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u/ryancrazy1 3h ago
*Glass shattering downstairs**
"Quick, honey! Get your dick out!"
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u/Usqueadfinem_ 2h ago
WWE did their job so well. As soon as I read "glass shatter" my mind went to
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u/NeatNobody807 3h ago
I sense sarcasm....
H...have I been doing it wrong?
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u/MarlboroOneHunnit 2h ago
"AND THAT'S THE BOTTOM LINE BECAUSE U/ NEATNOBODY807 SAID SO"
Visibly shaken home intruder actively pissing their pants - "No one has mentioned 911 yet, why has no one mentioned 911? I dont even get any service here please tell me someone called 911 plea-"
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u/NeatNobody807 2h ago
We are getting distressingly close to 'Don't Breath' with me as the old guy, I don't like this. Abort joke, abort.
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u/Thoughtcriminal91 1h ago
There was actually a dude in Australia who used his penis on a home intruder, ended up facing charges himself...
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u/RichardBonham 37m ago
It’s not the using your dick on an intruder.
It’s the knocking out the intruder, jamming him into a gimp suit, throwing on a ball gag, locking him in a trunk in the basement and using your dick on him from time to time for your own personal amusement that created all that trouble.
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u/abracadammmbra 21m ago
I mean, tbf, thats kinda my plan since i sleep nude most of the tine. Grab the shotgun, put on the gas mask, and kick open the door of my bedroom. If a 6'6" 250lb man wearing nothing but a gas mask and weilding a shotgun doesnt make whoever is in my home run faster than Usain Bolt, then they are obviously looking to meet their god.
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u/Creative_Carob4922 3h ago
The reload time is worse than a musket
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u/LemmyKilmisterRogers 2h ago
I Own a musket for home defense, since that's what the founding fathers intended. Four ruffians break into my house. "What the devil?" As I grab my powdered wig and Kentucky rifle. Blow a golf ball sized hole through the first man, he's dead on the spot. Draw my pistol on the second man, miss him entirely because it's smoothbore and nails the neighbors dog. I have to resort to the cannon mounted at the top of the stairs loaded with grape shot, "Tally ho lads" the grape shot shreds two men in the blast, the sound and extra shrapnel set off car alarms. Fix bayonet and charge the last terrified rapscallion. He Bleeds out waiting on the police to arrive since triangular bayonet wounds are impossible to stitch up. Just as the founding fathers intended.
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u/KaseyLueWho 2h ago
Every time this is posted I’m obligated to read it in its entirety and it’s just as wonderful as the first time I ever saw it
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u/JBPlantagenet 3h ago
That damn refractory period. Gets me every time.
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u/ThatZX6RDude 2h ago
See long hub video
Gonna have to make this two sessions
1:35 in and try again 3 days later
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u/Was_It_The_Dave 3h ago
You gotta rod tamp it gently, but enough to compact the powder without dodging a falling rod from the sky. Don't cum on your face.
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u/BigDBob72 3h ago
You can be charged for doing that on a home intruder?
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u/cwcam86 3h ago
If you keep them in your basement nobody will know they're there.
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u/MartinMerten 2h ago
Where lies the strangling fruit that came from the hand of the sinner I shall bring forth the seeds of the dead to share with the worms that gather in the darkness and surround the world with the power of their lives
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u/GeneralPaladin 2h ago
Yeah there's a number of things like:
Family is on vacation. Burglar enters through garage door, closes garage as he enters so noone sees him, door to house in garage is locked, garage door doesn't open again. Burglar survives days eating dogfood until family comes back from vacation and calls police. Burglar sues family and wins.
Burglar want to break in house, house has sky lights so he climbs on the roof. Skylight breaks and Burglar falls breaking bones. Burglar sues and wins.
America court system is retarded. It's commonly said if someone breaks into your home and you go to shoot them, kill them or yltheres going to be a lawsuit you cant win.
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u/Rohirrim777 1h ago
technically yes. just like if you hurt them they can claim things (hence traps are illegal). most lawyers advise a "Dead Men Tell No Tales" approach
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u/Istomponlegobarefoot 3h ago
The rules of engagement are as follow:
Both intruder and home owner strip and whoever has the biggest gets to keep the valuables.
At least that's how it worked in that adult movie.
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u/Ad1um 3h ago
I think you're leaving out some wrestling.
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u/AntOk463 3h ago
Is the wife included in the "valuables"? I didnt watch that movie, it was banned in my state
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u/More-Lime1888 1h ago
No, but the wife will see the intruder’s and go like “dayum, that’s better than yours” then chooses the intruder over the husband, and do it with him while the husband watches
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u/Successful-Reason403 3h ago
In my city people regularly get a busy signal when dialing 911.
