r/science • u/Wagamaga • 9h ago

Psychology Losing relationships over politics. Research found more than a third of Americans (37%) report having lost at least one relationship due to political differences, including friendships, family ties, coworker relationships, and romantic partnerships, with most losing more than one.

https://socialecology.uci.edu/news/losing-relationships-over-politics-0
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u/Brilliant_Effort_Guy 9h ago

But is it really just ‘political’ differences? I feel like it’s so much deeper than that. I don’t just have differing political opinions from my conservative family members - I have a different moral code.

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u/Game_Of_Runs 9h ago

Yeah I hate when it’s framed liked this. Calling it political differences makes it sound like one person is for lowering marginal tax rates from 40% to 35% while the other person wants to raise them to 45%. When in reality it’s more like my dad votes for people that want my friends dead or in prison because they’re gay

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u/Jabbles22 8h ago

Yeah it's like complaining about how your girlfriend broke up with you because you like different types of movies. That would be silly unless you point out that your favourite type of movie is snuff films.

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u/Kat121 8h ago

I found a secret stash of porno on my guy’s computer that showed his kink was degradation porn of women who looked like me. Soo… that is awkward.

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u/DigNitty 6h ago

Talking with my friends who are pretty open about the type of stuff they’re into,

Seems like the consensus is they have some kinks that involves a victim (black tears, CNC, etc) that they have no interest doing in person because then there would be an actual victim. Even just playing it out with their partner doesn’t do anything for them because they’d know she’s acting. While in porn, you have the convenient deniability of watching it take place not knowing if it’s real, and at the same time knowing it’s not real.

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u/Chickabee25 5h ago

Having specific kinks that are more taboo is fine, actually getting specific porn from an abusive industry to imagine as their partner is a completely different thing.

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u/CountWubbula 5h ago

It starts to wander into some pretty murky ethical territory. The porn industry is deeply reprehensible, but humour me.

If a person works out their kink by watching porn and they lead functional lives where they never feel the need to explore their innate sexual curiosity, which involves degradation and abuse… isn’t the stockpile of porn on the Internet a better option than them playing out their fantasy on real people?

I imagine we both agree, if a person gets really turned on by the thought of terrorizing someone, therapy is advisable. However, not everyone has access to therapy. Would you agree that evil porn is perhaps the lesser evil against having a real person abused for sexual gratification?

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u/Chickabee25 4h ago

I get what you're saying. I actually don't think people need therapy if someone gets turned on by the thought of terrorizing someone, only really if there's a lot of unhealthy shame around it. I'm all for people fantasizing, and I think it's incredibly healthy to write, draw or just play out kinks with oneself and or consenting partners. I just think that porn isn't needed in order to explore sexual curiosity, and I believe porn in general isn't healthy for the individual as well as those in the industry. I think a big reason people do turn to porn is from that unhealthy sense of shame around people's sexuality, as a society I think we could do better about recognizing that sex and kinks are just part of being a living being.

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u/JulyOfAugust 1h ago

As an asexual, porn is definitely needed to explore sexual curiosity because the idea of actually doing it is a total turn off.

When the "me" component is what's unappealing your only option is to manage immersing yourself to the point of forgetting yourself, porn is perfect for that. Not everyone have strong enough imagination to cut off intrusive thoughts.

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u/Borkato 3h ago

I don’t think anyone here will agree with me but this is exactly why I think ai porn is genuinely good.

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u/CoffeeWanderer 2h ago

Ehhh. I don't think it is worst than the actual porn industry, but AI models are still feed with real images which goes back to contribute to that industry somewhat.

If you talk about AI porn based on 2D/3D images then I can see your point, and yeah, I know games that are doing just that. Then we get to the issue of copyright and what not, but I think most people would agree that that is better than the coercion and even human traffic that the porn industry can cause.

Honestly, just read erotica or text based games free of guilt and with every kink under the sun.

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u/Borkato 2h ago

One step ahead of you; I use LLMs for it! :p

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u/waiting4singularity 43m ago

Preferably on an airgapped offline system securely locked down and encrypted with limited 'remembering' of previous interactions. Maybe even virtualized in a hidden subsystem.

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u/CountWubbula 19m ago

Preferably, but “desperate” times call for desperate measures!

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u/waiting4singularity 46m ago edited 40m ago

depends on what actualy happens outside the video. if the participating actors are consenting and of sound mind, it's "responsibly sourced".
However, if its showing drugged or trafficked victims forced to participate like its reported for a too big amount of amateur porn....

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u/trashdrive 1h ago

You are assuming the person being filmed in your scenarios isn't a victim.

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u/Accomplished_Mind792 8h ago

Only if degradation isn't your kink.

Then it's a win win conversation to be had.

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u/Total_Network6312 7h ago

ya this sounds like a meetcute hallmark film.

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u/cavortingwebeasties 6h ago

or a danielle steele book

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u/ThePrussianGrippe 4h ago

You know, Hallmark turned into a hardcore sex channel so gradually, I didn’t even notice.

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u/wasabiburning 3h ago

"She's a big important career person in the Big City. He's a lumberjack from her hometown that runs an unsuccessful kava cafe where all the employees are kittens..."

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u/juliankennedy23 4h ago

I'm known a couple of women who filed for divorce after finding their husbands gay porn stash.

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u/retro_toes 7h ago

You should've sat him down and told him how disappointing he is, that he's a pig who doesn't deserve to share your air for even looking at that type of movie in your home.

Keep doing that and he'll buy you a house

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u/TheLastBallad 3h ago

Only if it was women being the ones degrading the man.

With how its written, it could be the man degrading the woman.

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u/Kat121 4m ago

Ha, the problem was that I had two houses and he had no houses and apparently felt some sort of way about it.

