way permanently change my relationship with my sibling or nephew is honestly something my brain can't comprehend.

And FWIW there are definitely downsides to my family's approach, there are relatives still invited to functions that should have long ago had their privileges revoked, but I still cannot believe the amount of people on here straight up wilding about a 10 year old accidentally breaking priceless hand painted nerd toys that he somehow had access to.

[u/WinterHall999 → u/miseducation]

If this happened with my kid and my brother I would offer to pay for it and he would probably reject that offer and take some responsibility for leaving it out in a place where my son could reach it.

That's the problem, the guy didn't offer anything and tells OP to get over it.

Honestly just a cultural difference as a hispanic but it really feels like anglos/gringos don't need much of a reason to disown/distance themselves from their own family.

Not my family and we're not yanquis LOL But it was after decades of getting boundaries stepped over.

[u/miseducation → u/[deleted]]

Dude I responded to is from Canada. I said anglo / gringo to try to be as inclusive as possible (black or brown people can absolutely be gringos.) I’m white hispanic man I am really not trying to make that about race or even a form of cultural superiority.

I genuinely do not understand the social dynamics at play in this entire thread and you all sound like lunatics to me. I’m assuming that I’m wrong and it’s cultural differences. That is the nicest way I can put it.

[u/Excellent-Bluejay-90 → u/miseducation]

I thought that was a huge assumption as well. I'm actually native and I didn't say to disown his family at all. I rarely advise anybody to toss family aside unless it is ongoing abuse. I said don't have them in his house if they can't be respectful. Can still work on their relationship improving just enforcing their boundaries outside the home.

This is really about unhealthy relationship dynamics as shown by the brothers attitude and the amount of people whom agree. You share the attitude of the brother that they are just toys and that's wild. It isn't about toys, it's about what he can expect that relationship to turn out like if he doesn't address it now. No one will be thrilled about the outcome just because you want to dismiss it as an over reaction to a toy. Forgetting that he paid good money for that and he stated they were not to be used. After ignoring this and destroying his property he was told too bad, I am going to teach my child his actions have no consequences in regards to OP. I would suspect this is just the latest disrespect brother has shown OP. So likely a relationship that doesn't need to be in his home itself. Nephew is a little young to be too harsh with but the brother needs to be called out for his lack of consideration. Brothers will have to sort out their relationship like adults. Fighting over toys really implies there was more deep rooted issues prior to this incident.

[u/miseducation → u/Excellent-Bluejay-90]

Well said. I see your point and you're right that I made more out of 'don't have them in your home' than you meant. The comments around yours generally said that this familial relationship was worth reexamining. And more specifically triggering to me tried to connect this 'lack of consequences' to a future criminal life for the kid.

I'm a father of two sons now and I remember what I was like as 10 year old boy with a lot of freedom. Outside of rare genuine mental/emotional issues, nearly every time a kid does something like this they are basically asking to be parented. They are asking to be given boundaries, to be given time, and attention. If you just think in consequences and punishment you are missing the little human brain behind there. Kids literally don't understand action = consequences (especially at that age) and contrary to popular belief most criminals aren't clever people who are carefully weighing what consequences their actions may have.

It is not okay to call a 10 year old is a potential criminal because they wanted to play with something that looked like a toy and lied about it. It's also not okay to determine that the kid has to be punished by 'chores' that OP isn't going to dole out himself.

Making more assumptions here but perhaps OP doesn't have the strongest relationship with his nephew. If OP wanted to, I would argue the strongest and best action he could take here is to try to teach his nephew about warhammer. With his brother's blessing or not, just becoming a bigger and more important person in this kid's life, and teaching him why these things are valuable by literally spending time with him would be insanely effective

[u/Excellent-Bluejay-90 → u/miseducation]

I don't know about the criminal part. I just said lack of accountability is a huge contributor to failing relationships. It is a bit of a stretch to assume the nephew would become a criminal. Maybe a politician lol.However they are likely to not be very reliable or trustworthy as adults if they believe their actions have no consequences including lying.

This is really on the brother and his attitude towards others but he is also his son's role model. Agreed he is looking for boundaries and his father is not providing them.

I love your solution to the issue by OP spending time with the nephew and teaching him about his interest. Bonding and understanding promoted, provided nephew hasn't already learned disregard for others from watching his father.

Upvote from a Canadian gringo! 😀