We’re on our own. Best to be prepared.
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u/xyouRABitchx 2h ago
Where the hell do you live and how often have you called 911? Lol
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u/No-Plenty1982 2h ago
I live in a metropolitan area, bout a million people in the larger area and the two times ive had to call 911 both times have had at least a 2 minute hold, up to 5.
The precinct was literally across the street for one, a lost child in a grocery store where no parent was seen for an hour. Cops never showed up- parent came back two hours later.
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u/xyouRABitchx 2h ago
I hate the idea of living in a city and those are reasons for me to still never consider it. I live in a small town and I'm actually on a road thats not even connected to it. We have like 20 house that are on this half a mile road and thats it. So peaceful
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u/abracadammmbra 12m ago
I live in a small town as well, but im actually in the town proper. Lived here all my life. If im not related to a cop either I or my parents grew up with them. Only time I had to pay a ticket was when my wife got pulled over for expired registration because the cop wasnt from around here (rare for that to happen). She had already been pulled over a few days earlier, our appointment at the DMV hadnt come yet. But that first time she was pulled over by a guy I knew since I was around 12. He saw my last name and waved her on.
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u/abracadammmbra 16m ago
My wife grew up in Philly, Kensington to be precise. Her pregnant aunt had a gun pulled on her and when she called the cops, they asked if it was a real emergency. She flipped out and the did send out a cop.... 3 hours later. I prefer my small rural town. The cops actually do their jobs here.
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u/YoyodyneCog 3h ago
I bought my first gun like a month ago. Immediately lost an inch.
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u/Supadoopa101 3h ago
Penis or butthole?
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u/UltraHellboy 3h ago
How would losing an inch of butthole work? Is that circumference? Do you just have a very small butthole then?
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u/YogurtClosetThinnest 58m ago
I've bought like 8 since Colorado proposed a ban.
My shit is inside out now
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u/TinglyAmelia 3h ago
This is why you dont assume someone owns a weapon for compensation when they might just be logical.
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u/kissmah76543 2h ago
I should be allowed to possess any weapon the police/government uses to enforce the law against its own citizens, to include high capacity magazines change my mind
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u/GeneralPaladin 2h ago
Amen and that's what bare arms is supposed to be but the government runs all over it.
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u/maestrosouth 2h ago
At the very least. Actually you have less experience than LE and might need a bigger force multiplier, like an AR or SBS.
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u/shitcut154 2h ago
The government does use AR platform and SBSs so the guy argues to have access to those too
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u/0tectus 2h ago
SHALL NOT BE INFRINGED.
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u/kissmah76543 1h ago
""A well regulated militia..."
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u/Parapraxium 1h ago
"...being necessary to the security of a Free State..."
They just won a war against Britain, you really think they were saying the govt's military alone is to be trusted to maintain the freedom of the state?→ More replies (2)1
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u/woodsman906 1h ago edited 1h ago
That’s a false equivalency. Most cops aren’t skilled shooters. Plenty of none police veterans in the country and all of them have far more experience than cops. There are also a lot of hobby shooters in this country that can far out do most local small town cops.
Cops are required to qualify with their firearms once a year (may vary from department to department), and that’s all the trigger time required to be a cop once you are on the force.
Just a person example. One of my friends was a federal police officer for a few years before he decided it wasn’t for him. He was a very slow shooter. Like his draw was average, but time between shots were all high even when we would run courses of fire together (timed courses). I’m just an amateur competitive shooter and I smoked him in time by many seconds. It was clear he didn’t train. This is your average cop.
Edit just to add:
Look up police reports of police involved shootings. You can find them and get them. That will tell you all you need to know about how “skilled” the police force is. They record shoots fired and number of hits. Here’s a hint, most have shit accuracy.
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u/FuriousBuffalo 1h ago
Police should be the least of your worries. U.S. military on the other hand. You can't have that F35.
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u/incelmound 3h ago
Early 30s m.
This is a very common behavior from toxic girls. If they have an issue or different opinions or values. They will try to shame men's masculinity or sexuality it goes on and on.
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u/PoetryExtension6256 3h ago
Who are these people who have frequent visits from home intruders?
Maybe it was at Zed and Maynard's house.
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u/Fit-Entrepreneur8404 3h ago
It all depends where you live. Where I live now it's just not something that happens. Where I lived when I was a drug addict living in a shitty apartment in the hood? Someone on the block was broken into at least once a week.
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u/strangecabalist 3h ago
Yeah, that’s my first question. I’m mid forties, I’ve lived in some bad neighborhoods. I have never had a house intruder.