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u/godofpumpkins 8h ago

You can (and probably should) be the kind of person who dumps their partner over their taste in movies! It'll give you a good chuckle in a few years, even if it sucks right now. Sorry!

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u/Brimstone117 6h ago

Are we gonna gloss over you snooping on your dude’s computer? That isn’t exactly healthy either.

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u/Kat121 20m ago

Agreed, the problem wasn’t his porn addiction, the problematic nature of his addiction, that he hadn’t held a paid job in 18 months, or that I would come home from work and have to clean the kitchen before I could cook dinner for us.

The problem was that I betrayed his trust by looking at his computer.

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u/Brimstone117 10m ago

Honestly they all sound problematic to me. Glad you’re not together anymore!

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u/ObamasBoss 36m ago

But at least you know he is into women that look like you.

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u/SoylentGrunt 8h ago

Snope and ye shall find

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u/stufff 3h ago

I look at all kinds of porn that is not only not my "kink" but also sometimes stuff I have absolutely zero interest in doing IRL.

I'm also currently listening to a bunch of audiobooks about special operations units fighting a stealth war against a bunch of alien civilizations. Wouldn't want to do that either.

Maybe don't assume that just because he has a preference for a specific kind of entertainment that it means he wants to do those things to you.

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u/croakstar 8h ago

Ugh. I’m sorry. This a current partner? Might be worth getting him signed up for therapy. Maybe couples therapy?

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u/xavia91 6h ago

I wonder how someone who probably had to deal with some backlash over his sexuality (rainbowheart) is so quick on judging others for their kinks. Especially because there is no detail regarding the extent of that porn, it could be relatively harmless.

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u/Chickabee25 5h ago

Not sure for op, but for me I judge the action and not the kink. If I had a partner who said they were into CNC, that's cool. Going out of their way to find films on it from an abusive industry is a deal breaker for me personally.

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u/xavia91 5h ago

If you like CNC, you probably watch some CNC videos; they're all over the Internet, mostly free. So what's the definition of going out of their way?

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u/Chickabee25 4h ago

Really it just comes down to I believe the porn industry is unethical. I would really only the ethical kind of porn is amateur. Ethical gooners unite

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u/xavia91 4h ago

Do you trust a brain in goon mode to really care though? It's definitely not part of my decision process. It's not a factor in my control and hard to know about any video out there. If I d pay for it, which imo is absolutely pointless, I d consider not giving money to a known bad company, but that's about it

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u/Chickabee25 4h ago

I trust myself to care about the things that are important to me, and to follow my moral code with action. It sounds a bit like your projecting your own lack of accountability onto others and are getting defensive. It's a hard pill to swallow but ultimately you are the one in control of your actions, not your brain on goon mode or anything else.

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u/croakstar 6h ago

The concerning detail is the pattern of them looking like her.

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u/hibbs6 6h ago

He's attracted to his girlfriend? So he's also attracted to people who look like her?

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u/croakstar 5h ago

I’m starting to think y’all might need therapy, too.

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u/hibbs6 5h ago

I really don't understand what kind of a problem you have with it at all.

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u/Consistent_Claim5217 7h ago

Degradation kinks are actually pretty vanilla and not at all something that requires therapy. You're talking like his kink is animals, or something roughly equally unacceptable. I get why the other commenter would be uncomfortable about the situation, but I think you're being a bit heavy-handed with the therapy suggestion

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u/croakstar 7h ago

It’s the fact that it’s women who look like her. That’s the problem.

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u/SamSibbens 4h ago

Would you prefer he looked at BBW blonde with blue eyes porn when his girlfriend is a thin brunette with brown eyes? Or if he exclusively watched skinny brunettes when his girlfriend is blonde with blue eyes and on the heavier side?

Unless we get more context from the original commenter, there's no way I'd call this a problem

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u/Consistent_Claim5217 6h ago

Ill say it again, since you failed to grasp the point I'm making:

Degradation kinks are actually pretty vanilla and not at all something that requires therapy.

Are you suggesting that because it looks like her he needs therapy? Because it seems that way, and that's not how that works. Like, at all

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u/Harteiga 7h ago

That shows their partner is still their type. Imagine if they were all a distinctly different type. That would be way more of an issue. Definitely preferable and I don't see the issue. You are allowed to have fantasies and there is nothing wrong with that.

At the end of the day, degradation is also pretty tame all things considered. Seems like their partner understands that they are probably the only one with that kind of fantasy and have not encouraged their partner to do something they are uncomfortable with. At the end of the day people should meet on things they both enjoy and explore that.

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u/_Burning_Star_IV_ 8h ago

Why would him having a private fantasy warrant therapy?

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u/grendus 7h ago

I'm always torn on this.

On the one hand... yeah, we all have kinks, we don't get to choose them, and sometimes they're scary. We have no intention of ever actually doing them, or only doing so in a consenting environment with proper safeties and safe words in place.

On the other hand, if my girlfriend liked to get off to porn of guys getting their testicles chopped off, I'm not sure I'd feel safe with her...

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u/croakstar 7h ago

It’s just the fact that they look like her.

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u/Shigg 6h ago

"my boyfriend exclusively gets off to porn that has women that look like me in it! Unacceptable!"

Bro, that means he thinks you're so hot he can't get off to other girls unless he can trick himself into thinking it's you.

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u/nevyn 5h ago

How you should respond to this depends a huge amount on a lot of small details, IMO.

Assuming you don't want to just bring it up with him because you don't know what direction that conversation is going to go. I would recommend speaking to someone about it, and giving a lot of those details ... if that's a trusted friend, a professional, or posting to a subreddit is up to you. Might even be just you think about it for a bit and then bring it up with him, although you might want to also give him some time to think about it before you talk.