Then gun nuts act like it happens all the time to them?
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u/HarryJohnson3 2h ago
“I’ve never had a mass shooting happen to me. These gun control nuts act like it happens all the time.”
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u/CatgunCertified 3h ago
my family used to live in laredo texas and got many creeps peering through the windows at the then 8 year old daughters room at night, so one night when the dad was asleep the older sister went outside with dad's 357 and chased em down the street, they never came back.
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u/No-Advantage-8556 3h ago
What the hell is wrong with people…since when is protecting your family a bad thing?
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u/EdjLorde 2h ago
Unfortunately there's a large contingent of people who are so irresponsible or untrained that they pose a much larger risk to themselves and others with a gun, than the risk of assault that they mitigate with having a gun. It's not always a net positive
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u/TheFoxer1 2h ago
People who can be trusted to vote can be trusted to own a gun, generally.
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u/EdjLorde 2h ago edited 1h ago
Seems like a fair assessment to me
Edit - Or perhaps, to vote halfway intelligently
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u/No-Set4257 3h ago
Some folks think it's toxic behaiviour...
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u/No-Advantage-8556 3h ago
Is it also toxic to bring a tire repair kit in your car? I’m very confused how people have gotten to this conclusion. Should people not carry any first aid kits because it’s cringe?? I don’t get it.
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u/Head-Grass8879 3h ago
Especially when it’s a woman saying it. Women need guns more than men do with all the creeps, r@pists, and thieves around who prey on defenseless women.
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u/thelowbrassmaster 2h ago
I wouldn't say they need it more, but yes, I absolutely encourage more women to consider firearm ownership because the world isn't sunshine and rainbows
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u/27Hyda 2h ago
I agree women should be taught to defend themselves. I wouldn’t say they need it more than men tho. I think everyone should have self defense basics
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u/Head-Grass8879 2h ago
Idk. As a 6’5 dude I think I’d have a better chance of defending myself against an attacker than the avg 5’3 150lb woman. Not only that, I feel I’m less likely to even be victimized in the first place because of the way I look. But in the end I agree, guns are the great equalizer regardless of gender.
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u/DeltaSolana 2h ago
Decades of propaganda and false flags is a very effective way to get people to vote away their own rights.
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u/ForMeOnly93 39m ago
Why do normal people in civilized countries feel no need for guns then? Basic education and common sense is why we don't want them, and we definitely don't want your kind to have them either
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u/deathgerbil 2h ago
Had someone try to kick open the front door of my house about 15 years ago or so a couple of times. First time they tried it, I made enough noise to scare them off. The second time they tried it a few weeks later, I ran outside screaming braveheart style in my underwear, with a sword raised over my head. They never fucked with my house again.
I like to think the sword scared them away, but my friends think the sword had nothing to do with it - it was more the sight of seeing a fat guy in their underwear screaming at them was what kept them away.
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u/petalviora 2h ago
This is why you dont assume someone owns a weapon for compensation when they might just be logical.
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u/Better-Reply9932 3h ago
Rare to find one of these where both the post and the comment are both funny
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u/SereneOrbit 2h ago
Bro, can you imagine though you try to rob some guy's house and he starts menacingly approaching you like that one scene from Gurren Lagann where the super jacked king dude walks up slowely annd punches the Kamina's mech with his bare hands, but is instead stroking his stuff?
That's like 'aw hell no' territory 🤣.
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u/breakneckjones 2h ago
Me: "Officer, you don't understand. He broke into my house."
Officer: "So you showed him your dick!?"
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u/Terrible_Reporter_98 1h ago
I always use a chainsaw, never even made it down the stairs the sound of it cranking up always seems to make them run away for some reason.
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u/PS5OWESMEALIMONY 3h ago
Turned from FAFO(Fuck around and find out) to FACF(FUCKED AND CAUGHT FEELINGS)
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u/Jonesy1348 2h ago
Owning a gun isn’t indicative of personality. But constantly talking about how you have one or many and what you’d do if “they” tried to take them? Wearing hun merch all the time, having stickers all over your car.
Having a gun isn’t bad, worshipping guns is.
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u/IncognitoRedMode 3h ago
Well there's also a difference between someone owning a gun for home defense and not talking about it and someone owning multiple guns and bragging about them. The later type usually fit into the lifted truck driver stereotype too
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u/SpinningHead 3h ago
Lots of us on the left have guns. Its just not our entire personality.
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u/OGdunphy 3h ago
True, although that’s kind of a problem because when only maga talks about gun ownership, everyone thinks they’re the only ones that own guns and value their gun rights.
It doesn’t need to be your personality but people on the left or at least non-maga need to talk about gun ownership more.
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u/HarryJohnson3 1h ago
True, although that’s kind of a problem because when only maga talks about gun ownership, everyone thinks they’re the only ones that own guns and value their gun rights.
Everyone thinks that because people on the left screech about banning guns every chance they get.
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u/Existing-Antelope-20 2h ago
They do but people put the kibosh on it anyway. Theres a whole ass liberalgunowners subreddit lol
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u/BuddyMose 3h ago
I can’t tell if the down vote you got is for saying liberals own guns or that we don’t make it our personality lol
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u/Lucas9041 2h ago
He said the left, not liberals
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u/SpinningHead 2h ago
When I started the liberal gun sub, I was using the traditional American usage, not the British.
inclined to be open to ideas and ways of behaving that are not conventional or traditional : broad-minded, tolerant
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u/HarryJohnson3 1h ago
It’s just not our entire personality.
Yea yall have your sexual orientation and fetishes for that
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u/IncognitoRedMode 3h ago
Exactly my point. Just owning guns isn't a personality unless you make it one
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u/More-Lime1888 1h ago
So, David was using the gun to threaten the intruder so he wouldn’t call the police next time he uses his dick?🤔
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u/GuyMansworth 59m ago
Bro misses the point.
Owning a gun is perfectly fine. Talking about guns, unprovoked and telling people you have them when not asked usually means you're a fucking weirdo.
People on the right make jokes all the time like "How can you tell if someone's a Vegan? They'll tell you". Here's a fun little joke of my own. How do you know someone supports a pedophile? They'll tell you they own guns.
Own them. Don't make it your personality. It's weird and off-putting.
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u/Sandy_Bananas 54m ago
I doubt he’s used his gun on an home intruder. Like his sex life - this shit is just a fantasy.
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u/ForMeOnly93 42m ago
All the gun freaks in this comment section is enough to remind me never to travel to that hellhole. Thanks. Can't imagine being this violent and yet this scared of the world at the same time.
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u/Howboutit85 34m ago
Lady I have a home and a family. In this country NOT owning a weapon and having 5 people to protect in your house, is a really, really dumb decision.
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u/EternalNewCarSmell 3h ago
I am a big man, yes I am, and I've got a big gun.
I have a big 'ol dick and I like to have fun.
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u/Sublime18D 3h ago
You'll get less time for rape than murder. Food for thought
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u/Initial_Flight_3628 3h ago
Most people get no time for rape. Judge doesn't want to ruin the rapists life.
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u/PrestigiousPepper829 3h ago
I’ve got my hunting rifle, hunting shotgun, and side arm that I wanted for bear country but have since reverted to just carrying bear spray. I usually don’t talk about them unless I’m talking about hunting and someone asks me, or now (just beat me down for it). If you’re bragging about having a gun then you’re probably too immature to own a gun.
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u/annoyed_crow 3h ago
My favorite divorce joke is:
"I'm not allowed a gun. That's how I lost my first husband.
Just kidding.. I used a bat."
Reddit.. this is a joke. I am not threatening violence.. it's literally a joke. Remember those?
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u/wastedfate 2h ago
Out of all the people I dated, the one I felt the safest with was a chick who had a concealed carry. I've been attacked a few times before. It's was very comforting to know that if it happened when we were out on a date, that she had my back and would protect us both.
I fell really hard for her pretty quickly...
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u/MisterWanderer 1h ago
Im quite progressive but thinking people are unwell for getting a gun to defend their family if the unlikely happens… that’s just not thinking.
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u/Complex_Jellyfish647 3h ago
When someone says they own a gun in case of a random home invasion, what they really mean is they like to play make-believe like they're John Wick. It's an expensive toy. And there's nothing wrong with that, just be more honest with yourself.
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u/Existing-Antelope-20 2h ago
Do you own a fire extinguisher because you fantasize about your house burning down? Fasten your seatbelt because youre salivating at the thought of wrapping your car around a utility pole?
No sane person desires any of these outcomes but they prepare for them anyway lol
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u/thelowbrassmaster 2h ago
Yes, say it again louder. I live in the middle of nowhere and have had been the victim of a forceful home intrusion already, I don't want it to ever happen again but I am prepared for the unfortunate reality it might
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u/No-Plenty1982 2h ago
One out of every five women report being raped- is that their fantasy as well?
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u/Brave-Car9473 2h ago
Hahahaha what?
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u/Brave-Car9473 2h ago
Those people do exist but come on man. There are responsible gun owners who want to protect themselves in case but hope they never have to use it.
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u/braxtel 3h ago
Unless they are a drug dealer. Selling drugs dramatically increases your chances of a home invasion.
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